A Return to the Realignment of the Creative Process

Tags

Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, Creativity, Dance, dance maker, dance makers, dance making, dancers, LGBTQIA+, queer, queer champion, queer creativity, Queer spirit, Soul to Soul, spirit

The journey of a creative spirit is unique to each individual who embraces their true nature and walks the path that is congruent with their hearts and their essence. Every person is creative and is a part of the overall creative energy that is life itself. To the degree we embrace the creative elements of our being is up to us and the choices we make to live our lives in line with our authentic selves. 

I knew from a young age I was creative but had no idea what that meant or that one could even live a life as a creative being. Growing up in a traditional and conservative home where creativity was not a part of our everyday lives, one never realizes that living in that way that is congruent is even possible. It is much like growing up in a home that is heteronormative and not seeing that there are people out there that think and feel the way you do. When the world is created for a particular group of people or an idealized ideology that excludes anything “different”, one never realizes that who they really are can be a beautiful way of being; truly being oneself. 

I went through a childhood of posing. I played all kinds of sports from baseball to basketball from football to wrestling and even gymnastics. I was not very good at any of them although I did have the most success in wrestling and gymnastics. The clear thing looking back on all of that was the throughline of movement. I was a mover and excellent when I was physically in my body and in a constant state of flow regardless of the quality or energy of that movement. 

I had always secretly wanted to sing and act while I was doing all of this posing. When I finally got to high school I met others who wanted similar things and realized there is a whole world out there who wanted similar things as me. I began exploring the idea of acting when taking theatre classes and getting involved in plays and eventually musicals. This was a shift towards that alignment with creativity and felt incredibly freeing. Was it possible to do something you really loved and it all be ok? 

And so began the journey of uncovering the creative spirit. I had the opportunity to be able to be in many different shows throughout the remainder of my high school experience and beyond. I followed the path of voice lessons, auditions and professional engagements. The career began to grow and the circles of opportunity kept expanding. Even so, there always seemed to be something missing that was not quite fulfilled. Until I realized how much dance was necessary for the next level of success. 

Once I had this realization I found myself drawn into the creative process of physical and energetic transformation. I was exposed to modern dance for the first time and felt like I was finally “home”. I was able to be in body and in spirit while I was exploring the fullness of my creative voice and simultaneously the fullness of my spirit. What was lacking in my spiritual practice was tied directly to my body moving in ways that revealed so much more about myself than I could have ever imagined. 

The introduction of Tai Chi as a physical manifestation of Taoism was a significant connection for me. So as I grew deeper within my dance training I also grew deeper in my spiritual practice. The evolution of me as a physical being was in line with my evolution as a spiritual being. I finally had a vehicle as a way to more fully understand my true creative nature and they wonderfully went hand and hand. 

And so the creative journey has always been the harmony of movement and spirit. All of my creative work is always deeply rooted in eastern esoteric traditions translated through contemporary creative explorations. Energy has alway been a part of my philosophy and is how I see choreography. For me, choreography is the art of shaping energy in space creating three dimensional visceral worlds as a way of exploring concepts and ideas of the heart. 

It is another reason that I rarely focus my work on gender or sexuality despite being a queer memeber of the LGBTQIA+ community. In my work I focus on the beings in the work and not so much those folks trying to portray something or someone. We work through the energy of the individuals within the landscape of the world and build from there. It has always been about being a dancer’s choreographer and helping the dancer feel comfortable in their own skin within the worlds they inhabit. 

I see the spectrum of yin and yang in all of my work. Not the western understanding of opposites or binary limitations, but rather the true nature of both yin and yang as a part of one another and that are within one another to even exist. It is always a reminder that we are all genders and all energies and elements. We are constantly finding our own harmony that is congruent with who we are and the energies of our body and our spirit. It is from this place, being in our own alignment, that we find the true nature of our voice and the ability to express its creative nature to its fullest. 

So even if I am not expressing my viewpoint as a queer body in motion, not being the perceived activist, I am artfully sharing a quiet viewpoint of a spectrum of love through a non-traditional approach to movement and creative expression.  Creativity is in and of itself activism at it’s best. The art of making and becoming, creating and expressing despite living in a world obsessed with money, success and fame is a revolutionary way of existing. 

