Strangling the Man Within

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being a man, Conscious Living, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, gay, humanness, love, sensitivity, Soul to Soul, spirit, Suffocate, vulnerability, Vulnerable, vulnerablitiy

Strangling the Man Within

As young boys we are taught to be strong. We are conditioned to not cry, show weakness or reveal any kind of fear. Image after image floods our minds with what it means to “be a man”. This cultural and societal training is suffocating for so many of us regardless of the spectrum sexual or masculine identity we possess at such a young age. 

This is a wheel of conditioning and constructing that has been turning, and continues to turn, that we most often don’t see or recognize it happening to us and around us. Oftentimes we don’t even have an inkling of what is happening because we have never seen or have been exposed to anything or anyone like ourselves due to the strangling of sensitivity by a cultural preference to hyper masculinity. 

Upon reflection, I had no idea what I was even doing to myself or others in the name of this conditioning. In all of this heartwork I have been doing I am unraveling the pain and hurt caused by the conflict of my sensitivity in a time of being a man. As a boy I had such a difficult time squaring my sensitivity in a world that couldn’t understand them. And for a little boy,this hurt deeply. 

Being so developmentally young I was raw within the conflict and having to live in these surroundings. This conflict then comes out in only the ways conflict can. Rage, fear, hurt, pain, anger and heartache forces you into lockdown so as not to reveal who one is but to in fact hide our true nature in addition to all of the pain simply to keep one safe. 

This safety is in fact a prison. We imprison ourselves to close off in order to survive or hide our sensitive energies. With our limited understanding we close out the world by desensitizing ourselves in the hopes of our own survival. We do so because it is all we know to find some kind of peace within all of this conflict. 

Yet, we all know this is the furthest thing from peace. We struggle to belong. I struggled deeply to belong. I did my best to survive by living around the edges so as to keep my sensitivity in check, often never understanding why I was always on the outside looking “in”. Mind you, I was somehow able to do so with love in my heart which is what I attribute to why I had so many friends and why I was so liked. All of this despite my conflict. 

One memory I have of a moment of hurt was with my dad that constantly reminds me of where I was and what I was feeling within. This was early in my teenage years before I was able to drive. My dad picked me up from a gathering of friends and something had happened during that gathering that deeply hurt me. 

As we were on the way home I was doing my best to hold back my tears and reveal my pain. Clearly I was not fully capable of hiding my sensitivity on all occasions. Who is? And so my weeping, my tears fell into the lap of silence. 

Moments like this were difficult for my dad. His conditioning did not train him how to engage with a young man who is not like what is expected or what he expected of a son. To his credit he was able to dialogue with me and try to figure out what was bothering me. It was very bold of him to try and I was appreciative of this. 

During the ride, as we were getting closer to home, he said something that has stuck with me my entire life. He said “you just have to learn how not to wear your heart on your sleeve”. Translated it says that in order to be happy you must not let yourself show vulnerability or weakness by being sensitive. 

And just like that, one retreats. We remove the heart from our sleeves and throw them out the car window in order to keep ourselves safe in hopes of success. Not sure how successful we can be as men if we are no longer living with a heart that we have thrown away. 

So we do our best to carry on with our sensitivity locked away and our hearts abandoned on the side of the road. I wonder how many hearts are lying in disarray on all the highways we travel daily? How many young boys and men have abandoned our hearts simply to belong to something that isn’t even in line with who we are? 

Is it a wonder why we live in conflict, create conflict and perpetuate conflict? Is it a wonder why we are incapable of long lasting relationships that we so desperately desire and want? Despite our sensitivity we have not learned that it is safe to move about the world without hiding ourselves from it.  

It is possible to return to the side of the road and retrieve one’s heart. I have done it. In order to do the heartwork for our spiritual salvation we must return to the side of the road where we have left it. Go back, stop the car and get out to pick it back up. Put it back on your sleeve and let it begin to beat deeply and find its way and your way home. 

