Remember that one is never “in” or “out” of love; one IS love. People simply have mistaken the in and out for the beings that pass through our lives. So if the heart is aching, it may only be that one might not be able to comprehend the shift in ones life. But be mindful that love has not left you, it is you. You are the physical embodiment of love. Walk in that light today and look at someone and tell them you love them. Even if it is whispered soft enough with only an internal intention. You will be heard regardless. Consider this my whisper to you.
Ballet, Believing, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, Creative Flow, creative process, Creativity, Dance, dyslexic, faith, healing, letting go, love, momentum, progress, queer creativity, releasing, releasing fear, releasing shame, Soul to Soul, spirit, Writing, writing as a practice, young relationships
We become who we are by simply being and doing. We evolve into our fullest selves when we are present in our lives and paying close attention to the moments that accumulate the momentum to break open the space for our spirit to flourish. We must always be in a state of active being, doing and creating.
Every single one of us is a creative being. We are solution seekers, problem solvers and dream makers. All of us are alchemists turning our own very lead into our own very gold. That is why we are constantly being reminded that there is plenty of abundance and prosperity for each and every one of us. It is ours to make, do and be.
As I have been writing all month in the personal challenge I have written on an accumulative DOC so that I can see my progress; my momentum. And yes, as I have taken responsibility for not writing every day, as I scroll through my writing I realize I have “exercised” this muscle a lot. I have created momentum regardless.
It’s another example of incremental success that I have to acknowledge and then also be grateful for. Oddly I do write in my journal of morning pages daily. That practice has come from Julia Cameron’s, The Artist’s Way. A practice that changed my creative life many years ago that I continue to keep. It has helped to quiet the mind and clear the space to face the day with a sense of openness. What is different about that and these writings is the next step of sharing the thoughts in a public forum.
The step of vulnerability is a huge shift. Opening one’s thoughts to others is a little revealing and takes courage and confidence to stand in one’s own ideas and ideals. Especially when you are dyslexic such as myself. It is easier to hand write in a journal and not have to worry about writing and getting the spelling and grammar correct. Or to be able to carry a through line for your reader. But the risk far outweighs not doing so. Especially when you can literally see your momentum.
I also recognize momentum in the affirmation/meditation books I read as part of my morning rituals. I started two new books at the beginning of the year and every day I watch myself open the book and find that with every turn of the page, I get closer to the end. I build on that success one day at a time. Again another visual reminder that slow and steady wins the race.
I also should share that as a young guy, a child and teen, I never read. I was so busy outside doing and being that I never really picked up books. It wasn’t something I did, was part of my family upbringing or was an interest. So not reading was big in my slower development as a writer and kept me safe from the uncomfortable recognition that I was dyslexic.
All that said I remember being shamed and humiliated by my first love when he ridiculed me for not reading. Telling me I would never finish a book in my life and never be smart enough to read as much as he did. Crazy right, that as a 17 year old you hear someone you love shame you for something you can’t help, haven’t learned or has not been a part of your culture?
Nevertheless I have accumulated quite a library in addition to diving deeply into my research and my work. That as well as reading for pure pleasure. Book by book filling shelves by shelves and building my own transformation by simply doing and being. And every time I close a book that I finish, I hold that book up and say, “Well, there’s another one Scott”.
So one book at a time, one page at a time, one moment at a time and we then have momentum. We can see our progress not only in the accumulation of material, but in the transformation of ourselves. We are able to then recognize the shifts and changes in our voice, our awareness and ultimately our gifts.
Bit by bit, choice but choice, change by change; we become our fullest potential.
As the last week of June begins and July is just on the horizon it is nice to just take in the breath of this moment and celebrate what a lovely month it has been. Such a glorious creative journey in addition to creative momentum building full of great opportunities and connections.
It feels good to be alive in the creative process especially after the past two years of working through the pandemic and trying to just keep swimming to hold onto any type of grounding let alone healing.
The time spent in the chaos was a time for returning to awareness and a great deal of heart work. Doing the work of healing and revealing. It was a way of working and researching but in a very different kind of way. It was an introspective research period of asking questions and waiting for the response. Waiting patiently for an answer if one didn’t reveal itself all that quickly.
