Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day 12

Tags

animals, changes, development, dogs, Earth, friends, humanity, inspiration, lessons learned, life, me, observations, thoughts, truth, zen dog

There will always be dogs. For me anyway. This past week with my two boys, Baxter and Bradford, have simply been divine. I have been on spring break and had my first stay-cation for this break for the first time in 16 years and I loved it. Much of that due to being with my boys. What they do for me, what dogs do for us, is simply incredible. And for that, I am grateful. Because of them, I can safely say, there will always be dogs in my life.

Even as I write, my boys are on the couch with me hanging out to be as close as possible. We find ourselves here in this little “cocoon” often as it seems the easiest place to come together and relax with one another while we do our things. More so when I am doing all sorts of writing, reading or watching a movie. It is our sacred space where we find ourselves in our “spots” in which somehow helps reaffirm our place in our pack and establishes a calm for us all. Here we let go and reconnect with ourselves and with one another.

I have recently shifted things in my life and I have begun to challenge myself and being a better Pop Pop for my boys. I had gotten so busy and tangled I found myself only letting them out to hang out or do their business. For some time now I have committed to walking them much more. At least two times a day and on the good days, three. I have also tried to take them on an adventure day where we drive to a place they don’t get to go on a regular basis but stimulates them in so many ways. Baxter LOVES the water and if there is the chance to find some place where he can sneak his feet, we do. And of course his shadow Bradford follows as he can’t stand to be left out.

I have found this decision to focus on being a better dad has made a profound shift in their energies as well as their need to be closer. I have found them to be so much calmer in the house as well as with others. They were terrific during my wine tasting birthday party with the house full of people. I think that in itself was a little overwhelming honestly but for the most part, they were a delight. Well behaved and super affectionate with all the guests. I think they were happy when everyone left their cave and they could have me back to themselves. They slept well that night. We all slept well.

These changes and these commitments have had a significant impact on me as well. I am out in the world more walking and taking in the neighborhood and nature on our adventures. I am reminded how much being out with them recharges me and allows me time and space to think, feel and open up my heart to the creative process. Yes, so many ideas have come to the forefront of my thinking because of spending more time with my boys. You might even say they are a part of the creative team that allows for all of the things I am able to do and discover. They assist in creating a safe space to be creatively vulnerable and quiet myself to listen to what the universe is whispering. They are my tuning forks allowing me to hear what is being shared.

My life is because of my boys. My life is because of the dogs in my life. Before these two, there were two others, Basil and Anise. They were from a different life in a different state and a different state of being. They were the first that made me realize I had purposefully chosen a life with dogs over a life that allowed ultimate freedom to do and to become. In choosing them, I had to choose a life that would creatively create a space for myself and my children in a way that most performers lives do not allow. I would always have to think of them as I had opportunities to accept or reject. There were many opportunities lost, but the choices made, made me. And for this I am grateful to them and grateful for them.

When they passed they took with them my love and my respect. They took over a decade of growth and development as well as the heart ache that the growth created. Oddly, the released what held me to a past and took with them much anger and so much fear. It’s as if they carried my sorrow so that I could be free to once again reach within to open up for more; more of me, more of life, more opportunity and more dreams. There love still lives inside of me because they took away the noise of the past. And because of that love, they allowed me to love again.

Now I am blessed with two beautiful boys who do for me what Basil and Anise had done. These boys remind me on a daily basis to reach down and connect. The remind me to stop and to listen. They remind me to look within so that I might see what is right in front of me. The remind me to live and they remind me to love. Even greater than that, they remind me to be patient with myself and with others because of their infinite forgiveness and  unconditional love.

More than ever, as busy as I am and as full as my life is with so much creative abundance and incredible prosperity, they bring me back to the essentials of being human. They already know the things that matter for us. They have mastered the art of being and are here at our side to help us find it as well. And for this I am grateful and humbled by their love. And this is why, for me, there will always be dogs.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Eleven

Tags

art, faith, friends, friendship, humanity, inspiration, lessons learned, life, me, sharing, thoughts, truth

I didn’t know those words meant so much. I had no idea the actions made touched so deeply. I was unaware that the energy that I carried spoke to you. I am grateful my presence in your life in some way has made an impact. It was never my intention to be anything or do anything other than what was right. To treat others with respect and dignity was what I thought we did for one another. I didn’t realize its significance.

As funny as social media is, as difficult and divisive as it has become, I still see the light within. I have been reminded of late by those from my world both present and past about what things have stood out about our interactions and our friendships. I am often surprised by the memories they carry or how much things meant to them. Surprised because for me, I just thought it was natural or just the way it should be.