Although I came out as gay when I was beginning my creative process, I feel as if I have not always come out or been honost with my creative career often hiding the ritualistic nature of my work or even the deep spiritual connection within my work. Yes, it has always been there, but I have not really allowed folks to fully see the depth of that information and how it is so significant in all of my teaching as well. Even in the EBAS work I have hidden a lot of the information away out of the fear of making folks uncomfortable with something foreign or unknown to them. And now it is time to let go of that and tell the story. 

It is time to tell the story of how I have come to this place in my life through a creative process alongside a spiritual journey. It is time to bring all three aspects of my being into harmony, not feeling the need to isolate the parts of myself for others’ comfortability. It is time for my comfortability and my peace finally after all of these years. Time to release the fullness of the creative spirit and embrace the multidimensional creative, energetic and sexual being that I am. Time to share that process and time to let go of the shame and fear of rejection or acceptance. I have fully accepted myself and now it is time to just be that in every way I am capable. After all, doing that is allowing myself to be present and visible for those that were never able to see it in their worlds before. It’s a way of being that champion so someone else can be the champion for themselves. 

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 28

Tags

Ballet, Believing, choreography, Conscious Living, courage, Dance, Dance Appreciation, Dance Forms, dance makers, dance making, dancers, destiny, faith, improvisation, manifest, modern dance

I was reminded of a memory from four years ago when I was in Arezzo, Italy teaching a EBAS Level I teachers certification workshop. I used to love going there on a regular basis to teach dance and to spend about 6-8 weeks there at a time. It was such a gift to settle into such a lovely place surrounded by folks who wanted to be submerged in the arts and in Italian culture. 

I consider myself fortunate to have had the opportunity to be a part of the Academia del Arte’s summer arts program for about 6 years and then to continue a collaborative relationship with their program by returning to teach certification courses off and on for the next four years. It was such a delight and certainly a creative luxury. 

Now that we are on this side of the pandemic and there are openings happening, it’s time to open the heart for the next European opportunity. I am not quite sure where that will be or even how it will come about, but I am putting it out there that I am ready to collaborate in ways that combine dance and being in beautiful places with engaged and passionate people. 

And now it is out there. Time to give space to it so it travels to where it needs to land. It has worked many times before and with an open heart, it will connect again. 

Oddly this is how all of my study abroad relationships began. Having conversations with the universe opened conversations with people. First was the lighting and dance program in Costa Rica that created so many wonderful opportunities and was the seed for creating my project based company, Amaranth. The unfolding and work that evolved from that has been mind blowing. 

The second opportunity was the Arezzo one where I was searching for places to host a new study abroad program in Rome. I sent an email to request information about spaces and would you know I ended up on the summer arts faculty at the Academia. As I mentioned before that unfolded into a ten year relationship that was simply magical. 

Most recently, after the shift and changes of Italy I was sitting at a recruitment table for VCU when I was approached by Michael Foley to see if I would be interested in working with him and USF to build the semester study abroad program. He was taking his brilliant summer program and blowing it up to create the larger semester program. It was brilliant and began a lovely collaborative relationship that is still unfolding. I am so grateful to him and all of our students who get to have this incredible experience. 

Another delightful experience has been a six year relationship with Perth, Australia where I have had the incredible opportunity to build a relationship with that community in ways I never imagined possible. Teaching Master Class workshops, EBAS teachers certifications and setting work on three colleges and companies has been delightful. It will be nice to return in 2022 for certifications and hopefully a creative opportunity as well. It would be glorious to open a relationship with folks in Sydney to share the work there as well. 

And so now, I open my heart to the next opportunity to share EBAS, Fundamental Conscious Movement and many creative projects wherever there is the space and willingness. I release this into the universe to connect and engage folks that are hungry to connect through these unique ways of holistically training the body and creatively engaging one’s voice. It will be a delight to see where these energies take me. 

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 5

Tags

body knowledge, choreography, creative energy, Dance, Dance Forms, dance makers, dance making, dancers, dancing, energetic pathways, Energy, teaching dance

6/5/21

I have fallen in love with dance so many times during my adventure with it. In and out of love with the field and all of it’s dysfunction and challenges. What I have come to realize is that I have not really been in love with dance but rather a body in motion and the ability to be consciously present in the training, reshaping and organizing of a falling body through space. 

