Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 5

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body knowledge, choreography, creative energy, Dance, Dance Forms, dance makers, dance making, dancers, dancing, energetic pathways, Energy, teaching dance

6/5/21

I have fallen in love with dance so many times during my adventure with it. In and out of love with the field and all of it’s dysfunction and challenges. What I have come to realize is that I have not really been in love with dance but rather a body in motion and the ability to be consciously present in the training, reshaping and organizing of a falling body through space. 

For so long I have tried to simply do this very thing and have been challenged to justify it as research, choreography, engagement, activism and outreach when all that was important for me was to simply exist in the joy of being present in this body.

I realize existing in academia all this time I have lost the soul and joy of movement by always having to assess, quantify and promote my brand. It’s no wonder the joy of movement and being in love with it has long been gone. What an exhausting relationship and unhealthy coupling it is. Certainly not a positive one to have had if dance was a person.

So in my reflections during these turbulent times I am finding out that I am remembering when it is I have been in love with my body in motion and the carving and shaping of my energies in space. I am remembering that at every turn all that mattered was the movement. I remember there is nothing else but movement.

What is delightful about this is I can return to the space of being where I am free to present and deeply committed to the conscious movement mechanics and expression of a soul inhabiting a body in motion defying space and time. 

I can be in this place again if I am capable of surrendering the justification for being driven by the ego and of the expectations of a field requiring long held hierarchies. Is it possible to exist within structures that strangle and suffocate voices that do not adhere to the same exclusive value systems laid out by a field and more specifically the archaic funding mechanism which holds so many marginalized voices hostage?

I have always struggled with this but now feel it is truly time to let it all go and fall back to being in love with falling; artfully and gracefully falling through time and space without a care for the construct which binds bodies from being all that they are and can be. 

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 3

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choreography, creative energy, Creative Flow, creative process, Creativity, Dance, dance makers, dance making, dancers, dancing, energetic pathways, Energy, energy flow, joy, Movement, venation

6/3/21

After the last two days of sharing and taking you back to the intersection of creativity and spirituality I thought it might be fun to take a walk down memory lane and share a little about the first seeds of the abundant work that followed from my first professional work called Venation. 

I was so inspired by the Tao Te Ching, Qigong and energy work in general that I wanted to research energy more and pull together the eastern and western essence in this process. So off I went to look to science, specifically contemporary physics, to see what I could see. And there went the box to the lid that has still yet to be closed. 

I researched and researched from both a traditional and contemporary perspective using imagery and concepts from both to create a men’s quartet that would gain a lot of traction by premiering at a shared concert with some of my colleagues in the Chicago modern scene and danced by myself, Raven, Krenly and Troy. It was a powerhouse premier that ended up being performed in several venues and festivals throughout the next few years. 

It was my first taste of doing that kind of in depth research and work which carried me even further down the rabbit hole of inspiration. Oddly I continue the investigation as a way of explaining my belief that “choreography is the art of shaping energy in space”. This very simple belief system for myself was the best way I could explain how I made dances or more honestly how I see dances being manifested in space by how my eyes see time falling bodies organized in an artful and poetic way. 

I worked this way for several years before deciding to run off to graduate school where I would have to really justify my process, clarify the research and be able to qualitatively and quantitatively convince my thesis panel of my beliefs. I remember Donald McKayle expressing what a unique way of looking at dance making and the way I see energy as a way of making sense and the matter of dances. 

This would continue in this fashion until the premier of Amaranth Contemporary Dance in 2006 for a concert entitled Experiment in White. This title was a nod to the company I had in Chicago, Cerulean Dance Theater, and our major concert Experiment in Blue. It is very clear my need to connect the dots, pay homage and to remember where all of the work comes from. The heart has been the energy throughout this process and will always be the fire energy necessary for the art of making dances. That and the art of using conscious movement to heal ourselves physically, energetically and spiritually. Art is really from the heART. 

The photo is from a shoot to promote Venation. Photo Credit: William Frederking

Small Moments/Small Breaths

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art, changes, Dance, Dance Appreciation, Dance Forms, dance makers, dance making, dancer makers, dancers, dancing, Existence, faith, humanity, learning, lessons learned, me, observations, sharing, space, thoughts, truth

Small Moments/Small Breaths

Strangled by the separation of bodies in motion in shared spaces and the need to push forward in “uncertain” times I have finally come to a point where I no longer feel confident and secure in pushing forward. Sure, I have had to find the strength and courage to be there for the students and to be able to find the ability to keep on keeping on, but honestly, it has been a lot to carry and at times hard to breathe.