Know this, you are a boy, a teen, a young man and a man regardless of where you fall in the “masculinity” and sensitivity spectrum. Regardless of your affiliation, identity or sexuality; you are a man. And this man can be sensitive. This man can be loving. This man can be vulnerable. This man can simply be the man that they are. You can be the man you are. And it is your heart that will tell you so. 

Let that man speak again. Let that man feel again. 

A Return to Water

This summer has been all about transformation on so many levels. Yesterday was another example of making conscious choices to shift life in a few different ways and return the body to water. It was a time of repatterning and finding lost strength. 

It has been about two years since I have found myself in a pool and swimming. The pandemic forced everything to close and the indoor pools were no exception. Like many, our routines of working out in whatever ways worked best for us, were no longer at our disposal. 

After doing all of this internal energy work, walking and running, I knew it was time to dive back into the waters that brought me great joy and grounding. It had been so long and I knew I had lost so much strength in not doing so. It was now time to change all that. 

Since my gym closed their pool I needed to find another option to swim again but had no idea where I would go. I held out from using the aquatics Center at VCU for so long I forgot that this might be an option. 

I shied away from this option due to students being present. But that just reminded me that perhaps this might be the time to reevaluate that wall and find myself in a place that was convenient for me over any other issues that were holding me back. 

On Tuesday of this week I went ahead and went for it. I signed up for a membership and set foot in the gym for the first time since coming here 20 years ago. It felt good to bridge that gap and to see how beautiful a place it was. 

Yesterday I found the courage to adventure back to the pool and begin my swim practice. Oddly my silent goal was simply to go, get in and just see how we would do. I exceeded that goal by going ahead and swimming for about a half an hour. It felt great. 

Mind you, it was hard as could be but at the same time felt so wonderfully freeing. To be back in the water and rebuilding a relationship with my body and that element was divine. I was actually rather giddy in the process. It reminded me how much I have missed it but had been ignoring or rather not listening to the desire to be physical in this way. 

What a delightful reminder and oddly a beautiful way to reinspire even more wellness, strength and courage. I was so inspired by it that I went overboard in purchasing some new swim trunks this morning. Excited that they will be arriving this weekend for my next pool adventure on Sunday. 

I have decided a swim schedule for Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday will be a very manageable way to get back into being. A beautiful way to get back into the body. This added to the EBAS and walking will be an amazing cross training. It is delightful being on the path of being empowered by movement on all levels. 

It’s good to be back in the body and back into water. It’s good to be back to me

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 22

The sweet eyes of my boy who lovingly stares into my being

The sweet kisses offered of my boy out of the blue

The sweet holding of my arm of my boy to keep me close

The sweet dreams of my boy as he fearlessly dreams with abandonment

The sweet snoring of my boy who gives into the his restorative slumber 

The sweet cuddles of my boy as he connects every morning 

The sweet love of my boy who I am so grateful is a part of this pack

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 21

Tags

abundance, Believing, Conscious Living, prosperity, quiet heart, quiet mind, quiet reflection, quieting the heart, quieting the mind, Soul to Soul, spirit

I sit on a fragile branch

Perched in anticipation

Quietly and patiently 

In this moment there is no expectation

Continuing to believe

Abundance is just the other side of shadow

To quiet the mind while sitting

Softening the heart 

Prosperity fills the space that is allowed

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 8

Tags

Believing, change, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, love, Mind shift, shifting paradigm, Soul to Soul, spirit

6/9/21

As I sit down to write today I realized how much I enjoy writing in the morning than at any other time in the day. I also realized that the morning holds a wonderful quiet and peace for me than at any other time of day. Recognizing this reminds me that perhaps this time of day is the most important and productive time for me and that I should keep that space sacred for myself and give myself and the work I do to this time. 

