I Finished Another One

Tags

change, courage, development, encouraging, faith, fear, gay, growth, hope, inspiration, love, Love Between Men, reading, spirit, Support, words that hurt, words that inspire, Writing, young relationships

I have just closed another book. Upon doing so, I have whispered into the air the words I have been whispering every time I have closed a book for the last 27 years. “I finished another one my dear, (……)”! I have uttered softly these words aloud or under my breath for some time now and have not shared this secret with more than a handful. The secret of the phrase, or the persons name in which I speak.

I have held both of them close for two reasons: 1. Because it has taken me this long to have faith in myself as an intellectual being and 2. Because the persons name was my very first love who, to this day, I am not sure is out. Out of the respect for him, I keep his name silent, but out of the need to share the triumph of courage, I share now.

Several things about this story are important. First off, words hold great weight. They can be used to inspire and educate, to uplift and encourage as well as to degrade and hurt. Even though many times people do not realize the words they speak cause severe damage, they do regardless if they are malicious or unaware. We should all be more mindful of our words and the ways in which we choose and use them.

Second, we must remember that there are so many things in our lives that we have believed to be true that were or are not and that we can over come. Society encourages individuals to believe things simply because one is different or unlike them. Regardless if there is even an ounce of truth to the assumption, because I am different, it must be true. Do not believe this. Listen to your heart to save the heart from ache.

So what does all of this have to do with closing a book and speaking those words? Well, for the past 27 years I have never believed or had the courage to believe that I could read or write well at all. I did not want to read or write out of the fear that someone would think I was stupid and uneducated. Feared being found out that who I was, was not in fact who I wanted to be.

That said, being gay and having your boyfriend tell you you were incapable of finishing a book or even a magazine for that matter even layers the whole issue. Yes, that is what he used to tell me all the time. So of course, when one is in high school, has a boyfriend in the same high school that no one knows anything about and that the fear of anyone finding out scares you, of course the reality of the situation can get a little skewed. Growing up in a world where who you were was a secret and the fear of anyone finding out keeps one from asking too many questions or sharing too many things one would like in situations that need comfort or understanding.

I began to believe this sentiment. I mean, he loved me right? We loved each other. He must be right? I mean what do I do? Not very good at school. Run in a completely different crowd. All the boxes of who I am externally do not match any sense of intelligence or writing ability. Right?

And so I have carried this for a very long time. It has weighed on me through college, my professional career as a dancer and choreographer, grad school and presently my academic life. Living in fear that one would be found out is not the kind of life one should carry around with them. It gets in the way of the good life and the life in which is actually the one you are supposed to be living.

So after all of these years, hundreds of books read, mountains of journals, papers, manuals and blogs; I realize perhaps all these years I have let someone hold me back from realizing all of who I could have been. I gave away my power to be loved. Love like that is not love. It is fear in the guise of love using words to hold close that which they do not understand. Words can trap a spirit from being what it is truly meant to be. So be careful with your words. They might scar someone deeply.

Now, however, I whisper those words and I smile. I giggle as I have come to realize the writer and intellect inside me. I use those words as inspiration. With every book I gain momentum. With every post I find more courage. Writing the EBAS manual was monumental and presently being in the throws of writing my book inspirational. Even if the only inspiration is for myself and the book never sells a copy, although I know it will because my friends love me, it will still be worth it.

And so as I sit here and close the pages of another book, I raise it to the sky and say, “I finished another one my dear, (…..)”!

A Meander in Peace

Tags

alone, anonymous, becoming, Believing, discovery, inspiration, introvert, journey, Paris, peace, quiet, silence, spirit, walk

When I wander the streets of a foreign country I always feel at peace. This is mostly due to the anonymity of being in a place where you don’t speak their language and they don’t, for the most part, speak yours. I love to meander the streets and listen. I know not what they are saying, or pick up fragments, but non of it really matters. I am there to experience and to absorb. I watch for all intense and purposes and simply become a fly on a wall of international happenings. 

