Open Roads Meeting The Feet

Tags

acceptance, allowing, becoming, beleif, Believing, changes, Conscious Living, courage, courageous heart, Courageous Vulnerability, Creative Flow, faith, heart, hope, humanity, inspiration, journey, joy, learning, lessons learned, light, listening, Magic, observations, sharing, Soul to Soul, spirit, spirituality, thoughts, universal consciousness, universal heart, Vulnerable, well being, Wonder

Throughout my life I have had the wildest belief that I would always be ok. I never really questioned how I would make it or get along for myself. Faith just seemed to be something that was akin to the essence of who I was that to question never crossed my mind.

Living in the moment with the belief that life would take care of itself has always worked out even if I had no idea where I was headed. As a young adult I just followed my heart in everything I did and fell into roles, opportunities and career paths. Because I listened to my heart, the path listened too.

I had no idea dance would ever be such a big part of my life. No clue that I would end up where I am today at this moment helping other movement lovers find their bliss in a body falling through space. Not to mention helping folks find their voice in the creative art of dance making. But somehow, by listening to the heart and believing in life and therefore myself, I am here.

Most of the opportunities I fell into were simply because I chose love over someone else’s path or traditional professional trajectory. Not in the least bit. On the contrary, I just fell. And when I did fall, all I did was learn to listen. Despite the challenges or hardships; listening was the way I was able to make sense of it all.

And fall I did; on my face, my hands and knees, my back, my front and tumble upside down at mind numbing speeds. I fell and was always caught by love. The heart always seemed to land me on my feet and just before the landing being the path underneath me once again.

I never dreamed I would be in dance. Never dreamed I would be a healer. Never dreamed I would be an artistic director. Never dreamed I would be a professor. Never dreamed I would travel the world because of it. Never dreamed I would create an alignment system that would profoundly change so many peoples lives. And yet, I continue to choose to fall.

And now, it seems like it is time for another fall. It feels as though I am on the edge of a release to once again change my own world simply by having the faith to say yes and to once again accept that the universe will always care for me and surround me in love. I have always walked with angels by my side. This I know.

And so it is with this fate that I open my heart to say yes to whatever opportunity might come my way. Whatever will fall into place and into an existence that is so unexpected and so undeniably right now; then so it shall be. I choose to fall and I choose to once again be placed on a path that will most certainly change my world and perhaps others as well.

When All is Lost, Sit.

Tags

acceptance, allowing, becoming, beleif, Believing, Conscious Living, courage, courageous heart, Courageous Vulnerability, Creativity, Energy, faith, heart path, hope, humanity, inspiration, journey, lessons learned, love, meditation, sitting, Soul to Soul, spirit, spirituality, universal consciousness, universal heart, Vulnerable, well being

I believe I have about hit that wall where there is nothing much more to give, do or believe possible in this current reality. At several moments during this day I had to simply shut down in lieu of any other response. With nothing left, no answers to what to do next, I did the only thing I could think of; sit.

After all of the remembering to breathe. After all the forgiveness, the only thing left to do was to sit, close the eyes and let go. And so I did.

Even though I have been sitting in meditation for over 160 days, knowing it has been the only thing that has gotten me this far or kept me going; I still have not been able to embrace the kind of reality change necessary to find the freedom that my spirit desires and that my purpose matches.

I realize that if I am to really find what my heart and spirit is longing for and has been longing for, I have to find a new way of being and living in this world. It is time for a new way of participating in my life and to let go of the many habits and patterns that have not been serving me for some time. It is time for a dark night of the soul kind of change which will shift the understanding of myself and challenge the way others have perceived me for so very long. It’s time for a new life.

Do I know what this life is? No. Do I know how it is all going to happen? No. But what I do know is this current reality is not supportive of the peace my spirit craves and the love that my heart also craves to be in alignment with who I am. And in truth, who I have always been but have sacrificed for the past twenty years.

Do I regret the journey? No. Much has come from the path I have been on. And yet, at a very high price. Much has been accomplished. And yet, much has been lost. Much has been shared and many lives and bodies transformed. And yet, fighting to make that happen has been incongruent with who I really am.