Learning to listen, to truly listen, has been a blessing and a savior for the past few years. Although the false self was feeling the need to produce, the authentic self kept true to just being as an antidote to pretending to be creative.
There were moments when I would look around and everyone was making for the sake of making for fear of becoming irrelevant that I just had to dig in and claim that that is not the maker I am. Standing my ground to be patient for the medium I love to return was the way to reclaim the voice that got lost in the doing rather than in the being of the art.
I was reminded about my conviction to be ok doing what I do and to accept the fact that I may never be able to make three dimensional kinetic worlds in person again. There was a simple acceptance of letting go and yet strong confidence that it was just a matter of time. I do what I love because of the humanity of it all; the connection and physical engagement. Not for any other reason.
All this to say that there is much empowerment in staying the course, your course. There is much agency and voice in doing the quiet work regardless of what a culture might say or even demand. You are relevant in the silence as much as you are relevant in the noise. And maybe, just maybe even more expressive in the explanation of nothing.
The sweet eyes of my boy who lovingly stares into my being
The sweet kisses offered of my boy out of the blue
The sweet holding of my arm of my boy to keep me close
The sweet dreams of my boy as he fearlessly dreams with abandonment
The sweet snoring of my boy who gives into the his restorative slumber
The sweet cuddles of my boy as he connects every morning
The sweet love of my boy who I am so grateful is a part of this pack
I sit on a fragile branch
Perched in anticipation
Quietly and patiently
In this moment there is no expectation
Continuing to believe
Abundance is just the other side of shadow
To quiet the mind while sitting
Softening the heart
Prosperity fills the space that is allowed
Believing, champion, courage, courageous heart, Courageous Vulnerability, creative energy, Creative Flow, creative process, creative spirit, Dance, faith, gay, love, queer, queer champion, queer creativity, Queer spirit, Soul to Soul, spirit
If we do the math we can clearly see, and I can clearly admit, that I have been unsuccessful in writing for thirty consecutive days this month. Yes, I have failed. But, I am just fine with that. Where I have succeeded is that I am writing anyway and will complete thirty days just not in a row. And this right here is resilience.
What I have been seeing reveal itself is a comfortability in writing on a regular basis and being more present to see things during the day that sparks creativity or connection of dots and information that I am working on. It is rather exciting to be realizing there is so much I want to talk about and share.
An example of this was on a walk with the boys yesterday as we were honoring the Strawberry Supermoon. I was needing to title my presentation for the Queer Artist symposium coming up in August and while walking in nature and being present among the trees, it hit me. Very clearly the title dropped into my awareness and was spot on.
Once that happened I walked in silence with the boys and came to a clearing. What I noticed first was a man moving his arms in such a way that was not typical gestures for someone standing by themselves. It was a pulling and gathering motion with his head looking up with a great deal of focus and concentration. As I looked to the place he was staring at in the sky I realized he was flying a kite.
This made me smile. Here in this clearing a grown man was out taking advantage of this beautiful day to be by himself and fly his kite. He was unleashing his child and doing something atypical of a grown man on a lovely afternoon.
As we walked more closely to him we caught one another’s eye and I smiled. He returned the smile briefly as he quickly returned to his focus and work of managing his work. A brief acknowledgment of knowing and then off we went.
This really made my heart sing as it reminded me that we all need to just do the things that make us happy regardless of age, place or culture. Yes, go fly that kite of yours and do so proudly with great joy and with confidence and grace.
And so my little pack kept on walking. We headed back along the trail that took us deeper into the woods and the conversation with the trees. Yes trees do speak if we are willing to listen. And I do credit the trees for the title I mentioned earlier. They offer some great creative connections if one listens.
After a little bit of walking we began to hear some music. It sounds faint and almost as if it is coming from a transistor radio. I don’t yet see anyone as there are trees between us and the place where the sound is coming from. Clearly someone is on a different trail close by listening to a soundtrack for their walk.
We continue walking and all of a sudden, in a little clearing, I see a man on a bike peddling carefully to manage the terrain on his bike. It is strange because he too looks like a little boy doing his best to keep his balance and not fall over. It’s almost as if he just learned how to ride a bike.
