Small Moments/Small Breaths

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art, changes, Dance, Dance Appreciation, Dance Forms, dance makers, dance making, dancer makers, dancers, dancing, Existence, faith, humanity, learning, lessons learned, me, observations, sharing, space, thoughts, truth

Small Moments/Small Breaths

Strangled by the separation of bodies in motion in shared spaces and the need to push forward in “uncertain” times I have finally come to a point where I no longer feel confident and secure in pushing forward. Sure, I have had to find the strength and courage to be there for the students and to be able to find the ability to keep on keeping on, but honestly, it has been a lot to carry and at times hard to breathe.

Once classes had ended I found myself a drift in these new spaces and new ways of figuring out what to do. Like so many, I struggled with not being able to be in the same space with all of these incredible bodies searching, striving and living the beauty of a body in motion artfully shaping space with incredible precision and grace. The lack of being present in the moment of transformation hurts the kinetic spirits of a community of movement. And no matter how much I am supposed to be brave, confident and courageous, alas I don’t think I am succeeding.

In  many ways this is good to be able to recalibrate and ask so many necessary questions. I believe this as well as believe that in the end this will be a moment of courageous change and a necessary shift for the field and for how dance lives in academia. Truth be told I have never seen myself as a “company” kind of artist nor one that is constantly academically justifying outcomes in an art form that, for me, is all about the process of discovery.

Within the context of this time, how do we reframe the ways in which we see ourselves within the field, within the our process and within our dreams? When being a body in artful motion has been in many ways irreversibly changed, how does one continue to find the surface of the waters of darkness to just catch a little breath to fill the lungs of hope?

Of course I am moving! I still continue to share EBAS classes with folks from all over finding new discoveries and new ways of being in communion. Sure I take long walks with Beathan and find myself in motion on so many levels. Yet, my heart is broken by the inability to be in communities of movement artists to grapple with new concepts and ideas together while watching and encouraging play and exploration.

As many know I am very much an introvert but being in a classroom either leading or collaborating is the way in which I am able to find connection, compassion and a fulfilled heart. I must say being alone isn’t lonely when the work you do on a daily basis is in community and in the love and passion for your work.

One of the things I love most about teaching is the extremely intimate hands on approach that I engage in with my students. I have healing hands and consider myself more a healer than a teacher, choreographer or artist. Certainly more so than an academic. Be that as it may, when the ability to physically connect and create a space of sensorial exploration and transformation is removed from your daily experience, it is crushing and suffocating to say the least.

So now that having to put on my big boy pants and carry on has come to a close, I must admit I am at a loss now that even the smallest amount of connection to movement and students has dried up. Now it is a matter of asking questions and spending a great deal of time accessing new ways of moving and perhaps new ways of making. Yet, I am not interested in the many forms that people are suggesting and pretending that it is just the way we have to carry on. I certainly understand that we need to move forward and figure it out, but still my heart breaks at the love lost in the ways that have meant so much to me.

Truth be told I am not a dance for camera person. It is a great field and there is so much great work happening, but it is simply just not something for me. Many of the directions we are being asked to explore are not for me nor am I particularly interested in being a part of. There are so many wonderful artists already doing this great work and exploring those avenues. I am just not one of them. No, I am one of those artists that lives and breathes the body and craves the discoveries and all the wisdom that a body in motion shares in that process. Is it so wrong to JUST want to be that? Is it a crime to not want to pretend that I am desperately afraid of losing the kind of physical corporeal wisdom that I value above all else?

So then why is it I feel I am not connecting to all of these new ways and that I am just not capable of pretending to be “going with the flow”? While I mourn the loss of contact and the physicality and exuberance of training and performing, do I still have to pretend that all of this doesn’t matter? Is pretending that the heart is broken and still carrying on a healthy thing to do or can we breathe and ask ourselves the kinds of questions we need to ask in a more calm, rational and open space?

This is the thing about calamity, we turn into very reactive individuals trying to solve problems that we have no answers for but feel we need to do it in the first place simply because we are falling prey to the corporatization of academia, the field and the prioritization of outcome or product driven models of success. Wouldn’t it be the time to breathe and ask ourselves some deep seated questions about how to move forward while truly addressing issues in the field that have continued to be overlooked? Would it be nice to stop the train and have conversations that are necessary in having to actually work in community rather than work as individuals in a community cloaked in the very models of suppression that exist?

I would most certainly welcome the space and time to share and grapple with how we are all feeling and move from a place of empathetic understanding as the beginnings of discovering the kind of field that is necessary at this time and the kind of field dance has the potential to be. If we find ourselves coupling together in the energy of survival, how are we asking ourselves clear questions through the lens of creative change instead?

In my meditations I keep on hearing the body whisper “small movements. small breaths”. It is a recurring phrase that I hear but am not quite sure how to translate. The one thing I do know is it is suggesting small and conscious steps through conscious movement with conscious breath. I also think it is a response to the broken heart missing movement, connection and the joy of that collaboration. Perhaps slowing down into the present moment of every action with the awareness of that moment is the best way for me at this time to find the courage and confidence to breathe deeply in movement again.

Perhaps this is all I have to hold on at this moment as I figure out where I wish to go next. Perhaps this is the way of asking myself the questions of my intentions within the field and the kind of artist I wish to be moving forward. Perhaps this is the moment to question whether the kind of artist I am is viable at this moment or will the way I have loved working ever have value in the same way. Perhaps small movement and small breaths will be the way in which I am able to answer these questions finding a path the brings peace back to my heart.