For so long I have tried to simply do this very thing and have been challenged to justify it as research, choreography, engagement, activism and outreach when all that was important for me was to simply exist in the joy of being present in this body.

I realize existing in academia all this time I have lost the soul and joy of movement by always having to assess, quantify and promote my brand. It’s no wonder the joy of movement and being in love with it has long been gone. What an exhausting relationship and unhealthy coupling it is. Certainly not a positive one to have had if dance was a person.

So in my reflections during these turbulent times I am finding out that I am remembering when it is I have been in love with my body in motion and the carving and shaping of my energies in space. I am remembering that at every turn all that mattered was the movement. I remember there is nothing else but movement.

What is delightful about this is I can return to the space of being where I am free to present and deeply committed to the conscious movement mechanics and expression of a soul inhabiting a body in motion defying space and time. 

I can be in this place again if I am capable of surrendering the justification for being driven by the ego and of the expectations of a field requiring long held hierarchies. Is it possible to exist within structures that strangle and suffocate voices that do not adhere to the same exclusive value systems laid out by a field and more specifically the archaic funding mechanism which holds so many marginalized voices hostage?

I have always struggled with this but now feel it is truly time to let it all go and fall back to being in love with falling; artfully and gracefully falling through time and space without a care for the construct which binds bodies from being all that they are and can be. 

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 3

Tags

choreography, creative energy, Creative Flow, creative process, Creativity, Dance, dance makers, dance making, dancers, dancing, energetic pathways, Energy, energy flow, joy, Movement, venation

6/3/21

After the last two days of sharing and taking you back to the intersection of creativity and spirituality I thought it might be fun to take a walk down memory lane and share a little about the first seeds of the abundant work that followed from my first professional work called Venation. 

I was so inspired by the Tao Te Ching, Qigong and energy work in general that I wanted to research energy more and pull together the eastern and western essence in this process. So off I went to look to science, specifically contemporary physics, to see what I could see. And there went the box to the lid that has still yet to be closed. 

I researched and researched from both a traditional and contemporary perspective using imagery and concepts from both to create a men’s quartet that would gain a lot of traction by premiering at a shared concert with some of my colleagues in the Chicago modern scene and danced by myself, Raven, Krenly and Troy. It was a powerhouse premier that ended up being performed in several venues and festivals throughout the next few years. 

It was my first taste of doing that kind of in depth research and work which carried me even further down the rabbit hole of inspiration. Oddly I continue the investigation as a way of explaining my belief that “choreography is the art of shaping energy in space”. This very simple belief system for myself was the best way I could explain how I made dances or more honestly how I see dances being manifested in space by how my eyes see time falling bodies organized in an artful and poetic way. 

I worked this way for several years before deciding to run off to graduate school where I would have to really justify my process, clarify the research and be able to qualitatively and quantitatively convince my thesis panel of my beliefs. I remember Donald McKayle expressing what a unique way of looking at dance making and the way I see energy as a way of making sense and the matter of dances. 

This would continue in this fashion until the premier of Amaranth Contemporary Dance in 2006 for a concert entitled Experiment in White. This title was a nod to the company I had in Chicago, Cerulean Dance Theater, and our major concert Experiment in Blue. It is very clear my need to connect the dots, pay homage and to remember where all of the work comes from. The heart has been the energy throughout this process and will always be the fire energy necessary for the art of making dances. That and the art of using conscious movement to heal ourselves physically, energetically and spiritually. Art is really from the heART. 

The photo is from a shoot to promote Venation. Photo Credit: William Frederking

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 2

Tags

choreography, Dance, dance makers, dance making, heart, heart path, modern dance, spiritual, spirituality

There is a sweetness of awareness that has been happening over the past few months that have really been such a beautiful experience. As I dive deeper into the Five Element Theories of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), I am finding so many wonderful connections with all of the work I have been doing for the past thirty years creatively as well as spiritually. It’s nice to feel a sense of return in addition to the confirmation of what I have known and felt all along.

Coincidently my spiritual practice was revealed through my decision to dance. Back when I first started I was introduced to various movement practices through a seminar class that was required for our curriculum. It was through this coursework that Tai Chi and Qi Gong was introduced to my life.