But the really interesting thing to me was his score that accompanied this whole unique image. He was listening to some seriously deep twangy country music and living his best life on his bike. And there it was again, a reminder to just do what makes sense to you and to play the soundtrack of your life while you are doing it. No matter what. You don’t have to do it well, look gray doing it or need to be with anyone to do it. Just do it.
And of course I smiled and continued walking. And just a few steps away, as the sound moved away from us in the opposite direction, it hit me. The images I was fortunate to see were a reminder that we all should just fly our flags. Regardless of the flag and it’s meaning, if the meaning isn’t hurtful or from a place of hate, fly it with pride.
This was super profound with it being pride month and all. And so I smiled and recognized the need for myself to be more proud and to express and share the flag, or dare I say many flags, I have to fly. And yes, I have made a commitment to up my gay and be more visible not because I don’t live out loud, but because perhaps I simply just need to be visible for folks that might need a champion for them.
So this brings me back to the title that hit me so magically at the beginning of my walk. What spoke to me was very much a way I have been living my creative life and very much a part of my multidimensional queer life. The title being, “Present in Ones Power: Embracing Queer Body, Mind and Spirit.
So there it is, one of those flags I talked about. And yes, right now at this moment I am flying my flag and super excited to fly it for this queer workshop. And, just to fly my flag at any time to be that champion and safe place or person for someone who has yet to be able to fly theirs for whatever reason. Being present and proud through whatever work I do is a flag in and of itself.
Happy Pride folks! And be sure to check out the Queer Embodiment and Creative Process workshops at Dogtown Dance in Richmond, Virginia July 3,10, 17, 24, 31 and August 7 from 1:00PM-2:30PM. There will be all kinds of wonderful interactive presentations and sharing and yes, all are welcome. Hope to see as many of you as you can make. I will be the last person to share on August 7. Come out and watch me fly the flag in real time.
I have loved you longer than I have loved myself. In fact, there has been no one I have loved longer than I’ve loved you.
You were the first person I ever gave my heart to and the only person I left it with. Once I gave it I didn’t realize there was no getting it back.
Even long after your image was no longer with me I still had no idea how long it would be before I realized I left it with you that very last day.
Year after year and relationship after relationship thinking I had one to share with others. Not once did I realize how empty my chest was. How could it be that all of these “loves” were not meant to be?
It became all too clear to me how incapable I was of even having a heart full relationship with another man simply because I had no heart to give and no love to share. When the chest is empty there is little chance of the fulfilment of a barren space.
So what does one do when they realize the heart no longer resides with them? How does one find a way to love again? What is it we do in order to bring a heart back to live once again within a life wanting to love?
It’s clear really. If we are to reclaim our heart we first have to learn how to love ourselves in order to heal the vacant space within in order to bring light back into our heart space. We have to figure out a way to forgive ourselves for all the time lost and to finally let go of a love that would never be again.
Once this happens it’s as if but by bit our heart returns and rebuilds a place deep within our chest that brings light and love with it animating all that is good within. Once the momentum starts it’s as if time reversed all loss and hope befriends the long lost heart.
And so we heal and rebuild. We retrain the hardest working muscles of the body returning to a state of potential and great energy. We recognize what can be and realize we may very well have time to open up the heart again. Yet this time not to give it away, but rather to keep the heart for ourselves and simply love with all its light.
I missed two days of postings this weekend but oddly the work I have been doing over the last two days has been incredibly insightful and supportive of the work I will be presenting at the Corps de Ballet International Conference July 6-9. It has been a flurry of connections and linking of many aspects of my research. Super excited about sharing the work and welcoming folks into the history of the form in addition to the theories that inhabit the Elemental Body Alignment System.
I have shared this work with my students of course and have shared the form but I have often only shared the pedagogy perspective with students of the teacher training courses I host. Even there I have not shared a lot of the foundational work as there has not been enough time during our course to really get into that or from a feeling that it might be too controversial or too esoteric for folks simply wanting to embed the form into their training schools. I have not presented this material in a conference setting nor have found the right voice or theme to connect to. I am excited that this conference offers this opportunity and am very grateful to be invited to do so.