In some of the work I was doing yesterday that was on my to do list, I also noticed a shift in my connection to that work. I breezed through much of it and had a strange sense of ease and joy in facing the wind of my work. My habit is to procrastinate out of fear and uncertainty but with a change in focus and a new habit forming, there is a shift in confidence and connection to a lot of the other work I am doing as well. 

The shift yesterday in perspective regarding the question of is this “good for my life” added to this ease as well. Yes, getting things done and out of the head space with worry eases up space for joy. Funny how when we remove the worry, stress, fear, shame and any other noise of emotion that lives in our head and heart space, we open a place for joy, wonder, light, creativity and love to be. What a great way to think about letting go of the negative clutter; letting the heaviness of the dark drain open a space to be refilled with light. 

Of course being able to do this is not an easy task. However, if we allow a little space for ourselves we may give our bodies, hearts and minds a moment to make a decision to let go rather than react, respond or speak. Is it possible for us to create a small moment in between to quiet, allow and empty ourselves and create the opportunity for the refilling of that space with light? Is it possible that we can give the people and animals in our lives that space as well? 

It is a really nice thing when we not only give ourselves the space of time, but we give other beings this space and time as well. I like to think that if I am capable of creating a “distance” I am capable of welcoming love in that distance to bring us closer. It doesn’t seem like it should work that way, but if we allow ourselves and others the space, time and courtesy; we diffuse the tension, release the stress and let go of the need to be right, win or come out on top. 

Why is it that the ego takes over and we feel as if we have to make ourselves feel better by destroying someone else? Why do we as a culture feel as if winning is all that matters? How come we can’t be happy with simply doing our best, not responding or reacting and letting the dust settle to reflect and then respond out of kindness? 

This space has been doing me a great bit of good. Learning to rewire the moments in between and giving myself a break, a pause or a silence in order to let go and drain the negativity as opposed to letting it pour over the edges spilling into other unwanted aspects of our lives. If we are no longer spilling we then are draining and that is the goal. 

This new connection of honoring my morning rituals and giving myself this space to write, reflect, connect with the boys is giving me momentum for that space. Recognizing when I am at my best and giving myself the opportunity to be my best creates space for me to practice throughout the rest of the day. 

I have a strong sense of gratitude for being present to make those good choices and to pause to see if the action is good for my life and letting myself refill with joy. So for myself mornings are the time for draining and refilling. The opening for the release. The quiet for the rewiring of ritual. The little sacred space for nothingness. 

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 6

6/7/21

Well it looks as though I did not succeed in writing and sharing yesterday. The day got a hold of me and just sped on by. When I woke this morning I realized I let the day slip away and my commitment along with it. I must say I had a heavy heart when I realized what I had forgotten. 

And so I write today to process the whole thing and also to own my responsibility in that failure. Of course it is not the end of the world and of course it really doesn’t mean anything or affect anything. And yet, when I am trying to rewire things in my life, it does make a difference to me. I confess I get frustrated when I am not able to keep a commitment to myself and let myself down. 

That is one of the things I am trying to change for myself as well. I would like to be a little more present and proactive in all of my practices and commitments to myself. The COVID shift and way of living has certainly thrown me off center and changed the way I engage with so many things. 

This challenge was in some ways a celebration of returning to being present and then missing just knocked the wind out of my sails. I guess that is perhaps part of the process and part of the reframing. I can still do thirty days, it will just have a few gap days or cheat days if you will. At least I am back on and riding(writing) again. 

Perhaps this is also a lesson in not being too hard on myself or beating myself up for not following through or meeting my own expectations. Perhaps I should give myself a break and let myself have the space and time to reconfigure the things I would like to shift. Perhaps I can be kinder to myself as well. 

You know I never had difficulty committing to going to class and deepening my practice. The body has always been a first priority and I always figured out how to be present and show up for class in my training. It is the things that I am uncomfortable with or uncertain about that I have the most difficult time moving through. 