Once classes had ended I found myself a drift in these new spaces and new ways of figuring out what to do. Like so many, I struggled with not being able to be in the same space with all of these incredible bodies searching, striving and living the beauty of a body in motion artfully shaping space with incredible precision and grace. The lack of being present in the moment of transformation hurts the kinetic spirits of a community of movement. And no matter how much I am supposed to be brave, confident and courageous, alas I don’t think I am succeeding.

In  many ways this is good to be able to recalibrate and ask so many necessary questions. I believe this as well as believe that in the end this will be a moment of courageous change and a necessary shift for the field and for how dance lives in academia. Truth be told I have never seen myself as a “company” kind of artist nor one that is constantly academically justifying outcomes in an art form that, for me, is all about the process of discovery.

Within the context of this time, how do we reframe the ways in which we see ourselves within the field, within the our process and within our dreams? When being a body in artful motion has been in many ways irreversibly changed, how does one continue to find the surface of the waters of darkness to just catch a little breath to fill the lungs of hope?

Of course I am moving! I still continue to share EBAS classes with folks from all over finding new discoveries and new ways of being in communion. Sure I take long walks with Beathan and find myself in motion on so many levels. Yet, my heart is broken by the inability to be in communities of movement artists to grapple with new concepts and ideas together while watching and encouraging play and exploration.

As many know I am very much an introvert but being in a classroom either leading or collaborating is the way in which I am able to find connection, compassion and a fulfilled heart. I must say being alone isn’t lonely when the work you do on a daily basis is in community and in the love and passion for your work.

One of the things I love most about teaching is the extremely intimate hands on approach that I engage in with my students. I have healing hands and consider myself more a healer than a teacher, choreographer or artist. Certainly more so than an academic. Be that as it may, when the ability to physically connect and create a space of sensorial exploration and transformation is removed from your daily experience, it is crushing and suffocating to say the least.

So now that having to put on my big boy pants and carry on has come to a close, I must admit I am at a loss now that even the smallest amount of connection to movement and students has dried up. Now it is a matter of asking questions and spending a great deal of time accessing new ways of moving and perhaps new ways of making. Yet, I am not interested in the many forms that people are suggesting and pretending that it is just the way we have to carry on. I certainly understand that we need to move forward and figure it out, but still my heart breaks at the love lost in the ways that have meant so much to me.

Truth be told I am not a dance for camera person. It is a great field and there is so much great work happening, but it is simply just not something for me. Many of the directions we are being asked to explore are not for me nor am I particularly interested in being a part of. There are so many wonderful artists already doing this great work and exploring those avenues. I am just not one of them. No, I am one of those artists that lives and breathes the body and craves the discoveries and all the wisdom that a body in motion shares in that process. Is it so wrong to JUST want to be that? Is it a crime to not want to pretend that I am desperately afraid of losing the kind of physical corporeal wisdom that I value above all else?

So then why is it I feel I am not connecting to all of these new ways and that I am just not capable of pretending to be “going with the flow”? While I mourn the loss of contact and the physicality and exuberance of training and performing, do I still have to pretend that all of this doesn’t matter? Is pretending that the heart is broken and still carrying on a healthy thing to do or can we breathe and ask ourselves the kinds of questions we need to ask in a more calm, rational and open space?

This is the thing about calamity, we turn into very reactive individuals trying to solve problems that we have no answers for but feel we need to do it in the first place simply because we are falling prey to the corporatization of academia, the field and the prioritization of outcome or product driven models of success. Wouldn’t it be the time to breathe and ask ourselves some deep seated questions about how to move forward while truly addressing issues in the field that have continued to be overlooked? Would it be nice to stop the train and have conversations that are necessary in having to actually work in community rather than work as individuals in a community cloaked in the very models of suppression that exist?

I would most certainly welcome the space and time to share and grapple with how we are all feeling and move from a place of empathetic understanding as the beginnings of discovering the kind of field that is necessary at this time and the kind of field dance has the potential to be. If we find ourselves coupling together in the energy of survival, how are we asking ourselves clear questions through the lens of creative change instead?

