Open Your Heart And Love Will Flow In

Tags

allowing, Believing, bliss, courage, courageous heart, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, gay, heart, hope, journey, joy, love, male love, patience, Soul to Soul, spirit, universal heart

This journey as of late has really been such a delight. Time and time again I am reminded of the brilliance of being in the flow and letting go to allow. This transformation through the simple act of healing the heart and learning to love again has given me back so much light in my life.

I am super grateful to be repairing the pain. Grateful to be healing the holes. Grateful to be recalibrating the vibration and letting the heart beat freely once again. Love is the most healing of all energy and should not be shut out but rather unleashed and set free to allow the greatest healing of all.

And wouldn’t you know, out of the blue, love waltzed into my heart and has been a brilliant light. Yes, in all of this healing there must have been a trigger of the resonance and brought the sharing of love in my direction. It has been a delight to begin a journey with a lovely man with whom is such a positive energy and beautiful spirit.

I am grateful for this spirit who shared so much of his world and is teaching me new things I never dreamed of learning. It’s a new language and a new way of being that I thought long gone and passed the point of a possibility. But in fact, love builds on momentum and heals with a force greater than anything else. And for this, I believe in magic and miracles. All of which made possible by love.

Strangling the Man Within

Tags

being a man, Conscious Living, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, gay, humanness, love, sensitivity, Soul to Soul, spirit, Suffocate, vulnerability, Vulnerable, vulnerablitiy

Strangling the Man Within

As young boys we are taught to be strong. We are conditioned to not cry, show weakness or reveal any kind of fear. Image after image floods our minds with what it means to “be a man”. This cultural and societal training is suffocating for so many of us regardless of the spectrum sexual or masculine identity we possess at such a young age. 

This is a wheel of conditioning and constructing that has been turning, and continues to turn, that we most often don’t see or recognize it happening to us and around us. Oftentimes we don’t even have an inkling of what is happening because we have never seen or have been exposed to anything or anyone like ourselves due to the strangling of sensitivity by a cultural preference to hyper masculinity. 

Upon reflection, I had no idea what I was even doing to myself or others in the name of this conditioning. In all of this heartwork I have been doing I am unraveling the pain and hurt caused by the conflict of my sensitivity in a time of being a man. As a boy I had such a difficult time squaring my sensitivity in a world that couldn’t understand them. And for a little boy,this hurt deeply. 

Being so developmentally young I was raw within the conflict and having to live in these surroundings. This conflict then comes out in only the ways conflict can. Rage, fear, hurt, pain, anger and heartache forces you into lockdown so as not to reveal who one is but to in fact hide our true nature in addition to all of the pain simply to keep one safe. 

This safety is in fact a prison. We imprison ourselves to close off in order to survive or hide our sensitive energies. With our limited understanding we close out the world by desensitizing ourselves in the hopes of our own survival. We do so because it is all we know to find some kind of peace within all of this conflict. 

Yet, we all know this is the furthest thing from peace. We struggle to belong. I struggled deeply to belong. I did my best to survive by living around the edges so as to keep my sensitivity in check, often never understanding why I was always on the outside looking “in”. Mind you, I was somehow able to do so with love in my heart which is what I attribute to why I had so many friends and why I was so liked. All of this despite my conflict. 

One memory I have of a moment of hurt was with my dad that constantly reminds me of where I was and what I was feeling within. This was early in my teenage years before I was able to drive. My dad picked me up from a gathering of friends and something had happened during that gathering that deeply hurt me. 

As we were on the way home I was doing my best to hold back my tears and reveal my pain. Clearly I was not fully capable of hiding my sensitivity on all occasions. Who is? And so my weeping, my tears fell into the lap of silence. 

Moments like this were difficult for my dad. His conditioning did not train him how to engage with a young man who is not like what is expected or what he expected of a son. To his credit he was able to dialogue with me and try to figure out what was bothering me. It was very bold of him to try and I was appreciative of this. 

During the ride, as we were getting closer to home, he said something that has stuck with me my entire life. He said “you just have to learn how not to wear your heart on your sleeve”. Translated it says that in order to be happy you must not let yourself show vulnerability or weakness by being sensitive. 