When I am reminded of such wonderful memories, I am touched so deeply. I often wonder about decisions I have made and choices that have shaped my life. I ponder about the path I have chosen and the course of the waters that have carried me into this amazing life. I don’t question the direction but rather, why me? Why is it I see as I do? Why is it I feel so much? Why am I moved to tears of empathy when I should be stronger? Why am I able to do what others do not know is even possible?

When others share with me their memories of us, I am humbled again and again. I am reminded to keep on doing what I am doing without question and without fear. There is something at work here and it needs a vessel to do its work. There is something that needs to be shared and it needs a platform. Be that platform be making dances, making dancers, writing pages, singing a song or healing the body and the heart, it needs to be expressed.

And so I will. And so I do. And so I am grateful that our paths have crossed in some way that has brought you light. May our paths cross again so we can share that light once again in a smile or an embrace that expresses the gratitude we share. I didn’t know my experiences mattered, but I hope to keep on making what little difference I can.

Ever Grateful for YOU!

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day 10

Tags

changes, compassion, faith, family, gender, learning, lessons learned, life, love, Love Between Men, love for all, me, norms, observations, sexuality, Trans, truth

I find it difficult to understand people that fear the differences in others. I truly do. I am not sure why I didn’t get that gene that allows us to hate one another simply because there might be differences or that I should fear others simply because I don’t understand or see them for who they are.

In light of all of the trans-phobia that seems to be being stirred I find this especially difficult as it is wasted energy on something that has little to no significance in anyones life except for the pain inflicted on those who identify as trans or gender fluid. What does it matter how one identifies oneself or has come to understand the peace they feel when the find a safe place and an identity that works for them? It doesn’t matter to your life one bit. Not one single bit.

When I reflect on my life and who it is I am, I am continually reminded of how much I had to hide my identity so to avoid the hatred and negativity. Ironically, I didn’t have to hide it all that much as I suspect many others around me clearly knew that there was something a little different. I mean how many young men ride the bus with their football team and are able to engage them in a victory sing along? Yes, that did happen. And yes, the young men, in their boisterous song made me strong.

What really stands out to me is a moment when I was named a female label by my nephew. Yes, my nephew somehow was confused by what he should call me or what was expected. Although I am not so sure he was confused at all. This child was clear about one thing, this relative was not like the others. What was interesting is that he insisted on calling me Auntie Scott. A female title followed by a male name.

Mind you, he would do this without batting an eye. It was as if this was as normal as Uncle Lee who was my brother. And yet, something was different. And it was. He was right. There was something not only different from a labeling standpoint of me being gay, but something energetically different and understandable to him and how he related to me. I was all things to him. Not all of this, and not all of that. I was in between.

Ironically, this never once bothered me. It bothered my sister a bit, but not too terribly much. I think she wanted to do her best to correct him, which she did, but something about it, something within him would not let it go. And so, it stuck. For some time I was Auntie Scott until he made the decision to follow the societal path and recognize gender as static or linear.

So life went on. Nothing harmed. I was fine. He was fine. We all were fine. And love still surrounded us all regardless.

These days I find myself using all kinds of varied pronouns and gender descriptions. One of my dearest friends and I call one another Sista or Gurl. He even refers to me to his dogs as Auntie. Seems as though there is something significant about that title that will stick with me a life time. And as it should. Perhaps I am an Auntie to those that need me to be such. Perhaps I am an uncle to others. None the less, I am still me.

I am a gay male who identifies himself as someone who lives in the in between. I live in a space of love and can love anyone I choose. I have relationships with men who inspire and energetically add to my well being. I express my love physically in ways that matter only to us. It is a private matter of love and affection shown in ways that satisfy the physical manifestation of love and light. It matters nothing to you. Just as yours matters not to me.

I suffer not because of who you are. In actuality I benefit greatly as the more others are able to find peace with themselves and how they see themselves in this world, the more peace there is. And the more peace there is, the more love. And if you need someone to see you as you, you have a safe place with me. There are safe places in this world so seek them out. Seek those people out who will love you and see you as who you are. Surround yourself with the kind of people who show the love and light of this universe. There you will find peace and there you will learn to love yourself for all that you are. Perfect!

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Nine

Tags

changes, faith, health, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, observations, sharing, society, space, thoughts, truth

There are moments when you observe the overwhelming convergence of goodness in your life confirming your hearts desire. Time and again we are being encouraged to keep going and to keep moving forward on the path of light we have chosen. If we are not careful to listen, we may miss these omens and grow discouraged about how the journey is proceeding. Listen more carefully to what the universe whispers and you will be reminded of where you are and what is next.