And so I sit today to let go. I sit tomorrow to let go and listen. I sit the day after and beyond to quiet my mind, still the heart, forgive myself and wait for the whispers of the Universe to reach out and take hold of my hand. After all this time moving, sitting is really where the salvation is.

Remembering to Breathe

Tags

allowing, becoming, Believing, breath, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, Energy, faith, heart, heart path, light, love, Soul to Soul, spirit, universal heart

It has been a whirlwind lately and the chaos of the moment is only bearable because of breath. Moment after moment of conscious deep breathing has been the only way to drop into the present moment of being and therefore doing. I am remembering to breathe as a mechanism of self care and self love.

Breathing, and deeply breathing, is actually a way to create space for ourselves. It’s a took that allows a chance for us to pull out and see the possibilities of the moment rather than be swept up by the noise surrounding the moment. If you are feeling overwhelmed, give yourself a moment of breath to see if that helps you collect your thoughts and still the heart.

Taking a breath is also reminding me to acknowledge and reconnect with my purpose. Often times we are so wrapped up in finding solutions that we forget our purpose and miss out on the opportunities that will allow solutions that support our true essence and therefore our true purposeful life. Breath is reminding me to reconnect rather than disconnect.

If you can, take a moment and give yourself a break simply by taking a breath. A little breath break can change many things and allow us to live ourselves when the chaotic noise no longer allows us to hear ourselves. Take a breath and take a chance on reclaiming you.

Strangling the Man Within

Tags

being a man, Conscious Living, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, gay, humanness, love, sensitivity, Soul to Soul, spirit, Suffocate, vulnerability, Vulnerable, vulnerablitiy

Strangling the Man Within

As young boys we are taught to be strong. We are conditioned to not cry, show weakness or reveal any kind of fear. Image after image floods our minds with what it means to “be a man”. This cultural and societal training is suffocating for so many of us regardless of the spectrum sexual or masculine identity we possess at such a young age. 

This is a wheel of conditioning and constructing that has been turning, and continues to turn, that we most often don’t see or recognize it happening to us and around us. Oftentimes we don’t even have an inkling of what is happening because we have never seen or have been exposed to anything or anyone like ourselves due to the strangling of sensitivity by a cultural preference to hyper masculinity. 

Upon reflection, I had no idea what I was even doing to myself or others in the name of this conditioning. In all of this heartwork I have been doing I am unraveling the pain and hurt caused by the conflict of my sensitivity in a time of being a man. As a boy I had such a difficult time squaring my sensitivity in a world that couldn’t understand them. And for a little boy,this hurt deeply. 

Being so developmentally young I was raw within the conflict and having to live in these surroundings. This conflict then comes out in only the ways conflict can. Rage, fear, hurt, pain, anger and heartache forces you into lockdown so as not to reveal who one is but to in fact hide our true nature in addition to all of the pain simply to keep one safe. 

This safety is in fact a prison. We imprison ourselves to close off in order to survive or hide our sensitive energies. With our limited understanding we close out the world by desensitizing ourselves in the hopes of our own survival. We do so because it is all we know to find some kind of peace within all of this conflict. 

Yet, we all know this is the furthest thing from peace. We struggle to belong. I struggled deeply to belong. I did my best to survive by living around the edges so as to keep my sensitivity in check, often never understanding why I was always on the outside looking “in”. Mind you, I was somehow able to do so with love in my heart which is what I attribute to why I had so many friends and why I was so liked. All of this despite my conflict. 

One memory I have of a moment of hurt was with my dad that constantly reminds me of where I was and what I was feeling within. This was early in my teenage years before I was able to drive. My dad picked me up from a gathering of friends and something had happened during that gathering that deeply hurt me. 

As we were on the way home I was doing my best to hold back my tears and reveal my pain. Clearly I was not fully capable of hiding my sensitivity on all occasions. Who is? And so my weeping, my tears fell into the lap of silence. 

Moments like this were difficult for my dad. His conditioning did not train him how to engage with a young man who is not like what is expected or what he expected of a son. To his credit he was able to dialogue with me and try to figure out what was bothering me. It was very bold of him to try and I was appreciative of this. 

During the ride, as we were getting closer to home, he said something that has stuck with me my entire life. He said “you just have to learn how not to wear your heart on your sleeve”. Translated it says that in order to be happy you must not let yourself show vulnerability or weakness by being sensitive. 