And just like that, one retreats. We remove the heart from our sleeves and throw them out the car window in order to keep ourselves safe in hopes of success. Not sure how successful we can be as men if we are no longer living with a heart that we have thrown away. 

So we do our best to carry on with our sensitivity locked away and our hearts abandoned on the side of the road. I wonder how many hearts are lying in disarray on all the highways we travel daily? How many young boys and men have abandoned our hearts simply to belong to something that isn’t even in line with who we are? 

Is it a wonder why we live in conflict, create conflict and perpetuate conflict? Is it a wonder why we are incapable of long lasting relationships that we so desperately desire and want? Despite our sensitivity we have not learned that it is safe to move about the world without hiding ourselves from it.  

It is possible to return to the side of the road and retrieve one’s heart. I have done it. In order to do the heartwork for our spiritual salvation we must return to the side of the road where we have left it. Go back, stop the car and get out to pick it back up. Put it back on your sleeve and let it begin to beat deeply and find its way and your way home. 

Know this, you are a boy, a teen, a young man and a man regardless of where you fall in the “masculinity” and sensitivity spectrum. Regardless of your affiliation, identity or sexuality; you are a man. And this man can be sensitive. This man can be loving. This man can be vulnerable. This man can simply be the man that they are. You can be the man you are. And it is your heart that will tell you so. 

Let that man speak again. Let that man feel again. 

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 27

Tags

ally, champion, communicating, community, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, gay, Gay Pride, love, Pride, Soul to Soul

Sitting down to write and tackle today’s entry I was focusing on a completely different thought than what I am about to share. I was writing the date in my doc and received a DM from a dear friend half a world away. The messages touched me so and I just feel that perhaps it was sent just in time so that I could speak to it. 

The message that was sent was one of love and support from an ally and friend. She expressed and acknowledged the ending of Pride month and wanted to let me know, as well as the friends she knows who are dear to me, that we are loved and in her thoughts. 

This simple message communicating love and support is so moving and so gracious. In many ways this is a show of not only live and friendship but also of being seen for all of who you are. Something that is rather difficult for people to do or accept in others. To be able to live in the fullness of your being and be welcomed into the fold of others is really an amazing thing. 

So many people live in fear or in denial because they are unable to be their complete selves. It is difficult to have to walk a path that is not yours or does not allow you to be the complete being that you are. It can be painful and debilitating in addition to destructive. 

When you are brought up in a world made for others you don’t ever feel you belong. When there is no representation for you to see yourself and to recognize yourself in others, the tendency is to hide away out of shame and fear of rejection. And this is precisely why it is important to celebrate Pride the way in which we do. It is important to be present and visible for those to see that they too belong. 

To be present in one’s full self is to be at one with oneself. To stand in the center of your world without fear and without harassment is empowering and freeing. It should be an inspiration for others and should be celebrated all year long and within every day and in every action of our being. One can be proud even in simply being. 

Even though I am an artist who lives presently in my work but don’t necessarily focus on queer issues, who I am still lives within all of my work. My strength, sensuality, intimacy, passion, drive, curiosity, courage, sensitivity, softness, weakness, quietude and power are all a part of each work I make. I create multidimensional worlds in which all people are welcome to be a part of rather than a viewpoint that expresses a single thought. 

Images connect to the humanity within all people and speak to the nervous system and freeing of the neuromuscular blockages of trauma that so many have felt. My work, through the lens of a queer man acts as a compassionate bridge to see oneself and ones humanity within it. The work is a safe place where the dancer doesn’t have to put on a character but only simply to be their full selves. Just as the audience does not have to understand anything outside themselves but rather feel a soulful connection to what is within. 

So yes, I am a queer artist making work that is accessible to all and am proud to be present in that work amd present in the making and sharing of that work. It has always been a desire to represent myself fully in my work, the classroom and in my personal world. That in itself is activism. And for that I am proud. And for that I celebrate. We celebrate. 

This is why a small message can remind us of the work, the necessity and the importance of being present in all that we are and to take time to fully celebrate our complete selves. It is important to be a champion for others. And I am grateful for the allies in my life who remind me they are there and there is love. 

Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 20

Tags

Believing, champion, courage, courageous heart, Courageous Vulnerability, creative energy, Creative Flow, creative process, creative spirit, Dance, faith, gay, love, queer, queer champion, queer creativity, Queer spirit, Soul to Soul, spirit

6/25/21

If we do the math we can clearly see, and I can clearly admit, that I have been unsuccessful in writing for thirty consecutive days this month. Yes, I have failed. But, I am just fine with that. Where I have succeeded is that I am writing anyway and will complete thirty days just not in a row. And this right here is resilience. 

What I have been seeing reveal itself is a comfortability in writing on a regular basis and being more present to see things during the day that sparks creativity or connection of dots and information that I am working on. It is rather exciting to be realizing there is so much I want to talk about and share. 

An example of this was on a walk with the boys yesterday as we were honoring the Strawberry Supermoon. I was needing to title my presentation for the Queer Artist symposium coming up in August and while walking in nature and being present among the trees, it hit me. Very clearly the title dropped into my awareness and was spot on. 

Once that happened I walked in silence with the boys and came to a clearing. What I noticed first was a man moving his arms in such a way that was not typical gestures for someone standing by themselves. It was a pulling and gathering motion with his head looking up with a great deal of focus and concentration. As I looked to the place he was staring at in the sky I realized he was flying a kite. 

This made me smile. Here in this clearing a grown man was out taking advantage of this beautiful day to be by himself and fly his kite. He was unleashing his child and doing something atypical of a grown man on a lovely afternoon. 

As we walked more closely to him we caught one another’s eye and I smiled. He returned the smile briefly as he quickly returned to his focus and work of managing his work. A brief acknowledgment of knowing and then off we went. 

This really made my heart sing as it reminded me that we all need to just do the things that make us happy regardless of age, place or culture. Yes, go fly that kite of yours and do so proudly with great joy and with confidence and grace. 

And so my little pack kept on walking. We headed back along the trail that took us deeper into the woods and the conversation with the trees. Yes trees do speak if we are willing to listen. And I do credit the trees for the title I mentioned earlier. They offer some great creative connections if one listens. 

After a little bit of walking we began to hear some music. It sounds faint and almost as if it is coming from a transistor radio. I don’t yet see anyone as there are trees between us and the place where the sound is coming from. Clearly someone is on a different trail close by listening to a soundtrack for their walk. 

We continue walking and all of a sudden, in a little clearing, I see a man on a bike peddling carefully to manage the terrain on his bike. It is strange because he too looks like a little boy doing his best to keep his balance and not fall over. It’s almost as if he just learned how to ride a bike. 

But the really interesting thing to me was his score that accompanied this whole unique image. He was listening to some seriously deep twangy country music and living his best life on his bike. And there it was again, a reminder to just do what makes sense to you and to play the soundtrack of your life while you are doing it. No matter what. You don’t have to do it well, look gray doing it or need to be with anyone to do it. Just do it. 

And of course I smiled and continued walking. And just a few steps away, as the sound moved away from us in the opposite direction, it hit me. The images I was fortunate to see were a reminder that we all should just fly our flags. Regardless of the flag and it’s meaning, if the meaning isn’t hurtful or from a place of hate, fly it with pride. 

This was super profound with it being pride month and all. And so I smiled and recognized the need for myself to be more proud and to express and share the flag, or dare I say many flags, I have to fly. And yes, I have made a commitment to up my gay and be more visible not because I don’t live out loud, but because perhaps I simply just need to be visible for folks that might need a champion for them. 

So this brings me back to the title that hit me so magically at the beginning of my walk. What spoke to me was very much a way I have been living my creative life and very much a part of my multidimensional queer life. The title being, “Present in Ones Power: Embracing Queer Body, Mind and Spirit. 

So there it is, one of those flags I talked about. And yes, right now at this moment I am flying my flag and super excited to fly it for this queer workshop. And, just to fly my flag at any time to be that champion and safe place or person for someone who has yet to be able to fly theirs for whatever reason. Being present and proud through whatever work I do is a flag in and of itself. 