I love this because I am able to wander and become lost in a culture that just assumes I am one of them and then I am allowed to just be. Even if people approach me and start speaking to me, I am always quickly left alone when I share that I do not know their language. Or, if I do understand, I swiftly acknowledge them and answer their question. This happened at the train station here in Paris and some Americans asked me if they were on the correct train in French and I answered them without acknowledging I knew what they were saying after they stood in line behind me. 

Such a pleasure in given space to walk in a land where you observe and become part of the culture simply by existing in it. The joy of getting lost in a foreign land and permitted to simply just be and do. How glorious a luxury is that for an introvert. Walking through your day without the bother of a question or pull of conversation. The joy of anonymity and space. The joy of travel.

Misplaced Bag

Tags

Believing, Conscious Living, contemporary dance, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, Creative Flow, Creativity, Dance, Energy, heart path, journey, Magic, Mindful Action, modern dance, Teaching, universal consciousness, universal heart

I made it to Paris with only one hitch. My bag somehow took a flight to Charlotte instead of Philly with me. As I was the last one standing at CDG, I soon realized I had an issue. All my clothes and toiletries were still in the states as I stood at carousel 3 waiting for my bag. Calmly. I waited.

I then went to the baggage claim area attendant to make a report and file the missing luggage. This was when I was told that someone in Richmond put my bag on a plane to where I was not. Isn’t that against TSA regulations? I digress.

Anyway, on a positive note, I only had my bags on my shoulders to carry on the RER and Metro to find my apartment. So I started my journey a little lighter than expected. The good thing was that if all went well, someone would hand deliver my outfits,  unmentionables and toiletries directly to my door. Yet, I admit I was nervous that there was no real way to contact me and since I was staying in an apartment rather than a hotel, it would be a little more difficult to actually get the bad delivered.

At present I sit waiting in my apartment. I do know the bag made it to Paris and is supposedly on its way to being delivered. I have stayed at the apartment save the time I went out shopping for coffee, breakfast goodies and a few other nash items. Still no word or call. They do have the land line, but I know they didn’t call while I was gone as there were no messages left and no record of incoming calls.

The rest of the day has been full of classical music wafting throughout the apartment with much writing and reading on my part. I have been forced to take a day of quiet contemplation and rest. Much needed rest and much desired quiet time as well. I often forget how much I like quiet and alone time. As I mentioned before in my writing, I do like embracing my introvert behaviors and often do not honor them enough. Clearly someone at RIC decided I needed to get reacquainted with that part of myself.

None the less, I am here and in perfect bliss. Staying in an apartment in the 3rd Arr. in Paris while I have time to think and to expand my current understanding of time, I am in a Scott heaven. It is so nice to be back here and in a place that is congruent with my pace of life and with the workings and wirings of my being.

I am often in a position where I question myself within the confines of my culture and feel as if the way in which my brain works, I process, and desire to walk the path of my life is somehow not as good as others. Yes, I often feel as if the way in which I am put together is oddly enough not acknowledged or honored.

Living a non-western life within a western culture is a little difficult at times. Being an introvert in an extrovert world is also challenging as introverts are seldom recognized for their thought process or quiet and contemplative ways. As if it wasn’t enough being a second class citizen who is a dancer and gay at that. Adding up all the marks against me I often wonder why I haven’t given up all together?

Yet, I know the answer to that. I do. I realize that I am making choices in my life that are right for me. I have taken the heat for it over and over again, but still make the choices that are congruent with my heart speak. In doing so, one is often labeled as the mean one or the one who speaks out when he shouldn’t. Even though it needs to be said and everyone knows it, still the ass for saying it. Which is also odd being that I prefer not to speak in the first place. I hate public speaking.

But is it any wonder that I prefer the art of dance where I do not have to speak in public at all? Not at all. I like the abstract world of contemporary imagistic ephemeral moments that take people deep within their own reality to suggest questions that sometimes do not get asked. Yes, I like to pose a question without speaking words but by merely crafting an image to plant the seed of thought. Even if it needs attending to or gets trampled on, I like that way of communicating the best.