In my meditations I keep on hearing the body whisper “small movements. small breaths”. It is a recurring phrase that I hear but am not quite sure how to translate. The one thing I do know is it is suggesting small and conscious steps through conscious movement with conscious breath. I also think it is a response to the broken heart missing movement, connection and the joy of that collaboration. Perhaps slowing down into the present moment of every action with the awareness of that moment is the best way for me at this time to find the courage and confidence to breathe deeply in movement again.

Perhaps this is all I have to hold on at this moment as I figure out where I wish to go next. Perhaps this is the way of asking myself the questions of my intentions within the field and the kind of artist I wish to be moving forward. Perhaps this is the moment to question whether the kind of artist I am is viable at this moment or will the way I have loved working ever have value in the same way. Perhaps small movement and small breaths will be the way in which I am able to answer these questions finding a path the brings peace back to my heart.

This Is What I Do.

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art, Ballet, contemporary ballet, contemporary dance, Dance, dancing, humanity, inspiration, lessons learned, space, truth, work

In my movement meditations I often return to the grateful mind space and acknowledge that I am so very fortunate to be here in this space and at this time. There have been countless times when life should have been taken from me save some miraculous cradling of the universe itself. Too many unexplainable events which should have erased me from this moment. And in those brief seconds of recollection, I am reminded to once again be grateful.

And so it is with this sensibility that I find myself in connection and concert with others bodies and their hearts. I have not chosen the path of the empath, but I certainly have learned how to embrace it as best I can. And still, I have much learning on how to be even better with these skills I have been given. With such skill comes a responsibility that known really knows how to prepare for.

I do what I do not for the same reasons others do this profession. Dance is not my life nor is the teaching of dance my life. Yes, I do make dances and I do shape dancers, but there is something far more profound that I take part in that often gets lost in the overall ego consuming work of this field. That work is the transformation of body and spirit through the bridge building of conscious sensation. One can never go back once one understands the power of synesthesia.

This moment of connected consciousness and the empowerment that happens for those individuals that understand the undeniable energy available to them is unquestionably the moment I live for. The moment of physical embodiment and enlightenment of the pure power of potential one possesses. It is this moment that transforms the spirit as it unravels the many untruths it has learned through fear and shame.

These Beautiful Legs

Tags

dancing, health, inspiration, legs, life, me, observations, path, Running, thoughts, travel, walking, work

As I was running today after being away from it for almost a month again, I had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my legs. As I cooled down and walked my way back I could not stop thinking about how grateful I am for these beautiful legs of mine and all they have been through, seen and have provided for me.

I look back to my youth and realize how much a part of my legs were in my sports participation. And although I was never really that great at any sport per se, I realize how beneficial my legs were in allowing me to do things such as the Presidential Physical Fitness tests we had to take and how many of those awards I was able to accumulate. I was a fast little one in my day and if it weren’t for these legs, I could not have traveled like the wind.

And then I think to football, wrestling, gymnastics. And yes, cheerleading. All of those wonderful experiences they allowed for me. In addition to all of the wonderful people I was able to meet and to get to know simply because I was fortunate enough to participate in such activities. How lovely to have had these legs carry me to so many wonderful people in my teens.

And then there was that time I fell in love with this thing called dance. Yes that awkward moment when I realized that I really loved a body in motion and that my legs were going to have to learn how to refine their movements and articulate in ways that they have never been asked before. And yet because of my previous life in sports my knees were somehow not having it at all. But, my legs decided that they were not going to listen to my knees and overcome the deteriorating cartilage issue that the doctor warned me about and suggested I find another passion. We clearly know where that went.

And after all these years dancing, at the age of 47, my legs still care for me and carry me to so many magical places. My legs are my life. They do so many beautiful things for me. They have provided so many experiences and adventures I could never have imagined possible. They have walked me in and out of cities all over the world. They have touched the backs of horses and elephants. They have danced on some amazing stages in the world and have been submerged in many oceans. They have given me so much.

And for this I am so appreciative. Grateful that I have these beautiful legs in which continue to allow me to purse my dreams, share my knowledge, share their knowledge and share their grace. I am so fortunate to be able to take myself for a run and move through the woods along the river of this beautiful city on such a beautiful day. Thank you legs for the amazing gifts you have given and continue to give to me. May I honor you and cherish you for all of your goodness.

Walk on!