To The Side I Dream. In The Center I Become

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becoming, gratitude, growth, inspiration, lessons learned, life, light, love, observations, spirit, spirituality, truth

I am not sure that I have ever felt a sense of belonging at any time in my life. As the baby in a family of five there never seemed to be a space as the little one that made things uneven or imbalanced. That and knowing from a very young age that who I was didn’t seem to line up with the family’s religious or cultural views. And yet, off to the side I was, dreaming and building worlds in the heart of my imagination. Sitting within that space I realize even at such a young age I found my center and I started to become the very heart of who I am today.

As a child in school growing up I also felt quite different and not quite like others. To say I felt as if I was the one of those beings unlike the others would be an understatement. I think I realized very early on the importance that modeling kindness and love for everyone I encountered seemed to create relationships that mattered and therefor love allowed more space for imagining connection even if I didn’t feel I belonged. And so through kindness I found my center and started to become the very compassionate being I am today.

As a teen I played all kinds of sports and was involved in all kinds of activities. I was privileged to be able to have these experiences and yet they scared me to death. I hated being out in the outfield because there was no other place to put me. Standing out hoping a ball wouldn’t come my way. Batting time and again and hoping to get walked simply to avoid the humiliation of striking out. And yet, when it came to being seen always being recognized as the sportsperson of the season because of what I was capable of doing for others around me. Wishing to be a ghost but seen as a strength for others. And so through support I found my center and started to become the empath I am today.

And who couldn’t forget the football team? I mean really? The size of me doesn’t really work with the power and the force that my friends were capable of harnessing. And even in this instance, despite the mismatch and lack of talent, I loved it. Not only that, but I loved the friends that I spent my time with. I always felt cared for and protected despite not feeling like one of the guys. But for some reason, after games, we sang. Yes, we celebrated and we enjoyed life come the rain or the shine. And even if I was on the “field”, mostly sidelines, I found my center made of joy; joy that came from liking doing something with people I admired and respected which started the notion that I could lead others in song even if it wasn’t on the field.

And then I found myself in theater. I took a risk to embrace being different and choosing so I found a small part of my voice. I stumbled upon my actual voice. I opened the door to a world of lovely people who were kind and who I realized began to see me perhaps as me even if the revelation of my full being remained hidden from public view. And yes, I seemed to thrive in this industry but always felt an outsider as I had no formal training or experience. Would they found out I have no idea what I am doing? That on top of the fact that I am not at all what I seem? Yet even so, I found my center “hearing” myself for the first time and thinking I might have a chance to become the listener of something if I worked at it.

Following my voice and the theater I came to realize I enjoyed it and found great pleasure but like all other things in my life, I just didn’t seem to fit that world. Once again unlike the outspoken others I was finding out that where I really found great joy, as the introvert that I am was in the animation and training of my physical voice, the body. I fell in love with dance as it was the thing I could do hiding behind my dyslexia and crippling fear of being found out that I did not see the world and words as others. So being on the outside now became the inside as I listened and learned how my body worked and how it would become the tool of my life. I found my center at the center of a moving body and breathing soul.

And here I am today, after all these years in the field having had a career as a dancer, choreographer and educator, still with the same feeling of being in dance but not of dance. I have made an incredible life in this art form. I am so grateful that it has given me so many beautiful experiences, friends, travel and the manifestation of breathtaking work. So much gratitude for it all. Yet, as most people know, I am not in the “game” of dance just as I have never been in the game of anything I have done. I did it and do it out of the joy and love I get from doing it and doing it as if my life needs it as I need breath. Oddly enough I have also realized how much I don’t need it as I have also found a way to breathe with the soul that has been with me all along in the times I have been to the side living in my dreams.

I guess after all of this living in the shadow of fear, isolation and not belonging; I realize I belong to myself and to the dreams I have been able to manifest simply by giving into the center of myself in everything I did. I have been living in the center of becoming and in doing so, I have always belonged. I recognize that in accepting I belong, I have always been able to see the unseen, feel the unfelt and dream the impossible. And in the end, I accept all that I am and honor that at the center of it all, we all belong if we accept the center of ourselves.

