To The Side I Dream. In The Center I Become

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becoming, gratitude, growth, inspiration, lessons learned, life, light, love, observations, spirit, spirituality, truth

I am not sure that I have ever felt a sense of belonging at any time in my life. As the baby in a family of five there never seemed to be a space as the little one that made things uneven or imbalanced. That and knowing from a very young age that who I was didn’t seem to line up with the family’s religious or cultural views. And yet, off to the side I was, dreaming and building worlds in the heart of my imagination. Sitting within that space I realize even at such a young age I found my center and I started to become the very heart of who I am today.

As a child in school growing up I also felt quite different and not quite like others. To say I felt as if I was the one of those beings unlike the others would be an understatement. I think I realized very early on the importance that modeling kindness and love for everyone I encountered seemed to create relationships that mattered and therefor love allowed more space for imagining connection even if I didn’t feel I belonged. And so through kindness I found my center and started to become the very compassionate being I am today.

As a teen I played all kinds of sports and was involved in all kinds of activities. I was privileged to be able to have these experiences and yet they scared me to death. I hated being out in the outfield because there was no other place to put me. Standing out hoping a ball wouldn’t come my way. Batting time and again and hoping to get walked simply to avoid the humiliation of striking out. And yet, when it came to being seen always being recognized as the sportsperson of the season because of what I was capable of doing for others around me. Wishing to be a ghost but seen as a strength for others. And so through support I found my center and started to become the empath I am today.

And who couldn’t forget the football team? I mean really? The size of me doesn’t really work with the power and the force that my friends were capable of harnessing. And even in this instance, despite the mismatch and lack of talent, I loved it. Not only that, but I loved the friends that I spent my time with. I always felt cared for and protected despite not feeling like one of the guys. But for some reason, after games, we sang. Yes, we celebrated and we enjoyed life come the rain or the shine. And even if I was on the “field”, mostly sidelines, I found my center made of joy; joy that came from liking doing something with people I admired and respected which started the notion that I could lead others in song even if it wasn’t on the field.

And then I found myself in theater. I took a risk to embrace being different and choosing so I found a small part of my voice. I stumbled upon my actual voice. I opened the door to a world of lovely people who were kind and who I realized began to see me perhaps as me even if the revelation of my full being remained hidden from public view. And yes, I seemed to thrive in this industry but always felt an outsider as I had no formal training or experience. Would they found out I have no idea what I am doing? That on top of the fact that I am not at all what I seem? Yet even so, I found my center “hearing” myself for the first time and thinking I might have a chance to become the listener of something if I worked at it.

Following my voice and the theater I came to realize I enjoyed it and found great pleasure but like all other things in my life, I just didn’t seem to fit that world. Once again unlike the outspoken others I was finding out that where I really found great joy, as the introvert that I am was in the animation and training of my physical voice, the body. I fell in love with dance as it was the thing I could do hiding behind my dyslexia and crippling fear of being found out that I did not see the world and words as others. So being on the outside now became the inside as I listened and learned how my body worked and how it would become the tool of my life. I found my center at the center of a moving body and breathing soul.

And here I am today, after all these years in the field having had a career as a dancer, choreographer and educator, still with the same feeling of being in dance but not of dance. I have made an incredible life in this art form. I am so grateful that it has given me so many beautiful experiences, friends, travel and the manifestation of breathtaking work. So much gratitude for it all. Yet, as most people know, I am not in the “game” of dance just as I have never been in the game of anything I have done. I did it and do it out of the joy and love I get from doing it and doing it as if my life needs it as I need breath. Oddly enough I have also realized how much I don’t need it as I have also found a way to breathe with the soul that has been with me all along in the times I have been to the side living in my dreams.

I guess after all of this living in the shadow of fear, isolation and not belonging; I realize I belong to myself and to the dreams I have been able to manifest simply by giving into the center of myself in everything I did. I have been living in the center of becoming and in doing so, I have always belonged. I recognize that in accepting I belong, I have always been able to see the unseen, feel the unfelt and dream the impossible. And in the end, I accept all that I am and honor that at the center of it all, we all belong if we accept the center of ourselves.

 

The Power of Quiet Giving

Tags

allowing, becoming, Believing, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, Giving, heart, joy, light, love, Philanthropy, Soul to Soul, spirit, universal heart

There is an immense power generated when we give to others from the depths of our hearts. This immensity is purely compounded and utterly expanded because of the silence attached to the gift. When we give without recognition we expose the heart so as to express the vulnerable exchange of love. This exchange, done without a desire to be known, is what has been known as unconditional.

