Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 19

Tags

Believing, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, gay romance, love, Love Between Men, Soul to Soul

I have loved you longer than I have loved myself. In fact, there has been no one I have loved longer than I’ve loved you. 

You were the first person I ever gave my heart to and the only person I left it with. Once I gave it I didn’t realize there was no getting it back. 

Even long after your image was no longer with me I still had no idea how long it would be before I realized I left it with you that very last day. 

Year after year and relationship after relationship thinking I had one to share with others. Not once did I realize how empty my chest was. How could it be that all of these “loves” were not meant to be? 

It became all too clear to me how incapable I was of even having a heart full relationship with another man simply because I had no heart to give and no love to share. When the chest is empty there is little chance of the fulfilment of a barren space. 

So what does one do when they realize the heart no longer resides with them? How does one find a way to love again? What is it we do in order to bring a heart back to live once again within a life wanting to love? 

It’s clear really. If we are to reclaim our heart we first have to learn how to love ourselves in order to heal the vacant space within in order to bring light back into our heart space. We have to figure out a way to forgive ourselves for all the time lost and to finally let go of a love that would never be again. 

Once this happens it’s as if but by bit our heart returns and rebuilds a place deep within our chest that brings light and love with it animating all that is good within. Once the momentum starts it’s as if time reversed all loss and hope befriends the long lost heart. 

And so we heal and rebuild. We retrain the hardest working muscles of the body returning to a state of potential and great energy. We recognize what can be and realize we may very well have time to open up the heart again. Yet this time not to give it away, but rather to keep the heart for ourselves and simply love with all its light. 

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 13

Tags

Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, creative energy, Creative Flow, creative process, creative spirit, Creativity, Dance, gay romance, love, Love Between Men, male love, realization, Soul to Soul, spirit

“That’s the strange thing about us, even if the heart is lost we are still capable of giving love. The only difficulty is when the heart is no longer there, it’s almost impossible to receive love”.

This is a line from one of the characters I am working with on a project that has been whirling around me for years. Last night’s dreams brought so many of the challenges of the story into new light and lifted the veil of not knowing how to connect the dots.  

There were so many lines that revealed themselves along with imagery and poetic metaphors for things that it became all too clear how this story needed to be told. Especially the time frame and the place. 

One thing that struck me was how much I was thinking about the writing as a linear format rather than the organic way I normally tell stories, present imagery or make work. For some reason I never thought to write something like this the same way I make dances. The dream last night basically was the movie of the work and it was unfolding image after image. 

I am pretty excited about rewiring the process abs in some ways making it a little more messy. Layout all the moments and images and then shade shape and form from there. This work is begging for a collage and is needing to be presented through a movement perspective rather than a literary perspective. Spending time in the depth of each imagistic moment is what always works for me in dance and seems to be the way the story is begging to be told here. 

It seems as if I am getting the “picture” that in order for me to write, I must write like a choreographer. In order for me to convey my ideas, I need to shape worlds like I shape dance works in space. It’s a big ah ha for me to realize I just have to keep creating the way that is best and works for me rather than trying to create in a way that works for others. Stay in the creative flow you know and let the medium be the variable. 

I have a lot of scribbling and imaging to do today so I think it will be enough for today’s thoughts. My intention was to talk about the line I started with but I think I will save that for tomorrow. Happy to explain why the character says what he does and what it all means. But for now, I’m rather inspired to get to making; dancing my way through the story.