 

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I Finished Another One

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change, courage, development, encouraging, faith, fear, gay, growth, hope, inspiration, love, Love Between Men, reading, spirit, Support, words that hurt, words that inspire, Writing, young relationships

I have just closed another book. Upon doing so, I have whispered into the air the words I have been whispering every time I have closed a book for the last 27 years. “I finished another one my dear, (……)”! I have uttered softly these words aloud or under my breath for some time now and have not shared this secret with more than a handful. The secret of the phrase, or the persons name in which I speak.

I have held both of them close for two reasons: 1. Because it has taken me this long to have faith in myself as an intellectual being and 2. Because the persons name was my very first love who, to this day, I am not sure is out. Out of the respect for him, I keep his name silent, but out of the need to share the triumph of courage, I share now.

Several things about this story are important. First off, words hold great weight. They can be used to inspire and educate, to uplift and encourage as well as to degrade and hurt. Even though many times people do not realize the words they speak cause severe damage, they do regardless if they are malicious or unaware. We should all be more mindful of our words and the ways in which we choose and use them.

Second, we must remember that there are so many things in our lives that we have believed to be true that were or are not and that we can over come. Society encourages individuals to believe things simply because one is different or unlike them. Regardless if there is even an ounce of truth to the assumption, because I am different, it must be true. Do not believe this. Listen to your heart to save the heart from ache.

So what does all of this have to do with closing a book and speaking those words? Well, for the past 27 years I have never believed or had the courage to believe that I could read or write well at all. I did not want to read or write out of the fear that someone would think I was stupid and uneducated. Feared being found out that who I was, was not in fact who I wanted to be.

That said, being gay and having your boyfriend tell you you were incapable of finishing a book or even a magazine for that matter even layers the whole issue. Yes, that is what he used to tell me all the time. So of course, when one is in high school, has a boyfriend in the same high school that no one knows anything about and that the fear of anyone finding out scares you, of course the reality of the situation can get a little skewed. Growing up in a world where who you were was a secret and the fear of anyone finding out keeps one from asking too many questions or sharing too many things one would like in situations that need comfort or understanding.

I began to believe this sentiment. I mean, he loved me right? We loved each other. He must be right? I mean what do I do? Not very good at school. Run in a completely different crowd. All the boxes of who I am externally do not match any sense of intelligence or writing ability. Right?

And so I have carried this for a very long time. It has weighed on me through college, my professional career as a dancer and choreographer, grad school and presently my academic life. Living in fear that one would be found out is not the kind of life one should carry around with them. It gets in the way of the good life and the life in which is actually the one you are supposed to be living.

So after all of these years, hundreds of books read, mountains of journals, papers, manuals and blogs; I realize perhaps all these years I have let someone hold me back from realizing all of who I could have been. I gave away my power to be loved. Love like that is not love. It is fear in the guise of love using words to hold close that which they do not understand. Words can trap a spirit from being what it is truly meant to be. So be careful with your words. They might scar someone deeply.

Now, however, I whisper those words and I smile. I giggle as I have come to realize the writer and intellect inside me. I use those words as inspiration. With every book I gain momentum. With every post I find more courage. Writing the EBAS manual was monumental and presently being in the throws of writing my book inspirational. Even if the only inspiration is for myself and the book never sells a copy, although I know it will because my friends love me, it will still be worth it.

And so as I sit here and close the pages of another book, I raise it to the sky and say, “I finished another one my dear, (…..)”!

Cycles of Giving and Receiving

Tags

Ballet, choreography, craft, Dance, development, growth, Modern, process, Shaping Space, sharing, spirit, Teaching

As I watched the students of DSA move through 7 minutes of choreography that we have systematically developed over three days, I realized how lucky I am to be able to be having these experiences as a choreographer, teacher and dancer. It is an honor to be in my position of sharing what it is I have come to know for myself, and then share that in the process of making a new work. I consider myself very fortunate to have these experiences and opportunities.