Happy Pride folks! And be sure to check out the Queer Embodiment and Creative Process workshops at Dogtown Dance in Richmond, Virginia July 3,10, 17, 24, 31 and August 7 from 1:00PM-2:30PM. There will be all kinds of wonderful interactive presentations and sharing and yes, all are welcome. Hope to see as many of you as you can make. I will be the last person to share on August 7. Come out and watch me fly the flag in real time. 

I Finished Another One

Tags

change, courage, development, encouraging, faith, fear, gay, growth, hope, inspiration, love, Love Between Men, reading, spirit, Support, words that hurt, words that inspire, Writing, young relationships

I have just closed another book. Upon doing so, I have whispered into the air the words I have been whispering every time I have closed a book for the last 27 years. “I finished another one my dear, (……)”! I have uttered softly these words aloud or under my breath for some time now and have not shared this secret with more than a handful. The secret of the phrase, or the persons name in which I speak.

I have held both of them close for two reasons: 1. Because it has taken me this long to have faith in myself as an intellectual being and 2. Because the persons name was my very first love who, to this day, I am not sure is out. Out of the respect for him, I keep his name silent, but out of the need to share the triumph of courage, I share now.

Several things about this story are important. First off, words hold great weight. They can be used to inspire and educate, to uplift and encourage as well as to degrade and hurt. Even though many times people do not realize the words they speak cause severe damage, they do regardless if they are malicious or unaware. We should all be more mindful of our words and the ways in which we choose and use them.

Second, we must remember that there are so many things in our lives that we have believed to be true that were or are not and that we can over come. Society encourages individuals to believe things simply because one is different or unlike them. Regardless if there is even an ounce of truth to the assumption, because I am different, it must be true. Do not believe this. Listen to your heart to save the heart from ache.

So what does all of this have to do with closing a book and speaking those words? Well, for the past 27 years I have never believed or had the courage to believe that I could read or write well at all. I did not want to read or write out of the fear that someone would think I was stupid and uneducated. Feared being found out that who I was, was not in fact who I wanted to be.

That said, being gay and having your boyfriend tell you you were incapable of finishing a book or even a magazine for that matter even layers the whole issue. Yes, that is what he used to tell me all the time. So of course, when one is in high school, has a boyfriend in the same high school that no one knows anything about and that the fear of anyone finding out scares you, of course the reality of the situation can get a little skewed. Growing up in a world where who you were was a secret and the fear of anyone finding out keeps one from asking too many questions or sharing too many things one would like in situations that need comfort or understanding.

I began to believe this sentiment. I mean, he loved me right? We loved each other. He must be right? I mean what do I do? Not very good at school. Run in a completely different crowd. All the boxes of who I am externally do not match any sense of intelligence or writing ability. Right?

And so I have carried this for a very long time. It has weighed on me through college, my professional career as a dancer and choreographer, grad school and presently my academic life. Living in fear that one would be found out is not the kind of life one should carry around with them. It gets in the way of the good life and the life in which is actually the one you are supposed to be living.

So after all of these years, hundreds of books read, mountains of journals, papers, manuals and blogs; I realize perhaps all these years I have let someone hold me back from realizing all of who I could have been. I gave away my power to be loved. Love like that is not love. It is fear in the guise of love using words to hold close that which they do not understand. Words can trap a spirit from being what it is truly meant to be. So be careful with your words. They might scar someone deeply.

Now, however, I whisper those words and I smile. I giggle as I have come to realize the writer and intellect inside me. I use those words as inspiration. With every book I gain momentum. With every post I find more courage. Writing the EBAS manual was monumental and presently being in the throws of writing my book inspirational. Even if the only inspiration is for myself and the book never sells a copy, although I know it will because my friends love me, it will still be worth it.

And so as I sit here and close the pages of another book, I raise it to the sky and say, “I finished another one my dear, (…..)”!

