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Architecture of the Heart

~ Breathing through my feet while exhaling and diving into the vast ocean of space and time

Architecture of the Heart

Tag Archives: Loss

Honoring the Space of Loss

27 Friday Jul 2018

Posted by oberonsky in Soul to Soul, Uncategorized

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allowing, forgiveness, grace, gratitude, Greif, here after, hope, letting go, light, Loss, love, space

It is amazing how much space there is in the absence of love. Deep vacuous space in which a magnanimous soul inhabited. Recognizing this immense openness I become aware of the enormity of the spirit that existed here and am strangely filled with an incredible admiration and gratitude for being present in its grace.

I am also deeply aware of the energy and light that filled this space and all that was given to me. I have been graced with an incredible gift unlike I have ever known before.

As I absorb and simultaneously absolve my grief, I do not desire to diminish or close off the space that remains due to loss of physical presence. What I realize is I must embrace the absence of body and let it remain open and filled with spirit and the essence of the very love of that spirit. Thus, the space is honored by the immense peace that continues to resonate from it.

Love and the loss of physical presence does not mean that love is lost at all. All it does mean is that we need to celebrate and honor it in just a different way so as to let it continue to grow within us. You see the space of love is not meant to be filled or diminished. As a matter of fact, just the opposite is what the gift of loss is.

What I have come to understand is that what happens next is to find the courage and the strength to expand the heart even more to create even more opportunity to let love in again. Just as the universe continues to expand so too shall our hearts. So too shall we mirror and reflect this growth and so too shall we encourage and welcome even more love than we ever felt or knew possible.

I have been graced with such big love that I shall feel graced once again if I only risk to push open my heart and allow for the bigness of a heart as wide as the expansive universe itself.

If I have the courage to do this then then I have the conviction to welcome all the love there is. And if I welcome all the love there is, I have truly honored the love of the space that is left and that I embrace and live within at this moment. I am reminded once again and it is confirmed; there is no loss and there is no loss of love.

With gratitude for the forever graciousness of every being I have ever shared a moment,

Scott

When It Rains Farewell

26 Thursday Jul 2018

Posted by oberonsky in Soul to Soul, Uncategorized

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broken hear, dogs, farewell, Loss, loss of pet, love, pet, tears, tears of love

It was a constant rain, just as it was with the tears. It has been raining from the sky for the past few days as much as it has been the heartbreak has been falling from my eyes. It has been a long last few months with watching my boy Baxter fight through what I have come to know as immune-mediated thrombocytopenia which is a drop of blood platelets which can cause a severe issue for dogs. Early on we were able to catch it and find ourselves on a path for well-being which was a relief at first, but now, it seems as if the boy I have known for the last 11 years has somehow faded with the falling of his platelet counts.

At first he was doing well. His numbers went up into a healthy range and we were looking good. That is if you were not looking at his loss of muscle mass, severe panting and uncontrollable thirst; side effects of the steroids in conjunction with his other meds he has been taking for all of this. Even so, on paper and with numbers he was doing well. Yet, the boy I have known was somehow unseen, at least from the naked eye.

What has been always so magnificent about this boy of mine is that he has always had the spirit of a saint and the fortitude of a warrior. They eyes are the way we spoke and with just a look, a tilt of the head or a severe paying attention; he communicated with great sweetness and with incredible wisdom. Many times I would seek solace in those eyes and in the exchange that would be our physical conversations. And boy were there many.

As a matter of fact, the moment I saw his rich deep soulful eyes in the crate he was in during the adoption event, I knew we were to be together and I suspect he knew it too. Immediately there was a tremendous connection and a realization that this boy needed me and perhaps I needed him even more. His first year of life was pretty traumatic with his being abandoned by a dumpster and having sarcoptic mange. He struggled through that just as he would struggle through many obstacles in which he seemingly navigated with great dignity.

It has been a journey with this one. He has shared some immense compassion, joy and empathy that many will never show in a lifetime. Yet this one, he somehow was able to break through to my heart and model the way of a sage. At many turns I would look to him to see a better way to be and live in this world. I would look to him to see a better way to be more fully human for those I shared my personal and professional world with. I suspect the essence of his spirit will live within me and through me for the rest of my life. It wouldn’t surprise me if someone recognized the spirit of him through me in times to come.

And so as the rain continues, so too does the tears. Witnessing the decline and struggle of a being with whom you have shared so much and have loved so big is rather hard on the heart. Even if the heart was made so sweet and soft by the very presence of his being. Difficult yes, but never hard for there is no going back to a life that isn’t full of unconditional love.

So his brother Bradford and I have been doing all we can to comfort, console and share our love with him during this time. We have snuggled, rubbed, stroked, pet, massaged, carried, hand fed and poured our love all over him this day. I will fondly remember that the last thing his sweet lips took from me was small little bites of banana. Bananas are his favorite things to eat and has been something he beamed with delight over sharing in the mornings for breakfast with his pa pop. It will tickle me that in his final moment we have shared together I knew he had a banana belly and that him taking the banana was a show of love more so than truly being able to eat.