I have been doing this at DSA for 7 years now. It has been a ever growing and developing event that has become what it is today. Amaranth comes out and sets three new pieces on the students along with presenting several works in a shared culminating concert at the end of our residency. This year we have also folded in a few works of our great friends, The Island Moving Company. So here we are, in a place of sharing and enhance that I could not have imagined 7 years ago.

What has become apparent is the honesty and integrity through the sharing and building of new work which in turn opens a window of compassion and understanding for ultimate learning experiences. This learning experience is not just happening for the students, but it is also happening for choreographers and dancers alike.

I realized for myself that my craftsmanship as a dance maker and teacher has grown and blossomed because of this exchange as well. Artists need to create a practice of making what they make and doing what they do. Denver has been a part of my practice and the energies of the students through all of the works that I have made here have been a part of my growth and development. I am grateful for the opportunity to be here and making work acknowledging that I too am growing alongside my dancers moving towards the kind of artists we all aspire to be, working in the energies of our spirits making the kind of work that speaks from our hearts.

Thank you Denver School of the Arts for opening your lives to Amaranth. We are grateful and look forward to whatever our paths unfold for us.

A Response for Rachel

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change, choreography, Conscious Living, contemporary dance, creative process, Dance, development, ebb and flow, growth, letting, letting go, listening, Modern, patience, process, Soul to Soul, spirit

 

Our lives as creative energies are always in constant flux. This state of ebb and flow is what drives the tides of our spirits allowing us to listen to the whispers of the wind at one moment as well as feel the heart crashing upon the jagged rocks the next. Despite our lives seeming to be turbulent in the ways in which we live, living in the moment seems to be the best way to be able to see the goodness of all things that are in this very moment.

 

It is tough trying to navigate the waters of our creative life. Difficult because we are constantly developing our own voice while simultaneously coexisting with other processes that we may or may not see eye to eye with but are none the less important to our growth and maturation. We all see work in very different ways. We all understand work to have its range of depth and even, dare I say it, depth to that depth. Often times people involved in the creative process are more comfortable with the noise they are making thinking about the dance rather than the silence of letting the dance exist in its purest form allowing the deepest most honest sense of its being to exist. That is the most honest and raw form a work can take.

 

Even so, we must honor the creative process and current depths of being for all. Yet, while being a passenger on that boat, there is much spiritual treasure for you find within the noisy space that may be whirling about you. Mine those riches by silencing your own heart through the knowledge that you are finding new and expansive nuggets within others chaos.

 

Use these new found diamonds and rubies to work on what your heart wants to speak. Utilize this wealth to create a new and glorious vision letting it spring forth in the ways that speak clearly to your soul. These are the moments when you must remember that even though you are a passenger on someone else’s ship, you must be carrying your sails with you so that at any moment the creative wind calls, you are ready to hoist and being carried by the magic of its bliss.

 

Be ready. Be patient.  Most importantly, remember that your journey is a very long arc that will carry you. Walk it. Sail it. Soar. Trust in your heart that this universe will support the wind underneath your beautiful feet. Some days you will find yourself flying. Others, breathing through the souls of your feet replenishing all that your center-line does for you. Now, all there is left is to just exhale and dive.

Living in the Space Between Magic and What Could Be: Day 3

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body knowledge, consciuos living, courage, courageous heart, Dance, education, equalizing our thinking, fear, growth, heart knowledge, living with compassion, quieting the heart, quieting the mind, right brain

Rational thinking is not always the right ingredient for making something new or expanding our understanding of the world.  It seems the over thinking mind clouds the space between magic and what could be.  This is not to say that we should not try and strive for greater intellect or reason, it is however a plea for finding balance between the left and right sides of the brain so that we might temper our ego in order to heart-speak our reality into beautiful new places.

 

It is a frustrating, and often times discouraging, finding yourself living in the world of “rational” thinkers. The land of the left brain, dominant, male driven conquer at all cost mind set has been a highly destructive place for those of us who listen to the creative mind and use our body knowledge to exist.  It has also been a place that has hindered our own deeper cultivation of what is possible for ourselves as well as the cultures and societies that we live in.