What is really amazing about all of this is that in so many of our conversations with people, friends or simply just acquaintances, you will recognize the truths that are hidden in plain sight. You will also recognize images and moments that insight is being dropped in your lap. There is confirmation that you are on the right track all the time. Lifting our head out of our phones and into others eyes will be a first step. Opening our ears to the quieter moments and the silences in between will also find us many a clue.

And if you are finding yourself in troubled times at present, there are whispers for you too. The question is, are you willing to do what is being asked of you? Are you willing to take the action necessary to turn your ship around? Are you willing to be patient enough to let the solution come to you in ways that will right the sails of your life? Correcting and recalibrating are also part of the many gifts being sent our ways on a daily basis. Being present enough to listen is the key once again.

It is much like the training of dance. How does one listen to the body to know truly where it is in space and if in fact we are in true alignment with ourselves and not just being held hostage by the perception of the body in conditioned space. Yes, we have been conditioned by so many factors outside of ourselves to blind us to who it is we are and what this physical gift is actually trying to accomplish. Becoming acquainted with your true physicality with a keen consciousness, you will find the shift and change of both the physical and emotional self with far less energy output and more energetic recycling.

And this of course is the truth with all physical practices and modalities. Find yourself in the true nature of your being letting yourself feel who you are, and you will experience great joy and fulfillment. Being present to be able to listen to the lost language of space. So much information about the secrets of the world live inside the silence of space.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Eight

Tags

art, changes, faith, health, Home, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, observations, space, training, travel, truth, work, Writing

On this day I pause to absorb the incredible light that is this life, my life. I am so full of gratitude for so much goodness that it is truly hard to compose the joy. I smile as I sit here and write this as I am once again reminded that I have been given the gift of a voice to use it to express myself in so many different ways. I have been give the gift of expression through movement, song and word. For this I am grateful and for this I shall sing.

As I woke today I was kissed on the cheek by Bradford as he so lovingly assures me that it is in fact to get up and there is no more time left for this sleeping thing. The time is now to start paying attention to his wishes and needs along with his brother. I mean it is morning and it is time for a romp in the yard and that thing they love called breakfast. What is really beautiful is that he will wait patiently after the first little kiss and stare at me until I stir. Gentle breathing with his head rested on my arm.

And so I enter my day, this day of celebration through the act of gratitude. It is my goal to pay attention to all of the beautiful moments this day brings. Paying attention to the beautiful energy and soul of my home and my sanctuary that continually folds me into itself and revitalizes my spirit. The energy of a home should be that of a sacred space that recharges ones spirit by letting them feel safe as they are surrounded by both energetic and physical blessings.

I have no plans to do anything special except be extra grateful for this life. I celebrate all that is my present, honor all that is my past and open my heart to all that is to be. I open myself to what is to come and know without a doubt there is magic in store. So much more than I can plan or scheme. I open my spirit and welcome the energies of the vast infinite universe to move whatever it is I need into my path. When this happens, it will be as natural as breath itself.

I once again was reminded of this yesterday when I was out looking for a new work to add to my collection and to my walls. I have been wanting a David Cressman for some time now as his paintings really speak to me. I cam across them a while ago and have been keeping an eye out for them and an opportunity to become a keeper of his art. I went through and found a Holly Markoff that complimented a work of hers I have and was about to walk out the door when something told me to walk to a corner of the gallery that I have not been to before. As I turned I could feel the calling of the beautiful work on that wall.

Not only was I standing in front of a wall of David Cressman, but my eye immediately was drawn to a work which consisted of a beautiful landscape with none other than the Eiffel Tower and the wonderful bridges of the Seine. The light in this work is glorious. As a matter of fact the piece is titled Golden Light of Paris. How perfect. And so, without question, the time was now to fold this new work into my sacred abode and add it to the ever expanding collection of incredible work. It was time.

And so I sit here writing as it hangs just over my left shoulder on a wall of work that brings my heart joy. Many of the works are from and/or are about the places that steel my heart. Paris, Tuscany and Santa Fe. There are also landscapes that honor Virginia and all of its beauty. The paintings remind me of the beauty that surrounds me at home to anchor me while I have the privilege of experiencing the magic of the city of light and the birthplace of the renaissance. Light speaks to me. Light speaks to my heart.

I am grateful I am able to listen. I am thankful that I have been able to create the space to listen. At first I was overwhelmed by what I could hear and see, but learned how to quiet the added noise that often times surrounds the song and focus in on listening to what was being shared. So much is given to us about the magic of this world and universe. So much truth is before our eyes on a daily basis and I am just thankful that I have opened my heart to tune into those truths and find peace in doing so.