And so it rains. And so I pour out my heart. There is pain, but only sweet pain because of a life well lived together. And yet even in the end he reminds me of importance and the need to let everything go. And in the letting go we are letting ourselves live and continue to live in the spirit of one another. We live large daily so we can live eternally in one another heart and in that beautiful park and lake of the light. Run and swim on my love. I am with you and you are with me. And when I run I run with you. And when i swim I swim with you. And when I love, the world will know it is because of you.

The Space to Grieve

08 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by oberonsky in Musings, Soul to Soul, Uncategorized

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Tags

allowing, becoming, Conscious Living, faith, Greif, Heartache, Loss, Soul to Soul, time, time and space, universal heart

I sit here in the center of the Middle East waiting for my next jump to complete my journey to Perth, Australia. It has taken me two flights and 15 hours of flight time to get here. Fifteen hours to arrive in a place so as to have a moment to digest, absorb and express the emotional roller coaster the past several days have been. I have to wonder why it is it takes traveling half way around the world to find the space to share and release? It is certainly a sign that perhaps I need to slow down and open space in my life so as to be able to deal more readily with the life I am living rather than simply taking care of business. This for another sharing, for now, I need to share something else.

In my whirl wind to successfully finish the fall semester at VCU, remount Tensegerity for IABD, collaborate on the Winery Psalms Project and get ready for this trip, I was shocked to hear the news about the passing of a dear friend. To say I was not already emotionally exhausted trying to do my very best in my responsibilities to my work, students and looming deadlines, the news of Billy’s death stopped my breath. An ex, a friend, a creative spirit and a loving human being crossed the barrier of light a little too soon. Selfishly speaking, a little too soon for me.

One of the things that was difficult in seeing his passing through Facebook was that it was through Facebook that I actually found out. A friend had been suffering and I had not known about it. Shame on me for not being present enough to pay attention to the difficulties he was going through the week prior. This life I am living seems to hold more importance than the love that should be being shared between people and time spent on the relationships with those people.

None the less, my heart tightened and my breath was stunned.

I ended up finding out the reason for his passing and my heart goes out to his family and all of those that love him. Know I am sending love and healing light for your hearts as to shine on you to assist in the navigating the grief that is to come. Shine the light and you will see your way through it.

Ironically, I had no time to process this new found information as I had to get lead a conference call for the study abroad program in Paris happening in the spring. Dogs had to be picked up and I had to keep moving. But I couldn’t. I closed the door to my office and could not find the strength to lock the door and lift my head from the eight of the tears. And yet, I had to pull it together. Things had to get done.

I picked my dogs up from the vet making sure they had all their medications and needs met before all this travel. They could not stay off of me as all they wanted to do was lick the tears from my face and let me know that they loved me and were there for me. Ironically, we spent more time together due to 2 separate car accidents that added an hour to my commute. Thank goodness for the kindness and light of a dear colleague who cradled my needs and stepped up to gather the students and pull off the scheduled meeting for the students. Love and light reveal themselves. They always do.

I finally made it to that meeting. Numb and hallow. Heavy with the weight of loss and the suffocation of grief. And yet, still not able to begin due to feeling as if I must keep moving. Why is it we are not able to be compassionate with ourselves so as to allow ourselves to grieve and feel our hearts break? Why do we as a culture insist that we be strong? We carry to much in our silence and our veneer of strength.

I was paper thin as I watched my students rehearsals in preparation for their finals. The only thing holding me together was the sheer pride of their work and knowing how proud I was of them for being the beautiful artists they are expressing and blossoming into glorious human beings. There is much to be said for honoring the choice to become who you are and to allow yourself the struggle so as to free your heart.

And still, I had not let go. Meetings with all my students holding their fragility of being in the words that should guide and inspire them. Knowing this is more important than the tears hiding behind the lids of my eyes. Making a choice to live in love perhaps is the only thing that should hold one up from processing. Perhaps limiting the hurt that others have to feel is far easier in the long run.

So here I sit. I am in a small quiet space a world away with the time to finally sit and let me heart open. Tears streaming down my face as I finally express my sadness, hurt and regret. My heart aches at the loss of this beautiful young man. His life was full of heart ache and sadness in which he had a difficult time managing and dealing with. My heart breaks knowing his heart ached so much. Would it not be better for those we love to lend our hearts to them more helping them to find a path or a way to their happiness. Not the happiness we see for them, but the happiness that comes from the joy of their choosing.

Not knowing that you are here walking this time and space is hard for me. Yet, I know the bridge you have crossed now finds you in the brightest of light and most loving and freeing sense of joy. My tears are out of missing you and your beautiful spirit and energy knowing that we will not have the opportunity to laugh together once more.

So as I travel around the world this time, I will travel with the memory of you and of our laughter. I will keep you in my heart with the knowledge and warmth of all the joy we shared and all the stories that were made. Now it is the time to tell those stories.

And for all of us, now is the time to make stories. Live them. Embrace all of it. Every single joy, sorrow, difficulty and ecstasy. Do it. Feel it. Live it. Express it. Let nothing hold you back from standing in the center of your bliss. Let no moment go un-lived. Let no expression of love go un-said. Don’t wait. It is far easier to carry the knowledge of having lived than to carry the burden or regret and grief. Grieve we must, but it is far easier through the transparency of love.

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