 

I have often wondered what I might have accomplished if I had not been living in a place of fear and inadequacy never fully understanding the different kinds of knowledge that exist or that I possessed? I wonder what children today are put through with all of the testing for intellect rather than seeing if young people can actually comprehend and make coherent connections with who they are, the world they live in and the potential that is deep within them?

 

As I look back and see myself, the choices I have made, and the many mistakes I have lived, I realize I could have taken a much different route and have been living a little more congruent with who I am, what I can do and how I have gone about doing it. You see when one is put against a wall in our particular culture one must learn how, or think they need to know how, to fight their way out. We all do this in very different ways. For me it has been a direct and at times acidic route that has not always sat well with my heart. I have regretted much of my voice in my past and can only work on changing that so that there is peace and light that springs forth from my lips rather than a tongue that sharply cuts the heart of the people around me.

 

Another thing that is crucial for myself is to take time between action and reaction so as to let love answer rather than the fear driven ego that wants to fight. As I stated earlier, there is so much lost in that moment, that space, that if we allow ourselves, if I allow myself, I will be able to open up myself to the flow that is possible reigniting the flames of creativity while letting negative things go unsaid. It is up to me to only correct what I am capable of rather than feeling the need to drive a change what is not possible.  

 

Getting lost in our fear and our insecurity always creates a block that inhibits our truest and most song filled voice. Wandering in the world that is incongruent with our hearts and our lives only serves to strangle our spirits rather than inspire our vision. It is time we live inside the space of magic and possibility with patience, trust and confidence. Existing here with the kind of courage it takes to walk the ways in which are right for you, in a time that is easy on your soul, and with love as the shield absorbing any and all doubt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is It Enough?

Tags

choreography, Creativity, Dance, growth, lessons learned, modern dance, process, society and culture, spirit, Technique

Is it enough to be creative and to make work without the expectation of praise?

Is it enough to just do something because you love to do it and the work itself gives you joy?

Is it enough to live simply not wanting to hold a position of power or recognition?

Is it enough to exist as you are despite being incongruent with society as a whole?

Is it enough to desire to live in this moment, right here and right now?

I have been asking myself these questions as of late and for every single one of them my answer continues to be, yes. I keep coming back to the simple fact that I am enough. I am constantly reminded that what it is I do is enough. What it is I make is enough. What I believe is enough.

This is not to say that I am complacent with where I am at. Far from it actually. Yet, I do feel the need to honor who I am and what it is I do. This should not be belittled simply because I haven’t fought tooth and nail to persuade or justify my existence to you in order to believe in it or me.  I often wonder if we spend more time selling ourselves than actually investing in our work. Our overly politicized culture trapped in a façade of success is really killing the creative process and a sense of equality and diversity in our work and in thought.

Is it a wonder that so many things are passing fads? Are we surprised by the sheer gluttony of our disposable culture? Where has the craft and ritual of process gone? Where has the compassion and understanding for craft gone? Why is it we are unable to see who it is we are within what we make rather than what we can get out of it or where it will take us?

Thinking about all this brought me back some years to a talk back after a concert of Trisha Brown’s at the Harold Washington Library Theater presented by the Dance Center of Columbia College. There was a question that Shirley Mordine asked Trisha regarding the making of her work and who she makes it for. I was surprise by this question but at the same time understood its context. Many people know her as a very intellectual and conceptual cutting edge choreographer and I believe the question was designed to get at what kind of audience she makes her work for.

What surprised me was her response. She very quickly answered that she makes her work for her and for her friends. At the time I thought that this might be why many people are not quite able to grasp her post-modern conceptual approach to work and thought it a very interesting response. Yet now, I believe the answer was something so much more simple and true. What I think she meant is what I am beginning to understand for myself now. She was making work that fulfilled her and that would engage the people she loved around her in conversation and thought about life, art and aesthetics.

When I think of myself now and go back the very questions I presented earlier I realize perhaps I am coming back to what I missed as a young dancer and choreographer hungry for success. What I missed was clarity of being over a desire to be acknowledged or recognized. What I understand now is that I no longer wish that recognition, I just wish to make and share with those that I love engaging in the art and act of making something beautiful.