It has been an awfully long time trying to figure out how to share this information without it feeling like I am condemning the way ballet or technique has been taught. The work does ask us to reexamine how we present our material and what our values are behind our training practices. This in and of itself is a challenge especially in a form that historically focuses on the end aesthetic results and values a limited range of what constitutes success.
There have been folks in the field who have been practicing and teaching in a certain way for so long that to challenge that in any way might seem an affront or conflict for them. I often see this reflected in students who are reluctant to explore and experiment with different ways of doing material they have learned a certain way. Even if they are in pain or are uncomfortable with what it is they are doing. Ironically students don’t even know the how of what they are doing rather they just try and match a picture of what has been presented. Students mostly learn through imitation rather than sensation.
You can see that shifting the way in which they have participated in class or have been evaluated and praised is difficult for students. Even if they are interested in getting better at what it is they love to do, when they are challenged with change, they find it difficult. However, as soon as they “feel” movement from a different perspective which offers them more freedom of movement and range of motion and gives them the legs, feet, turns and jumps they want; the student begins to open up and explore how much more is possible for them. They are now empowered through this new vehicle and begin a new relationship with the form as well as with themselves as creative beings.
I am really excited to share this with folks who are the teachers of students from across so many demographics and am hoping this will be a bridge builder opportunity for more sharing and creative relationships. It is exciting to see the new ways that will be available for folks to access and dive into the information in new ways. The connections and layering of both eastern and western sciences and theories is clearer than ever and will hopefully make it easier for people to understand the how of EBAS and the fundamental concepts and principles of ballet.
I have the pleasure of heading out to visit a dear friend I have known for about thirty years now. We are meeting out at a winery out by the mountains I spoke of yesterday. It will be nice to see her and check in since it has been a few months since we last saw one another.
I am always amazed and grateful for the friendships I have and especially honored that I have managed to hold them dearly even after all of these years, distances and shifts that happen in our lives. I am fortunate that I have many folks in my life and a handful of great friends who mean the world to me and have made life so amazingly sweet.
One of the most beautiful things about this friendship, as is necessary in all my friends, is the ability to just laugh at ourselves, the absurdity of life and at any little thing that tickles us. We have laughed for most of our time together which has kept us happy, healthy and young.
Laughter really is one of the things I treasure most and the thing that connects me to people. It must be a part of my life and must be something we can share together for there to be immense joy in our relationships. Even in my love relationships it is a must. If we can’t laugh, we can’t love.
Now mind you, this does not mean I do not take life seriously or I don’t act professionally or appropriately, it just means I find humor or absurdity and enjoy a laugh because of it. Nothing is all that important but the love and energy we share. Everything else is just living.
Now some might wonder about work and career, but what I have come to realize is that dance is just dance. It’s not important. I can love it and be passionate about it, but in the end, it matters not. It’s just dance and there is nothing about it that should bring you trouble or sadness.
We can live something and even somebody and not lose ourselves by placing the thing or person before our own healthy heart and well-being. If you find you are held hostage by the things in your life, start laughing at them. No seriously, laugh at how absurd that something is and how much power we have given it.
When we can laugh at our own lives, errors, mistakes, difficulties; we can let go of the need to control, be or prove ourselves worthy. There is no need to prove the invaluable worth of who you are. You simply are a marvel in all of your being. And the joy of that being is more than enough to bring a smile and a chuckle to begin the laughter of life.
So I journey to celebrate the joy of my dear friend and raise a glass of Veritas to our wonderfully blessed life of laughter. Here’s laughing with you kids!!!
We sat and spoke of the past under the eyes of the mountain.
We gazed out across the sea of green rolling hills breathing in the air of conviction.
We released the flood gates of the heart unleashing a necessary pouring of emotion as we allowed ourselves to once again reclaim our hearts.
It has been a long time since our spirits met without any interruption of life and commitment.
The ocean of trees looked on whispering to go further and further into the rings of our hearts.
With the comfort of a forever friendship we linked arms and walked; sauntering into our future by understanding the very nature of our present.
I know why we met beside these mountains.
I understand why it is the sky cradled us in its light.
This is the space our hearts were hearing decades ago that we saw deep within one another.
And although our lives at that moment could not hear the calling of the mountain; we somehow knew there would be this day, this space, this love.