And just like that, one retreats. We remove the heart from our sleeves and throw them out the car window in order to keep ourselves safe in hopes of success. Not sure how successful we can be as men if we are no longer living with a heart that we have thrown away. 

So we do our best to carry on with our sensitivity locked away and our hearts abandoned on the side of the road. I wonder how many hearts are lying in disarray on all the highways we travel daily? How many young boys and men have abandoned our hearts simply to belong to something that isn’t even in line with who we are? 

Is it a wonder why we live in conflict, create conflict and perpetuate conflict? Is it a wonder why we are incapable of long lasting relationships that we so desperately desire and want? Despite our sensitivity we have not learned that it is safe to move about the world without hiding ourselves from it.  

It is possible to return to the side of the road and retrieve one’s heart. I have done it. In order to do the heartwork for our spiritual salvation we must return to the side of the road where we have left it. Go back, stop the car and get out to pick it back up. Put it back on your sleeve and let it begin to beat deeply and find its way and your way home. 

Know this, you are a boy, a teen, a young man and a man regardless of where you fall in the “masculinity” and sensitivity spectrum. Regardless of your affiliation, identity or sexuality; you are a man. And this man can be sensitive. This man can be loving. This man can be vulnerable. This man can simply be the man that they are. You can be the man you are. And it is your heart that will tell you so. 

Let that man speak again. Let that man feel again. 

Sitting to Listen

Tags

Believing, compassion, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, healing, heart knowledge, listening, listening to the body, listening to the heart, love, loving, Soul to Soul, spirit, well being, wellness

I have recently become aware of what my superpower is. In a Marvel Universe full of all the incredible beings saving everything in existence, I realize that in my marvelous reality I have none of the “powers” one would hope yet I possess the softest power of them all. After all of this time I am able to absorb, accept and be aware that my superpower is simply the ability to listen. 

I have been recognizing and becoming more aware of this quiet skill for some time now. It has taken a concerted effort to peel away the desire of our culture and society as a way of finally hearing the images, recognizing the omens and allowing for space to see my own truth. It has become clear to me that the notion of being a dancer, educator, choreographer, healer, singer and creative content provider are just simple reflections of what is actually within. 

Yes, I listen to what a dance needs when I am facilitating its creation so as to let it become what it needs and express what it needs to be. Yes, I hear with my eyes while looking at a sea of bodies in the studio while teaching so as to support the development and nurturing of bodies to become the vessel of the voices within. 

While healing, my hands become my ears as the body underneath them whispers what it needs and what is necessary to set free the energy to course correct and find harmony. The body’s ability to know what it needs and to be able to communicate this is crucial to its greatest health and well-being. 

I have been learning to sit in the company of others while emptying my mind of clutter and my heart of desire so that I might offer that space as a way of understanding and becoming keenly aware of what one’s heart needs. Similarly, I keep my heart open to hear who my dogs are and to allow them to share with me in their own ways what makes them safe, loved and appreciated. 

In my walking I have learned to hear what the earth has to say by letting her speak through my feet. With the mysteries of time she holds deeply within, each footfall unfolds it’s secrets and it’s heartache. Simultaneously, nature that surrounds me on these adventures also beckons to be heard so as to share its knowledge and magic as well. 

I have worked towards sitting in silence to open up my own heart so I can more deeply understand the darkness within and learn to untangle, unravel and “rewrite” a life lost in the quest to become an adult. Ironically I knew as a young boy I wanted to be an “idea guy”, someone who shared ideas and created things for companies. I didn’t have the words then or the awareness to realize at the time that I enjoyed listening and creating and doing so gave me so much joy. I instinctively knew my superpower but had no idea what that meant inside a world of noise full of the nonsense that strangles our hearts. 

So I have returned to being that child and to understand that what I knew deep within came from just being who I was and “naively” being true to what spoke to my heart and evoked joy. I strive to sit and listen in silence now so as to catch a whisper of the Divine as a way of recognizing the divine within. As I empty, I begin to glimpse the relationship of I AM. 

So what is your superpower? What is it that allows you to be the greatest you and an incredible contributor to a better life, a radiant love and a healer of this earth? Go ahead, I’m listening. 