Returning to Magical Moments at Dusk and Dawn

Tags

Believing, Conscious Living, Courageous Vulnerability, Creativity, Dream, gay, Love Between Men, Seeing, Soul to Soul, spirit, universal heart, Wonder

I have been longing for the magic of returning to the bed in a magical and blissful state of existence in both returning to and leaving it as part of an assigned ritual of my day. I say this only because I have such fond memories of those sacred moments as part of my past and subsequently with two separate loves of my life.

 

I have lost this enchanted moment in my existence as of late as I tumble into bed exhausted, frustrated, or confused from the day that has just ensued. Perhaps the loss of magic and wonder throughout my day has taken over or replaced the sacred act of nesting and awakening my body. As of late I have been feeling the need to return to this place as perhaps a starting point of reconnection.

 

In thinking about this I wandered down the path of my life of love with truly the first long term relationship that contained a weaving of two lives and spirits in one of the deepest and grown up ways possible at that time.  I was in a relationship with a young man named Troy. He too was a dancer but he had a very strong connection to literature that I did not and opened a vast ocean of insight and magic through his passion and love of words and eloquent story.

 

Because of his passion and my ever creative dreaming mind, we would come together at night before bed or after an incredible session of love making and play to get lost within the sheets of our bed and whisper thoughts to one another to clear our heads and our hearts. We made a promise early into our relationship that we would not go to bed without expressing our hearts of anything we needed to let go of so that sleep would be ours and solidify the love and space in bed that we shared.

 

As the relationship grew and much time passed between us, we fell into the ritual of reading to one another allowing for a portal of dreams to enter the dream world and our slumber. We started with the Griffin and Sabine books and read letters to one another as we walked ourselves through those pages. Once devouring that we moved onto other books and material that deepened and enchanted that time together. There was much magic and love shared as well as a deep and rich connection to the world of words and wonder.

 

And, as many of our lives go, that relationship ran its course and time passed with life brining another young man into my life who brought his own sense of magic and wonder love into my life. This particular person was gifted as a dancer also but possessed the colorful magic of the canvas and visual world. Nathan was such a gifted seer who spent many magical moments listening to his heart and living deeply from and in that space.

 

Early on in that relationship, dare I say even right away, we started a ritual perhaps inspired by that shared with Troy.  Nathan and I awoke to magic and spent much of our time lingering in the bed telling one another stories and creating a whole series of children’s books with vibrant adventures and new mythologies. We would spend literally hours wrapped in one another intertwined in our limbs whispering and giggling as we created worlds within worlds of wonder.

Much of these worlds lived simply as a way of staying in bed with one another simply longing for more time. It was if we could not get enough of one another physically so we made up stories to keep us close. It was an amazing time to suspend time and space allowing the stories of our hearts to bring us closer creating new stories of our own. Perhaps creating the story of us.

 

Both of these times hold such a tremendous richness and respect for time, place and person. Both of these had there own unique sense of magic, splendor, and enchantment. Both of these whispering to me now as I long for a little more magic in my life and deeper connection to every single moment of my life both awake and at rest.

 

Perhaps it is time to create a new ritual of return and release. Perhaps it is time to re-enchant my world in many ways that have brought blissful magic to my life in the past. Thank you Troy for inspiring my love of word and my yearning for story. Thank you Nathan for inspiring the color that magic and fantasy can bring to that story. Most importantly, thank you both for allowing me the time in your lives allowing me the space to love and to explore the magic of love. It is now forever a part of the story of my heart.

 

Sacrament of Mouth and Soul

Tags

gay, Giving In, love, Love Between Men, Soul to Soul, well being

The smell of you stayed with me all day

It reminded me of how delicious your skin was

How the taste of your body lingers in my mouth

How I long to taste you again

There is something about your sensuality

Something about your touch

I mustn’t forget your eyes that peer into the caverns of my being

They melt me

You melt me

The sweet words you whisper

Your sumptuous body against mine

The hand that reaches over to touch me

How glorious our first night

You held me

I held you. Fitting together as two pieces of a puzzle

Coming together to create a picture of contentment

The next morning of play and exchange

How erotic I find you

The sensations of your touch

And your body

I want to eat all of you

Again and again

Please let me do it again

I long for your release

All over me

Rubbing you all over me and into my skin

Soaking it in as if taking you and making you a part of me

Wanting to be that close

I want to feel that close

Again, again, again

Accepting My Path

Tags

Ballet, Believing, Conscious Living, Courageous Vulnerability, Creative Flow, Dance, EBAS, Energy, gay, health, journey, Magic, Soul to Soul, Stepping, Teaching, universal consciousness, universal heart, Vulnerable, well being