Yet, our current culture seems to need to be recognized for all sorts of gifts. The ego needs to be larger than the actual gift or benefit of the gift. A individuals or groups misuse this support to call attention to themselves rather than to humbly and whole heartedly lift up the person or group that needs it most. Ironic that the need is outweighed by selfishness. Is it really a gift or is it just another business exchange? And if so, should it not be classified as such?

Are we truly a society of philanthropic people when we have to advertise our philanthropy? Might we just give because we believe and because we love? Might we give regardless of outcomes and data? When does the gift regain itself as a selfless act and be a gift of the heart again? When will we experience gifts for one another that are shared with love and light?

Is it possible to move forward and unwind the complexities that we have woven; the knots we have tangled and strangled ourselves with? Can we loosen the hold of our own hearts simply to help those that need us the most?

I have recently made a choice to do more giving and giving with love regardless of the act oe amount. I want to live in a land of give. I want to be a part of the immense power of quietly sharing the commodity of love.

In Memory

Tags

becoming, Believing, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, love, Love Between Men, Soul to Soul, spirit, universal heart

I can’t remember that time when the purity of my heart wished the stars and the moon for love. I can’t see that moment in my life any longer as the weight of living seemingly has overshadowed and perhaps swallowed my passions for being unabashedly and unafraid of falling into the arms of love while pressing into the sensuous lips of the divine.

 

Removed of all sensations. Trapped behind a past that has choked the voice of a beloved. Hooded by the fear of loss. Hallow is this shell if not for the blood of movement and laughter that still, somehow, course these veins. Fed by the notion that love is enough and yet starved by the fact that it just isn’t so.

 

I remove the veil to stand naked in the truth of a body. Stepping into this moment with nothing but this emptiness. For it is to accept this vacancy of life with the humility that there is nothing left to lose. And where there is nothing, there lies the possibility of everything. Within this duality is the space, the moment of release; no longer holding to that which cannot be held.

Wideview Work

Tags

becoming, Believing, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, joy, Soul to Soul, universal consciousness, universal heart

Light on spiders web louder than the string of a violin

Birds swell softer than foot to grass

Blue meets forever, if in fact there is such thing as blue

 

Lifting Lines/Morphing Visions: P2-9

Tags

awareness of light, becoming, Conscious Living, light, long days, Soul to Soul, spirit, stars, well being

The Turning of Days

A bright morning

Early

Skies of sunshine

The world being fine

The clouds and sun absolute

A bright afternoon

Open

Skies of blue

The world being fine

The air and light absolute

A bright evening

Fulfilled

Skies of twinkling light

The world being fine

The stars and moon absolute

Lifting Lines/Morphing Visions P2-7

Tags

becoming, Conscious Living, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, heart, journey, male love, Soul to Soul

Standing in a stream

Knee deep

The morning too late to do anything

The mind unable to move

Eyes

Mouth

Hands

So still and quiet

Already the sun warms through the woods

I had been asleep

I should have listened to the night

Lifting Lines/Morphing Visions P2-6

Tags

allowing, becoming, Believing, Conscious Living, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, heart, love, Soul to Soul, spirit, universal heart, well being

Advice given

Resolve serious

Sensible pleasure

Mind prepared

Hope convinced

Immediate influence

Nothing Wanting

Delightful advances

Conduct guarded

Desire decided

Conscious deserving

Behaviour unpretending

Bestowing affection

Lifting Lines/Morphing Visions: P2-3

Tags

allowing, becoming, Courageous Vulnerability, journey, Soul to Soul, universal heart

The Confession of Resentment

Unceasing recurrence of doubts on her mind; her journey much faster than she thought.

Before her, her progress; no eagerness for conclusion or return.

The confession of useless resentment; she could do justice for th expression of her heart.

The Space to Grieve

Tags

allowing, becoming, Conscious Living, faith, Greif, Heartache, Loss, Soul to Soul, time, time and space, universal heart

I sit here in the center of the Middle East waiting for my next jump to complete my journey to Perth, Australia. It has taken me two flights and 15 hours of flight time to get here. Fifteen hours to arrive in a place so as to have a moment to digest, absorb and express the emotional roller coaster the past several days have been. I have to wonder why it is it takes traveling half way around the world to find the space to share and release? It is certainly a sign that perhaps I need to slow down and open space in my life so as to be able to deal more readily with the life I am living rather than simply taking care of business. This for another sharing, for now, I need to share something else.

In my whirl wind to successfully finish the fall semester at VCU, remount Tensegerity for IABD, collaborate on the Winery Psalms Project and get ready for this trip, I was shocked to hear the news about the passing of a dear friend. To say I was not already emotionally exhausted trying to do my very best in my responsibilities to my work, students and looming deadlines, the news of Billy’s death stopped my breath. An ex, a friend, a creative spirit and a loving human being crossed the barrier of light a little too soon. Selfishly speaking, a little too soon for me.