When I look at my students, their bodies speak to me. Their truths of who they are and the desires for where they want to be whisper clearly. Their bodies reach out and ask for health and wellness. Their spirits are open. Even if they do not know they speak this, their spirits are speaking loud and clear. And for this, I have to listen. I am so thankful I am able to listen. I am so honored to be in this place of healing and well being.

You know I don’t really consider myself a teacher. I do not consider myself a choreographer. I don’t consider myself an artist either. I long ago claimed what I am and have been doing my work from that space for some time now. When I realized that what I was was different than what I was hoping to be, I was able to admit to myself that my spirit is actually a healer. From the moment of that acceptance of fate, I let go of needing to be good at what I do or respected for what I made. I stepped into myself and began to listen to bodies and how they wanted to live and live in the space.

I sing dances into being by listening to the voices of the bodies in front of me. I carve space with illuminating bodies in which vibrant with the soul of the work. When all forms are tuned to the essence of the work, I know the work is satisfied and it can be itself in this world. The same is true when the body vibrates openly so that the pathways are aligned and open to carry the body to well being to be able to physicalize work. There are layers to the making and creating of bodies and bodies of light in space. It all starts with the healing of these bodies through the reeducation of the physical self to align with the spiritual self.

And for this I am grateful. I am grateful I can celebrate knowing who I am. Thankful that I have accepted my deepest self and that I have not run away from myself out of fear. How glorious it is to walk the stillness of knowing oneself and celebrating with humility that this life has been a beautiful choice of grace and light. I celebrate the very essence of who I am and recognize, as well as honor, this amazingly beautiful life I have been graciously allowed to live.

And so I walk into my 48th year knowing that with an open heart magic will reveal itself to me always. There will be light laid beneath my feet so I will know where to step. The will be instructions given if I continue to listen. There will be blessings beyond imagining simply by being. May I continue to be as I circle the sun once again.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Seven

No longer is patience enough.

No longer is there room for allowing to be treated with disrespect simply because you are trying to be respectful.

No longer can we assume that others actually want what is best for all.

As a matter of fact, we see time and time again that this culture is singularly focused on what is best for the individual rather than what is best for the society.

When capitalism is your religion and your politics, your corruption and greed become your mode of operation and your course of action.

This is not to say that capitalism is not a good thing, just to say unbridled capitalism or unrestrained markets may not be self correcting as we are led to believe.

Actually, they do not.

Just as the people who run them do not.

If this were truly the case. There would be no subsidies for these corporations. The market would speak fairly. But it does not.

The contradiction of expectation is at war with itself.

The conflict of soul is as well.

 

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Six

Tags

faith, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, observations, society, society and culture, thoughts, truth

I am continually reminded, one lesson after another, that my life is really about choice. This is no secret nor is it new. Not even new to me. Yet, I am being profoundly reminded again and again, and perhaps more profoundly every day through a conscious focus on gratitude. This shift towards ownership changes so much about our hearts as well as the way in which we are able to see others.

Mind you, I share this from a place of openness. I fully realize there are many situations that are presented to people on a regular basis and that many opportunities are not available for people simply because of a society that does not actual live the life of equality and justice for all. And this in itself is heartbreaking. Because I do know that often times choice isn’t even an option and to expect people to “make choices” or “make better choices” reinforces the us and them, better than and supremest sensibilities. If in fact we were all equal, we could all afford to make the kinds of choices that were in everyones personal and societal best interests.

What I am sharing though is the moment one realizes that they are fortunate to be able to make choices. This realization reinforces the need for me to make the better choices on how I treat others or how I might be of help or service to others or the cause of equality and justice. It is necessary that I must do things to see people, understand people and to do the best that I can do in order to support people in the ways of their heart and in the light of love.

These choices are not only helping others, but in the end, they are benefitting me in ways that one can’t even begin to comprehend. Many people speak of this as karma, I think of it as humanities greatest gift. The universe rewards those who give love with love. The universe rewards light with light. The universe returns more than in kind, it returns in abundance. It is emotional and spiritual tithing that is a real thing just as it is in financial terms. When you give of the heart, either tangible or intangible, you always receive far more than you can imagine in all kinds of magical ways.

I am grateful for this life. I am grateful for my work. I am grateful for my health and well being and more importantly, I am grateful for being able to be at peace with myself and the life I am living: Consciously opening the soul to allow the light of the universe and the love of fellow beings flow through me.

I choose this. I choose peace. I choose love. I choose goodness. I choose light. I choose my perspective. I choose responsibility. I choose accountability. I choose to accept myself and my work along with my words as being important and that they matter. I choose that you matter. I choose this amazing life.