The Magnitude of Being

Tags

Believing, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, healing, heart, heart knowledge, heart path, heartstrong, love, pathways, Soul to Soul, spirit, universal consciousness, universal heart

I am overwhelmed by this acceptance of being. Truly humbled by the magnitude of being in all honesty. The deeper I go into this journey of the heart I am reminded of the incredible richness of simply being on this journey of living. There are times when I can’t believe I have been given these gifts. 

Although my entire life has been a unique journey of discovering who I am at my deepest levels, there has always been a sense of childlike knowing that supported all of my actions and choices. To be honest, I have always felt I was looked after and cared for by outside forces that I never quite knew how to speak of. And yet now, at another transformative moment in my life, I feel very much cradled by an energy so magnificent that it often brings me to tears. 

Yes, I get so moved by the energy and love that I simply can’t believe that I am on this adventure of becoming again and again. Just when I think I don’t know the way or that answers are eluding me, I get wrapped in love and reminded that I am a child of an ever loving universe and it’s desire for my well-being. 

The pandemic was a catalyst for great change and heart work. I chose to go deep within rather than to reinvent myself in the wake of chaos. It was a conscious choice to heal and to let go of whatever I no longer needed or served me. It was a choice to not pretend that all was right in the world but rather embrace the moment as a time to return to many of the things I lost along the way of chasing; racing for a dream of the ego rather than the resonating truth of my being. 

Over the last three years I have found a new relationship with myself that is allowing the space for perhaps the greatest shift I will make for myself. How I have perceived myself and my work is now being re-examined and re-evaluated. This return to being is being felt on many levels and within all of my work both personally and professionally. 

Reuniting with dreams lost, a heart broken and a flame dwindling; now is the time to reignite the light within and retell the story. Rebuild the dream and rekindle the light that led me so far and to so many wonderful places. 

It’s funny because at so many times and experiences I found out how naïve I was and yet realize now that this perception was wrong all along. I knew where my heart was, what my hands could do and what instinctively drove my creativity. And although I didn’t know the world, the universe knew me. Letting the world change me and quiet the heart and dampen the dream was the shame and guilt from simply living and creating from the heart. 

And so now that there is a shift back to the heart and the work of love, I am witness to the shedding of so much pain, hurt and fear. I am witness to the letting go and lightening of these burdens that have been strangling the heart and the voice. It’s time to sing once again the sweet victories of being and to celebrate once again the magnitude of being. It’s time to be the light and energy that is truly what lives within. It’s a time of pivot and a time to be free. 

A Little Space to Listen

Tags

abundance, listening, listening to the body, listening to the heart, quiet, quiet heart, quiet mind, quieting the heart, quieting the mind, space, time and space

If I could share my secrets with you, I would do so. Yet these secrets I understand are not mine to tell. These whispers are there for all of us; every being that shares this earth. As a matter of fact, infinite wisdom is available to anyone and any being should they choose to quiet the mind in order to hear what the energies of the world have to say. 

What seems like magic to some is in fact truly science yet to be understood by a mind full of individual need. When there is no space in mind, there is no room for new. It’s awfully difficult to welcome change when there is no space for change to occur. 

This can often be seen in the training of the body as well. When we miss the opportunity to find space within our body, we miss the greatest chance we have to open up from within in order to truly understand how miraculous our elegant body can perform. Instead we force, manipulate and violently demand from our body what is not functionally supportive of a body in the act of healing and congruent with a body in the state of movement wellness.

The through line here is the need and craving for space, both physically and energetically, to be able to function from the voice of the heart and the breath of quietude. Both the body and the mind need space and time to quietly open us up to listen with the fullness of our being. 

Is it possible for you to press open time to slow the mind and to sit with yourself? Small moments strung together create larger moments and create greater energy. Slowly and deliberately our choices become actions that allow deeper connections and deeper listening. 

It is possible to listen even when living within the chaos. It is possible to listen even when we are within pain. It is possible to be at our lowest point and still make the decision to be, to still and to listen. These in fact difficult times are often the greatest gift we could ever be given. Perhaps we could see these moments as a map for the bridge of transformation spoken only in the ways we so stubbornly cling to in order to move us to a place where we finally let go and give ourselves over to those whispers of time. 