And now that I have found the confidence to share my thoughts and ideas through words, it is no wonder that the words are on a page or screen that still keep me at a safe distance in a way that allows a reader to absorb it in the ways in which are best or most appropriate for them. I am finding that communicating in this form is helping me to find the right ways in which to read a different audience than a dance audience. As well as it helps me to even crystalize and create my three dimensional story telling in space.

I have always had a dream that I whispered to the universe of wanting to write a book. And this I am doing. It is taking me time, but I write daily the meanderings of my thoughts on technique and choreography. They are not traditional thoughts by any means. They are rooted in very eastern practices with clearly more unique ways of attending to the art of listening to the process rather than manufacturing a product. I am embracing this as I have embraced the time a lost bag can help a lost heart.

 

Palermo Palermo

Tags

Ballet, breaking down walls, choreography, culture, Dance, modern dance, opening, pina bausch, seeing as we need, society, space, spirit, time

A wall crumbles breaking down barriers and opening space so as to reveal what we are unable to reveal on our own terms. I am washed over and over and over with imagery smothered by layer upon layer of expression. I am not smothered in the sense that I can no longer breathe, but it is a complete immersion as if to encourage more deep and heartfelt breathes so as to understand the plight of humanity. We require time that no longer is encouraged in our culture and by being lovingly forced to expand my own boundaries of space and time, I am able to participate in the artistic adventure of the soul as its evolution “holds my hand’, “hugs me”, “kisses me”, and fills my breath with a new perspective of my own participation in this very life. 

I was reminded how important it is for myself as a choreographer to express the desires I hear from the work and to allow myself time for the evolution of my own work and expression of my own voice. We culturally get caught up on trying to make work that is like others and unlike ourselves. Tonights inspiration is a reminder to “make the work that speaks from your heart”. This was my gift of many this evening. One of many that will reveal themselves on this path of Paris.

b

On the “Road” Again

Travel has always been a deep part of my heart. Even as a child my family used to travel far and wide as both my parents felt that it was an important part of our education as people to see as much of the country as we possibly could. It was an adventurous summer vacations that planted the seeds of travel in my little wondrous heart. I am most grateful to my parents for opening my eyes to a larger world than that of our individual community and encouraged opening my heart to the beautiful world we lived in. 

Since those seeds were so lovingly planted and nurtured by my family, when I begin to embark on my own individual life I realized very quickly how sturdy those roots were planted and how beautiful my travel growth had reached for the shinning sun. Even as I made choices to follow the desires of my heart and dance while sacrificing a “productive” and profitable life, I somehow managed to travel. If it is part of your DNA, the universe always finds a way for you. 

So as I sit here in yet another airport, I breathe and sigh a breath of gratitude that travel supports my dreams and my dreams support my travel. I realize that by honoring the vibrations of my hearts desire in my career, it has allowed for me to find congruent and equally resonance in the desire to travel to destinations many dream of. I am so thankful for the choices made, hardships overcome and opportunities yet to be. 

Another element that is coming to light is how much travel supports who I am as an introvert. Most would not consider me such a being, but it is true, I am most comfortable when I have space and time that allows for me to swim in the deepest waters of my dreams by myself. Even as I stand in front of many to teach and share, dance and sing, direct and lead; I am truly at peace when I am in a place of solitude. Travel, and travel by myself, allows me this great luxury. 

I have found great depths of calm and insight when I have traveled. Many epiphany and ah ha moments have occurred while on my travels to destinations in the quiet of my mind. I often feel I do my best thinking and processing while I am in transit as it is a forced sense of quiet and contemplation. An easy way to look at it would be to equate travel as meditation for me. When people ask if it bothers me to travel alone or if it scares me, my answer is simply this; travel is what gives my creative being restorative energy to go on deepening the transformation of self. 

I am looking forward to sharing this next adventure with you in a way that will give me distance and you a window. A perfect tool for an introvert like me.