Since then my creative and spiritual journey have been interwoven through the works I made and the philosophies that were the inspiration for that work. It seems there has always been a parallel of physicality and well-being throughout my early training practices.

dues to starting dance at a very late age all of this work and playing catch-up influenced the way I grew and developed my thinking and in many ways how I perceived dance and technique. I was never trained through the aesthetics of various forms but rather encouraged to explore, discover and play with how my body felt in motion. I felt ecstasy in movement and fell deeply in love with my soulful connection to my body.

Clearly the path I chose had a big influence on the rest of my life. I made choices to stay in motion even if there were “objects” interacting at times to thwart my momentum. The laws of motion somehow kept me moving and moving through me to allow for opportunities to keep diving deeper. It is this wonderful appreciation of fate that I owe a deep gratitude to for dance giving me the life it has. And what a life it has been!!

Small Moments/Small Breaths

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art, changes, Dance, Dance Appreciation, Dance Forms, dance makers, dance making, dancer makers, dancers, dancing, Existence, faith, humanity, learning, lessons learned, me, observations, sharing, space, thoughts, truth

Small Moments/Small Breaths

Strangled by the separation of bodies in motion in shared spaces and the need to push forward in “uncertain” times I have finally come to a point where I no longer feel confident and secure in pushing forward. Sure, I have had to find the strength and courage to be there for the students and to be able to find the ability to keep on keeping on, but honestly, it has been a lot to carry and at times hard to breathe.

Once classes had ended I found myself a drift in these new spaces and new ways of figuring out what to do. Like so many, I struggled with not being able to be in the same space with all of these incredible bodies searching, striving and living the beauty of a body in motion artfully shaping space with incredible precision and grace. The lack of being present in the moment of transformation hurts the kinetic spirits of a community of movement. And no matter how much I am supposed to be brave, confident and courageous, alas I don’t think I am succeeding.

In  many ways this is good to be able to recalibrate and ask so many necessary questions. I believe this as well as believe that in the end this will be a moment of courageous change and a necessary shift for the field and for how dance lives in academia. Truth be told I have never seen myself as a “company” kind of artist nor one that is constantly academically justifying outcomes in an art form that, for me, is all about the process of discovery.

Within the context of this time, how do we reframe the ways in which we see ourselves within the field, within the our process and within our dreams? When being a body in artful motion has been in many ways irreversibly changed, how does one continue to find the surface of the waters of darkness to just catch a little breath to fill the lungs of hope?

Of course I am moving! I still continue to share EBAS classes with folks from all over finding new discoveries and new ways of being in communion. Sure I take long walks with Beathan and find myself in motion on so many levels. Yet, my heart is broken by the inability to be in communities of movement artists to grapple with new concepts and ideas together while watching and encouraging play and exploration.

As many know I am very much an introvert but being in a classroom either leading or collaborating is the way in which I am able to find connection, compassion and a fulfilled heart. I must say being alone isn’t lonely when the work you do on a daily basis is in community and in the love and passion for your work.

One of the things I love most about teaching is the extremely intimate hands on approach that I engage in with my students. I have healing hands and consider myself more a healer than a teacher, choreographer or artist. Certainly more so than an academic. Be that as it may, when the ability to physically connect and create a space of sensorial exploration and transformation is removed from your daily experience, it is crushing and suffocating to say the least.

So now that having to put on my big boy pants and carry on has come to a close, I must admit I am at a loss now that even the smallest amount of connection to movement and students has dried up. Now it is a matter of asking questions and spending a great deal of time accessing new ways of moving and perhaps new ways of making. Yet, I am not interested in the many forms that people are suggesting and pretending that it is just the way we have to carry on. I certainly understand that we need to move forward and figure it out, but still my heart breaks at the love lost in the ways that have meant so much to me.

Truth be told I am not a dance for camera person. It is a great field and there is so much great work happening, but it is simply just not something for me. Many of the directions we are being asked to explore are not for me nor am I particularly interested in being a part of. There are so many wonderful artists already doing this great work and exploring those avenues. I am just not one of them. No, I am one of those artists that lives and breathes the body and craves the discoveries and all the wisdom that a body in motion shares in that process. Is it so wrong to JUST want to be that? Is it a crime to not want to pretend that I am desperately afraid of losing the kind of physical corporeal wisdom that I value above all else?

