Well it looks as though I did not succeed in writing and sharing yesterday. The day got a hold of me and just sped on by. When I woke this morning I realized I let the day slip away and my commitment along with it. I must say I had a heavy heart when I realized what I had forgotten.
And so I write today to process the whole thing and also to own my responsibility in that failure. Of course it is not the end of the world and of course it really doesn’t mean anything or affect anything. And yet, when I am trying to rewire things in my life, it does make a difference to me. I confess I get frustrated when I am not able to keep a commitment to myself and let myself down.
That is one of the things I am trying to change for myself as well. I would like to be a little more present and proactive in all of my practices and commitments to myself. The COVID shift and way of living has certainly thrown me off center and changed the way I engage with so many things.
This challenge was in some ways a celebration of returning to being present and then missing just knocked the wind out of my sails. I guess that is perhaps part of the process and part of the reframing. I can still do thirty days, it will just have a few gap days or cheat days if you will. At least I am back on and riding(writing) again.
Perhaps this is also a lesson in not being too hard on myself or beating myself up for not following through or meeting my own expectations. Perhaps I should give myself a break and let myself have the space and time to reconfigure the things I would like to shift. Perhaps I can be kinder to myself as well.
You know I never had difficulty committing to going to class and deepening my practice. The body has always been a first priority and I always figured out how to be present and show up for class in my training. It is the things that I am uncomfortable with or uncertain about that I have the most difficult time moving through.
I am happy that I am doing this though and working through it. In a small way it is helping to build courage and confidence in the process. Two things I need to build when it comes to writing and sharing that writing.