One of the things that was difficult in seeing his passing through Facebook was that it was through Facebook that I actually found out. A friend had been suffering and I had not known about it. Shame on me for not being present enough to pay attention to the difficulties he was going through the week prior. This life I am living seems to hold more importance than the love that should be being shared between people and time spent on the relationships with those people.

None the less, my heart tightened and my breath was stunned.

I ended up finding out the reason for his passing and my heart goes out to his family and all of those that love him. Know I am sending love and healing light for your hearts as to shine on you to assist in the navigating the grief that is to come. Shine the light and you will see your way through it.

Ironically, I had no time to process this new found information as I had to get lead a conference call for the study abroad program in Paris happening in the spring. Dogs had to be picked up and I had to keep moving. But I couldn’t. I closed the door to my office and could not find the strength to lock the door and lift my head from the eight of the tears. And yet, I had to pull it together. Things had to get done.

I picked my dogs up from the vet making sure they had all their medications and needs met before all this travel. They could not stay off of me as all they wanted to do was lick the tears from my face and let me know that they loved me and were there for me. Ironically, we spent more time together due to 2 separate car accidents that added an hour to my commute. Thank goodness for the kindness and light of a dear colleague who cradled my needs and stepped up to gather the students and pull off the scheduled meeting for the students. Love and light reveal themselves. They always do.

I finally made it to that meeting. Numb and hallow. Heavy with the weight of loss and the suffocation of grief. And yet, still not able to begin due to feeling as if I must keep moving. Why is it we are not able to be compassionate with ourselves so as to allow ourselves to grieve and feel our hearts break? Why do we as a culture insist that we be strong? We carry to much in our silence and our veneer of strength.

I was paper thin as I watched my students rehearsals in preparation for their finals. The only thing holding me together was the sheer pride of their work and knowing how proud I was of them for being the beautiful artists they are expressing and blossoming into glorious human beings. There is much to be said for honoring the choice to become who you are and to allow yourself the struggle so as to free your heart.

And still, I had not let go. Meetings with all my students holding their fragility of being in the words that should guide and inspire them. Knowing this is more important than the tears hiding behind the lids of my eyes. Making a choice to live in love perhaps is the only thing that should hold one up from processing. Perhaps limiting the hurt that others have to feel is far easier in the long run.

So here I sit. I am in a small quiet space a world away with the time to finally sit and let me heart open. Tears streaming down my face as I finally express my sadness, hurt and regret. My heart aches at the loss of this beautiful young man. His life was full of heart ache and sadness in which he had a difficult time managing and dealing with. My heart breaks knowing his heart ached so much. Would it not be better for those we love to lend our hearts to them more helping them to find a path or a way to their happiness. Not the happiness we see for them, but the happiness that comes from the joy of their choosing.

Not knowing that you are here walking this time and space is hard for me. Yet, I know the bridge you have crossed now finds you in the brightest of light and most loving and freeing sense of joy. My tears are out of missing you and your beautiful spirit and energy knowing that we will not have the opportunity to laugh together once more.

So as I travel around the world this time, I will travel with the memory of you and of our laughter. I will keep you in my heart with the knowledge and warmth of all the joy we shared and all the stories that were made. Now it is the time to tell those stories.

And for all of us, now is the time to make stories. Live them. Embrace all of it. Every single joy, sorrow, difficulty and ecstasy. Do it. Feel it. Live it. Express it. Let nothing hold you back from standing in the center of your bliss. Let no moment go un-lived. Let no expression of love go un-said. Don’t wait. It is far easier to carry the knowledge of having lived than to carry the burden or regret and grief. Grieve we must, but it is far easier through the transparency of love.

Lifting Lines/Morphing Visions: Autumn 5

Tags

acceptance, allowing, art, artist, Ballet, becoming, choreographer, choreography, contemporary dance, Courageous Vulnerability, Creative Flow, creative process, Creativity, Dance, modern dance, natural, natural beauty, nature, organic, process, wabi sabi

Of all the work I have created, nothing can compare to the majesty of natures creations. What comes from the flow of energetic creative cultivation can not come close to the magnificence of the natural and loving world. There is a timeless and universal beauty that is without comparison to what can be made of the human body.

Let us also not get caught in the confines of our ego as we participate in the creative process. Let us share in the joy of this kind of blissful flow without finding ourselves attaching our ego to the birth of that which we shape. We should not hold this ephemeral beauty hostage. Work needs to be set free just like the human spirit.

In the moment of unconditional sharing, this is the time when our work and its unique vibration of being is the closest it can get to the beauty within nature. This is the moment when the works speaks directly the the human heart which is the direct line to the nature of humanity and its link to the organic compounds of the universe itself.