Welcome space and time into small moments of your life on a daily basis and the secrets you crave will be lovingly shared. This abundance is yours just as it is every living thing. 

Every Now and Then

Tags

Conscious Living, quiet, quiet heart, quiet mind, quiet reflection, quieting the heart, quieting the mind, relinquishing

There are times when I slip into a silent space falling into a void of uncertainty and unknowing. My mind wonders about choices, paths and stories lost to the past. Although I am present, the open space begins to fill with questions. 

During these days I do my best to simply breathe and be ever more present without judgement or guilt. I can’t possibly know if the choices were right or wrong. I can’t see the end of the path nor rewrite stories lost. All I can do is just breathe the moment and relinquish my body to this space. 

Perhaps this is a symptom of again and something everyone experiences along the way of maturity and growth. Perhaps it is a good thing that there is this reflective time often experienced with tears. Perhaps this is the recalibration of energy and emotion to allow a moment and space for a new beginning. 

So I move through the motions of the day with conscious movement and breath in order to find my grounding and sense of anchoring during what feels like a downpour of unknowing. Sensing and listening through my feet seems to be the only way to make sense of it all. 

Sense of the insensible.

A Return to the Realignment of the Creative Process

Tags

Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, Creativity, Dance, dance maker, dance makers, dance making, dancers, LGBTQIA+, queer, queer champion, queer creativity, Queer spirit, Soul to Soul, spirit

The journey of a creative spirit is unique to each individual who embraces their true nature and walks the path that is congruent with their hearts and their essence. Every person is creative and is a part of the overall creative energy that is life itself. To the degree we embrace the creative elements of our being is up to us and the choices we make to live our lives in line with our authentic selves. 

I knew from a young age I was creative but had no idea what that meant or that one could even live a life as a creative being. Growing up in a traditional and conservative home where creativity was not a part of our everyday lives, one never realizes that living in that way that is congruent is even possible. It is much like growing up in a home that is heteronormative and not seeing that there are people out there that think and feel the way you do. When the world is created for a particular group of people or an idealized ideology that excludes anything “different”, one never realizes that who they really are can be a beautiful way of being; truly being oneself. 

I went through a childhood of posing. I played all kinds of sports from baseball to basketball from football to wrestling and even gymnastics. I was not very good at any of them although I did have the most success in wrestling and gymnastics. The clear thing looking back on all of that was the throughline of movement. I was a mover and excellent when I was physically in my body and in a constant state of flow regardless of the quality or energy of that movement. 

I had always secretly wanted to sing and act while I was doing all of this posing. When I finally got to high school I met others who wanted similar things and realized there is a whole world out there who wanted similar things as me. I began exploring the idea of acting when taking theatre classes and getting involved in plays and eventually musicals. This was a shift towards that alignment with creativity and felt incredibly freeing. Was it possible to do something you really loved and it all be ok? 

And so began the journey of uncovering the creative spirit. I had the opportunity to be able to be in many different shows throughout the remainder of my high school experience and beyond. I followed the path of voice lessons, auditions and professional engagements. The career began to grow and the circles of opportunity kept expanding. Even so, there always seemed to be something missing that was not quite fulfilled. Until I realized how much dance was necessary for the next level of success. 

Once I had this realization I found myself drawn into the creative process of physical and energetic transformation. I was exposed to modern dance for the first time and felt like I was finally “home”. I was able to be in body and in spirit while I was exploring the fullness of my creative voice and simultaneously the fullness of my spirit. What was lacking in my spiritual practice was tied directly to my body moving in ways that revealed so much more about myself than I could have ever imagined. 

The introduction of Tai Chi as a physical manifestation of Taoism was a significant connection for me. So as I grew deeper within my dance training I also grew deeper in my spiritual practice. The evolution of me as a physical being was in line with my evolution as a spiritual being. I finally had a vehicle as a way to more fully understand my true creative nature and they wonderfully went hand and hand. 

And so the creative journey has always been the harmony of movement and spirit. All of my creative work is always deeply rooted in eastern esoteric traditions translated through contemporary creative explorations. Energy has alway been a part of my philosophy and is how I see choreography. For me, choreography is the art of shaping energy in space creating three dimensional visceral worlds as a way of exploring concepts and ideas of the heart. 