I am happy that I am doing this though and working through it. In a small way it is helping to build courage and confidence in the process. Two things I need to build when it comes to writing and sharing that writing. 

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 4

Well the day has been full of creativity, physicality and healing. So much so that I find myself at the end of the day making sure I uphold my commitment. Yes, it is the end of the day and I have realized my focus has taken me so many other places other than writing.

I am feeling giddy over the idea that I actually am taking the time to keep my commitment and to sit and write. Oddly it is not out of obligation but rather a sense of commitment to staying the course and supporting myself regardless of what it takes. It kind of feels empowering really to take the time, make the time and keep the promise.

So instead of feeling as if I am falling short, it feels good to acknowledge commitment, courage and creativity. I may not be following the thoughts of the past three days, but I am following through. And quite frankly, following through is not easy but I am doing it.

Here’s to saying yes. Here’s to saying ok. Here’s to taking and making the time. Here’s to showing up and following through. And here’s to simply doing the best at this moment and going through whatever needed to be gone through to make it work. It might not be the longest post, but it’s a post.

And for that, I’m proud. Do what you can and gotta do. Then, let it all go.

I Think The Butterfly Knows

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acceptance, butterfly, change, changes, faith, inevitability, mindfulness, new beginning, new life, patience, peace, time, transformation, vulnerablitiy

I think the butterfly knows the hardship of transformation. They know the process takes time and understand that patience and faith are its only weapon.

I think the butterfly knows what it means to be vulnerable as on is left suspended with little defense waiting for the change. 

I think the butterfly knows the inevitability of change and what it must require of ones being to accept ones individual path to beauty and well-being. 

I think the butterfly knows how to embrace temporality as their life span is but such a small blip on the radar of time. 

I think the butterfly knows the value of being present and to welcome the tumultuous and dynamic physical shift that must occur in order to take flight. 

I think the butterfly knows what most of us human beings need to know; patience faith, vulnerability inevitability, acceptance, mindfulness and peace. 

Yes, without a doubt, I think the butterfly knows! 

Small Moments/Small Breaths

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art, changes, Dance, Dance Appreciation, Dance Forms, dance makers, dance making, dancer makers, dancers, dancing, Existence, faith, humanity, learning, lessons learned, me, observations, sharing, space, thoughts, truth

Small Moments/Small Breaths

Strangled by the separation of bodies in motion in shared spaces and the need to push forward in “uncertain” times I have finally come to a point where I no longer feel confident and secure in pushing forward. Sure, I have had to find the strength and courage to be there for the students and to be able to find the ability to keep on keeping on, but honestly, it has been a lot to carry and at times hard to breathe.

Once classes had ended I found myself a drift in these new spaces and new ways of figuring out what to do. Like so many, I struggled with not being able to be in the same space with all of these incredible bodies searching, striving and living the beauty of a body in motion artfully shaping space with incredible precision and grace. The lack of being present in the moment of transformation hurts the kinetic spirits of a community of movement. And no matter how much I am supposed to be brave, confident and courageous, alas I don’t think I am succeeding.

In  many ways this is good to be able to recalibrate and ask so many necessary questions. I believe this as well as believe that in the end this will be a moment of courageous change and a necessary shift for the field and for how dance lives in academia. Truth be told I have never seen myself as a “company” kind of artist nor one that is constantly academically justifying outcomes in an art form that, for me, is all about the process of discovery.

Within the context of this time, how do we reframe the ways in which we see ourselves within the field, within the our process and within our dreams? When being a body in artful motion has been in many ways irreversibly changed, how does one continue to find the surface of the waters of darkness to just catch a little breath to fill the lungs of hope?

Of course I am moving! I still continue to share EBAS classes with folks from all over finding new discoveries and new ways of being in communion. Sure I take long walks with Beathan and find myself in motion on so many levels. Yet, my heart is broken by the inability to be in communities of movement artists to grapple with new concepts and ideas together while watching and encouraging play and exploration.