I have been sharing EBAS with more and more people over the past year and a half as I have embarked on creating the manuals, DVD and certification program. What I have come to realize in this act of sharing has been the magical transformation of the human body as well as the activation of the healing spirit. What I have felt to be true for myself and my own transformation is now being experienced by others when they walk themselves through the form deepening themselves in the consciousness of the system.

 

Let me first share how grateful I am for being allowed to be the facilitator of this incredible system. I cannot express enough gratitude for being able to be a part of this experience while sharing its beauty, body of knowledge and all of the transformative healing embedded inside each exercise.

 

What I am realizing more deeply with each workshop, intensive, camp, festival or semester is the miraculous ability of the system and the ways in which the human body so easily absorbs the work and imprinting its concepts and healing inside the physical being while simultaneously transforming the spirit of the learner.

 

No, I am not a doctor. Nor am I a therapist or anything else a western culture deems credible, important or recognizes as significant to be acknowledged as valid. I am however a listener. I listen to the human body with my hands, eyes and heart. In doing so I have become a healer, facilitator and mechanic of the human body. This listening allows me to hear what the student is crying out for through the blocks and breaks of energy lines in the body. If our ears have become deaf to the cries of our own physical and emotional lives, perhaps what it is I am sharing will help for you to regain your hearing.

 

Because of the things that I am not, I have limited myself in becoming all of who I am. I have allowed the fears and skepticism of others plague my own life with fear and doubt. After all, who I am to be able to listen as I do and have the information that I have? What accrediting body has acknowledged what I know and endorses it and recognizes it as valid? How dare I challenge what is “known” or find a new pathway of experience that is not the same path others have taken? How dare I presume that I know anything at all?

 

Well, let me share this; I know very little. But the one thing I do know is the system works. What I do see time and time again is the remarkable success the system is able to implement almost immediately. What I have seen, even if not empirical, is the anecdotal results of people and their transformations. And in all honesty, I am not interested in the path of others. What I am interested is in following the truth that has been shared and laid out for me to follow at whatever the cost.

 

I have allowed my fear to hold me back from coming out once again. My feelings of inadequacy as a writer, researcher and academic have held me back from sharing and expressing what all it is I know to be true. Ironic that it was far easier for me to come out in my sexuality than it has been to come out than coming out as I fully am now.

 

So I write today sharing with you that I am coming out again. This time I am revealing what I have been so blessed to be a part of and share with you. I embark on a journey of transparency through the act of healing of the physical and spiritual. Now is the time for transformation; a time of health and well-being.

 

I expect nothing of the system but for what it desires itself to be. I expect of myself all that is required to allow the work to be shared and absorbed by others. I would not have been given this opportunity if I did not have the ability to do what is needed or required of me. Perhaps this is a part of my own deeper transformation as well. Perhaps there is an even larger context that I could not possibly begin to imagine available for me.

 

I am finally accepting this path. This is my path. Not the path I had thought for myself but most likely an even brighter more unimaginable path that I could not even had dreamed possible for myself. So I accept my challenge. I accept the work and acknowledge that it is with great courage and faith that I must take every conscious step toward this experience of sharing. May I breathe through my feet as I exhale and dive into the magical waters of healing energy and life.

Giving Up Maps

Tags

Ballet, choice, choreography, Dance, gay, individual, journey, love, love between m, Love Between Men, Maps, Modern, path, road, travelers

I gave up following maps a very long time ago in favor of the luxury of following my heart. I prefer the guide of the hills, caverns and rivers of blood pulsing inside my chest to the two dimensional land forged by others.

Although we have followed cartographers scribbles so as not to lose our way in space, the same is not true of our individual journey with love. There are no maps for that landscape, that path. There is no one who has traveled before to show us how to journey west as our north is, and will never be, understood by others.