It is another reason that I rarely focus my work on gender or sexuality despite being a queer memeber of the LGBTQIA+ community. In my work I focus on the beings in the work and not so much those folks trying to portray something or someone. We work through the energy of the individuals within the landscape of the world and build from there. It has always been about being a dancer’s choreographer and helping the dancer feel comfortable in their own skin within the worlds they inhabit. 

I see the spectrum of yin and yang in all of my work. Not the western understanding of opposites or binary limitations, but rather the true nature of both yin and yang as a part of one another and that are within one another to even exist. It is always a reminder that we are all genders and all energies and elements. We are constantly finding our own harmony that is congruent with who we are and the energies of our body and our spirit. It is from this place, being in our own alignment, that we find the true nature of our voice and the ability to express its creative nature to its fullest. 

So even if I am not expressing my viewpoint as a queer body in motion, not being the perceived activist, I am artfully sharing a quiet viewpoint of a spectrum of love through a non-traditional approach to movement and creative expression.  Creativity is in and of itself activism at it’s best. The art of making and becoming, creating and expressing despite living in a world obsessed with money, success and fame is a revolutionary way of existing. 

Although I came out as gay when I was beginning my creative process, I feel as if I have not always come out or been honost with my creative career often hiding the ritualistic nature of my work or even the deep spiritual connection within my work. Yes, it has always been there, but I have not really allowed folks to fully see the depth of that information and how it is so significant in all of my teaching as well. Even in the EBAS work I have hidden a lot of the information away out of the fear of making folks uncomfortable with something foreign or unknown to them. And now it is time to let go of that and tell the story. 

It is time to tell the story of how I have come to this place in my life through a creative process alongside a spiritual journey. It is time to bring all three aspects of my being into harmony, not feeling the need to isolate the parts of myself for others’ comfortability. It is time for my comfortability and my peace finally after all of these years. Time to release the fullness of the creative spirit and embrace the multidimensional creative, energetic and sexual being that I am. Time to share that process and time to let go of the shame and fear of rejection or acceptance. I have fully accepted myself and now it is time to just be that in every way I am capable. After all, doing that is allowing myself to be present and visible for those that were never able to see it in their worlds before. It’s a way of being that champion so someone else can be the champion for themselves. 

Returning to Body

Tags

Ballet, begin again, beginners mind, choreograph, choreographer, choreography, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, Creative Flow, creative process, Dance, gender, physicality, Soul to Soul

For this new moon I focused on setting my intentions and one of the things that I put out there was to find more ways in which I could alter my habitual patterning and find out what else I might be able to rekindle or ignite in terms of my creativity. There are a lot of things I would like to reawaken and reinspire myself to do. 

One of those things was to take risks creatively and to find myself in situations that will provide me an opportunity for greater exploration and discovery. Wonderfully I am one of six folks sharing and teaching for a queer creative workshop series. One of the things that is important to me is to support this series so as it can build momentum and a community. 

I have decided to not just teach but also to energetically and financially support this wonderful adventure. So, I have chosen a few of the workshops to attend and today was the first of them. It was rather exciting to sign up and get my energy focused and ready for this process. 

It was rather exciting to be a student again. Very exciting to not have to be the instructor or hold the space as I normally would. It wa such a luxury to just be and do in the ways of a person exploring the process and not driving it. 

I really enjoyed going through the creative process and being able to find a new way of making that was different from my own or at least inspired by a whole new perspective. I was also dancing so freely and with abandonment. Such a divine reverie that I have not felt in a long time. 

I was in my body again discovering in community. I was exploring and expanding movement possibilities with the focus on my quads as the inspiration or spark for how I was feeling about gender or feeling gender in my body. So good to fall back to the essence of my being simply by dropping down into my body. 

I realize how much I have missed this. I realized how much I would like to get back into the studios like this and just do and be to become all I can in my body. Time is wide long away and it would be nice to be in love with my moving body again and rekindle that passion and love of physicality and spirit. 

And so I found myself again. I remembered my physical being that I lost many years ago. I see him again. I feel him returning with every gesture, movement and phrasing. The light is retiring and there is a reanimation in process. Such a joy to return.