So then why is it I feel I am not connecting to all of these new ways and that I am just not capable of pretending to be “going with the flow”? While I mourn the loss of contact and the physicality and exuberance of training and performing, do I still have to pretend that all of this doesn’t matter? Is pretending that the heart is broken and still carrying on a healthy thing to do or can we breathe and ask ourselves the kinds of questions we need to ask in a more calm, rational and open space?

This is the thing about calamity, we turn into very reactive individuals trying to solve problems that we have no answers for but feel we need to do it in the first place simply because we are falling prey to the corporatization of academia, the field and the prioritization of outcome or product driven models of success. Wouldn’t it be the time to breathe and ask ourselves some deep seated questions about how to move forward while truly addressing issues in the field that have continued to be overlooked? Would it be nice to stop the train and have conversations that are necessary in having to actually work in community rather than work as individuals in a community cloaked in the very models of suppression that exist?

I would most certainly welcome the space and time to share and grapple with how we are all feeling and move from a place of empathetic understanding as the beginnings of discovering the kind of field that is necessary at this time and the kind of field dance has the potential to be. If we find ourselves coupling together in the energy of survival, how are we asking ourselves clear questions through the lens of creative change instead?

In my meditations I keep on hearing the body whisper “small movements. small breaths”. It is a recurring phrase that I hear but am not quite sure how to translate. The one thing I do know is it is suggesting small and conscious steps through conscious movement with conscious breath. I also think it is a response to the broken heart missing movement, connection and the joy of that collaboration. Perhaps slowing down into the present moment of every action with the awareness of that moment is the best way for me at this time to find the courage and confidence to breathe deeply in movement again.

Perhaps this is all I have to hold on at this moment as I figure out where I wish to go next. Perhaps this is the way of asking myself the questions of my intentions within the field and the kind of artist I wish to be moving forward. Perhaps this is the moment to question whether the kind of artist I am is viable at this moment or will the way I have loved working ever have value in the same way. Perhaps small movement and small breaths will be the way in which I am able to answer these questions finding a path the brings peace back to my heart.

Reflections on a Rehearsal

Tags

artists, Ballet, choreographer, choreography, Conscious Living, contemporary dance, creative process, dance makers, dance making, enchantment, friends, Grateful, heart path, Magic, Modern, process, Soul to Soul, thankful

There are times when moments are taking place and you realize time is slowing down a bit in order for you to see very clearly that all is well and right in your world. Yesterday during my day of class was very much like this. There was so much time to work so deeply that I was able to step back in my spirit and realize how glorious this all is.

I am grateful to be able to live such a luxurious life in the arts. It is not everyday that one gets to immerse themselves fully in all they love being surrounded by people who give themselves and their hearts so fully to the things they love also. It is an honor to be able to be allowed to make-work and walk the path of magic as dances reveal themselves for the first time or are reborn to speak again.

When I am in the studio, I am in church. I am in a sacred place of worship with the divine dreaming of all that a body can do, become and realize in choreography.  This is such an enchanted space, a mystical foray into the heart and mind of the creative energetic river. How grateful I am to be able to be a dream keeper of dance in this way. I am honored to be one of many who dive deeply into the ocean, swimming with the currents and riding the tides of this creative universe.

I also find myself fortunate enough to be on my heart path with some very remarkably talented and spirited people. We all walk our own ways merging with one another in the work while supporting one another’s individual voices and gifts. It is not often that one gets to be fulfilled by the magic their friends bring to the process, in both physicality and the richness of their hearts.

I was so moved in rehearsal yesterday by the enchanted ways in which the work seemed to pour out of the deep muscle memory of the dancers. It was as if the work lingered in the well of their musculature as they conjured up the kinetic imagery inside of themselves that collectively is being reborn as “Creek Walkers under a Waning Moon”.

I look forward to when the dance emerges once again to inhabit the space energetically kept by the dancers and absorbed into the hearts and mind of the audience. This makes me wonder if dance is as ephemeral as we all think it is. I think the dances I help to bring to life have physicality to them kept alive in the bodies of dancers and the souls of the people who have let the work be absorbed into the fibers of their beings.

This is my goal is as a dance maker; to make the kind of work that resonates as a meaningful experience opening a doorway to consciousness that bridges the spirit to walk more deeply into the center of our beings. It is important to actualize work that is humanity in motion and dance alchemy speaking to our enchanted hearts.