As many know I am very much an introvert but being in a classroom either leading or collaborating is the way in which I am able to find connection, compassion and a fulfilled heart. I must say being alone isn’t lonely when the work you do on a daily basis is in community and in the love and passion for your work.

One of the things I love most about teaching is the extremely intimate hands on approach that I engage in with my students. I have healing hands and consider myself more a healer than a teacher, choreographer or artist. Certainly more so than an academic. Be that as it may, when the ability to physically connect and create a space of sensorial exploration and transformation is removed from your daily experience, it is crushing and suffocating to say the least.

So now that having to put on my big boy pants and carry on has come to a close, I must admit I am at a loss now that even the smallest amount of connection to movement and students has dried up. Now it is a matter of asking questions and spending a great deal of time accessing new ways of moving and perhaps new ways of making. Yet, I am not interested in the many forms that people are suggesting and pretending that it is just the way we have to carry on. I certainly understand that we need to move forward and figure it out, but still my heart breaks at the love lost in the ways that have meant so much to me.

Truth be told I am not a dance for camera person. It is a great field and there is so much great work happening, but it is simply just not something for me. Many of the directions we are being asked to explore are not for me nor am I particularly interested in being a part of. There are so many wonderful artists already doing this great work and exploring those avenues. I am just not one of them. No, I am one of those artists that lives and breathes the body and craves the discoveries and all the wisdom that a body in motion shares in that process. Is it so wrong to JUST want to be that? Is it a crime to not want to pretend that I am desperately afraid of losing the kind of physical corporeal wisdom that I value above all else?

So then why is it I feel I am not connecting to all of these new ways and that I am just not capable of pretending to be “going with the flow”? While I mourn the loss of contact and the physicality and exuberance of training and performing, do I still have to pretend that all of this doesn’t matter? Is pretending that the heart is broken and still carrying on a healthy thing to do or can we breathe and ask ourselves the kinds of questions we need to ask in a more calm, rational and open space?

This is the thing about calamity, we turn into very reactive individuals trying to solve problems that we have no answers for but feel we need to do it in the first place simply because we are falling prey to the corporatization of academia, the field and the prioritization of outcome or product driven models of success. Wouldn’t it be the time to breathe and ask ourselves some deep seated questions about how to move forward while truly addressing issues in the field that have continued to be overlooked? Would it be nice to stop the train and have conversations that are necessary in having to actually work in community rather than work as individuals in a community cloaked in the very models of suppression that exist?

I would most certainly welcome the space and time to share and grapple with how we are all feeling and move from a place of empathetic understanding as the beginnings of discovering the kind of field that is necessary at this time and the kind of field dance has the potential to be. If we find ourselves coupling together in the energy of survival, how are we asking ourselves clear questions through the lens of creative change instead?

In my meditations I keep on hearing the body whisper “small movements. small breaths”. It is a recurring phrase that I hear but am not quite sure how to translate. The one thing I do know is it is suggesting small and conscious steps through conscious movement with conscious breath. I also think it is a response to the broken heart missing movement, connection and the joy of that collaboration. Perhaps slowing down into the present moment of every action with the awareness of that moment is the best way for me at this time to find the courage and confidence to breathe deeply in movement again.

Perhaps this is all I have to hold on at this moment as I figure out where I wish to go next. Perhaps this is the way of asking myself the questions of my intentions within the field and the kind of artist I wish to be moving forward. Perhaps this is the moment to question whether the kind of artist I am is viable at this moment or will the way I have loved working ever have value in the same way. Perhaps small movement and small breaths will be the way in which I am able to answer these questions finding a path the brings peace back to my heart.

To The Side I Dream. In The Center I Become

Tags

becoming, gratitude, growth, inspiration, lessons learned, life, light, love, observations, spirit, spirituality, truth

I am not sure that I have ever felt a sense of belonging at any time in my life. As the baby in a family of five there never seemed to be a space as the little one that made things uneven or imbalanced. That and knowing from a very young age that who I was didn’t seem to line up with the family’s religious or cultural views. And yet, off to the side I was, dreaming and building worlds in the heart of my imagination. Sitting within that space I realize even at such a young age I found my center and I started to become the very heart of who I am today.

As a child in school growing up I also felt quite different and not quite like others. To say I felt as if I was the one of those beings unlike the others would be an understatement. I think I realized very early on the importance that modeling kindness and love for everyone I encountered seemed to create relationships that mattered and therefor love allowed more space for imagining connection even if I didn’t feel I belonged. And so through kindness I found my center and started to become the very compassionate being I am today.

As a teen I played all kinds of sports and was involved in all kinds of activities. I was privileged to be able to have these experiences and yet they scared me to death. I hated being out in the outfield because there was no other place to put me. Standing out hoping a ball wouldn’t come my way. Batting time and again and hoping to get walked simply to avoid the humiliation of striking out. And yet, when it came to being seen always being recognized as the sportsperson of the season because of what I was capable of doing for others around me. Wishing to be a ghost but seen as a strength for others. And so through support I found my center and started to become the empath I am today.

And who couldn’t forget the football team? I mean really? The size of me doesn’t really work with the power and the force that my friends were capable of harnessing. And even in this instance, despite the mismatch and lack of talent, I loved it. Not only that, but I loved the friends that I spent my time with. I always felt cared for and protected despite not feeling like one of the guys. But for some reason, after games, we sang. Yes, we celebrated and we enjoyed life come the rain or the shine. And even if I was on the “field”, mostly sidelines, I found my center made of joy; joy that came from liking doing something with people I admired and respected which started the notion that I could lead others in song even if it wasn’t on the field.

And then I found myself in theater. I took a risk to embrace being different and choosing so I found a small part of my voice. I stumbled upon my actual voice. I opened the door to a world of lovely people who were kind and who I realized began to see me perhaps as me even if the revelation of my full being remained hidden from public view. And yes, I seemed to thrive in this industry but always felt an outsider as I had no formal training or experience. Would they found out I have no idea what I am doing? That on top of the fact that I am not at all what I seem? Yet even so, I found my center “hearing” myself for the first time and thinking I might have a chance to become the listener of something if I worked at it.

Following my voice and the theater I came to realize I enjoyed it and found great pleasure but like all other things in my life, I just didn’t seem to fit that world. Once again unlike the outspoken others I was finding out that where I really found great joy, as the introvert that I am was in the animation and training of my physical voice, the body. I fell in love with dance as it was the thing I could do hiding behind my dyslexia and crippling fear of being found out that I did not see the world and words as others. So being on the outside now became the inside as I listened and learned how my body worked and how it would become the tool of my life. I found my center at the center of a moving body and breathing soul.

And here I am today, after all these years in the field having had a career as a dancer, choreographer and educator, still with the same feeling of being in dance but not of dance. I have made an incredible life in this art form. I am so grateful that it has given me so many beautiful experiences, friends, travel and the manifestation of breathtaking work. So much gratitude for it all. Yet, as most people know, I am not in the “game” of dance just as I have never been in the game of anything I have done. I did it and do it out of the joy and love I get from doing it and doing it as if my life needs it as I need breath. Oddly enough I have also realized how much I don’t need it as I have also found a way to breathe with the soul that has been with me all along in the times I have been to the side living in my dreams.

I guess after all of this living in the shadow of fear, isolation and not belonging; I realize I belong to myself and to the dreams I have been able to manifest simply by giving into the center of myself in everything I did. I have been living in the center of becoming and in doing so, I have always belonged. I recognize that in accepting I belong, I have always been able to see the unseen, feel the unfelt and dream the impossible. And in the end, I accept all that I am and honor that at the center of it all, we all belong if we accept the center of ourselves.