Revealing the Light

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changes, courageous heart, Courageous Vulnerability, development, Existence, fear, friends, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, light, love, sharing, society, thoughts, truth, Vulnerable, vulnerablitiy, Writing

There is light within us all. Regardless of where we come from, what we believe, who we are or what we have done; light resides in each and every one of us and animates our souls. Sometimes this is hard to feel and to know as so many are struggling with so much and simply moving through the day is often a huge weight to bear. And yet, I assure you there is light within. After all you are the light of the universe and that light is in the very essence of your DNA.

So how does one journey to reveal the light within? How is it that we can find a way to peel away the institution of crippling fear? There is no simple answer nor direct path, but there is a place to start. That starting point is learning to claim your light by recognizing that vulnerability is your greatest asset as well as the seed of what makes you uniquely you and gives authenticity to your voice as a beautiful light filled human being with something to offer this world.

Yes, vulnerability is the place where you must live to stand in the face of your fear. Standing on the legs of a courageous heart takes work and it takes pride. Be proud of what you are even if it is not the same as the people around you or like any other person you know. Be proud to state your name, your love, your vision and your truth. Be mindful not to hide away what you deem to be unworthy or not good enough. Doing so will hold you back from what your soulful desires actually are.

As a child I lived in a place of vulnerability and truth but allowed the world around me swallow that innocence and love. Scolded and shamed into no longer trusting the instincts and visions, a young boy became a young man who hid away what others did not understand or even know possible. Hiding the abilities that have been so graciously given strangles the very nature of our true being. And if we are not living in our most honest and vulnerable selves, we are no longer living because we no longer live in the presence of unconditional love. We no longer reside in the place of self love that is necessary for every single relationship we encounter be it romantic and otherwise.

So now I stand in courageous vulnerability to face the fears that have overcome the child within and the wisdom of the heart. Fear is no longer welcome when light shines on its darkness. When light shines it creates shadow. On the other side of shadow is a place for fear for we need to know it is there at all times but our awareness of it is partly what powers and empowers us to stand and face it. Peeling back the layers of a closed heart will release the light that lives in the spirit of the heart. We can stand firmly in the face of fear when we realize there is no greater place to live our lives than to be standing in the face of courageous vulnerability.

And as I challenge you, I challenge myself. As I turn to face my own fears I encourage you to do the same. Yet, do it in the ways that make sense to you and in the ways that feel right for you. We all own our own fears and therefor need to face and embrace them in the ways that work for us. Welcome tiny steps to build the kind of momentum that will transform your being. After all, momentum favors the willing. Be willing and therefor you will be. Be and you shall become.

Reveal the light that you are.

The entire light.

Learning to Recognize the Moment of Transformation

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art, changes, faith, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, observations, sharing, space, thoughts, truth

There comes a time when we recognize the moment in which our life turns a corner. That realization to face the change with courage, dignity and humility is a quintessential pivot in our consciousness as well as in our well-being. This is a defining moment and one that will transform us and our lives completely.

Often times we are unable to recognize these miraculous moments due to the cacophony of noise that surrounds our everyday existence not to mention the noise residing in our own mind. When we are immersed in such noise we know we have succumbed to the betrayal of our authentic selves and have fallen into the falsehood of intellect rather than the intelligence of the heart.

One way to unravel this strangle hold is to immerse oneself into the reorganization of the physical body through conscious training by cultivating an intimate relationship in which the body is the tool to reestablish our relationship to ourselves. This is crucial to being able to create both the physical and emotional space for realigning the vibrations of a healthy being.

There are so many ways to go about this awakening. So many movement modalities and practices that one can connect with to foster a healthy relationship with mind/body. Whatever the practice you choose, give it time. Patience is a required element in the equation for peace and physical and spiritual well-being. Allowing yourself to explore time in an unconventional way so as to suspend habitual or conditional thinking will nurture a new physical paradigm.

Just as it takes time to train the ears to hear, the eyes to see and the heart to speak; so too is it necessary to give space to time to press open a moment allowing the body to unravel itself through its own weight and its own wisdom. Give yourself to the magnitude of your being so as to recognize the moment when the universe opens the door to the greatest road map for success, prosperity and spiritual bliss.

Let Me Be

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art, Existence, faith, humanity, inspiration, life, love, Love Between Men, love for all, loving, me, observations, sand, sharing, Sky, thoughts, travel, truth, water

Let me be Sand

Let me be Water

Let me be Sky

Let me be that which is below, beside and above

Let me surround you with all I am so you never question my love

Let me sustain you with all I am so you know I am always there for you

Let me satisfy you with all I am so you trust your heart, your beauty and your grace

Let me be Sand

Let me be Water

Let me be Sky

No Longer to Speak/Rather to Live

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changes, faith, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, observations, sharing

I feel compelled to no longer speak the truth but rather to live the truth. There is so much noise and so much rhetoric that one can no longer hear oneself think or even feel. Much less to engage in a dialogue in which one grapples with the challenges we face at all levels and on all fronts. Things have changed, and  we need a new way of engaging in the world and supporting that change while simultaneously caring for the self and for the best interest of the heart. It is time to live in radical justice and in fact justice for all.

It is important to give voice to issues that face us and crush so many. It is even more important to live in the light of support for all of those that need it. Even more so. Just repeating the lip service is not enough. We all know the catch phrases and the buzz words can certainly mask so many a things, specifically the ego and the narcissism behind the facade of love and support. Be mindful that love sometimes is shared in the act of love and not behind the veneer of words.

We are conditioned to perceive love and support in ways that are not necessarily honest or real. So many times we have been expressly told whom we can and can’t love. And this more out of fear rooted in hate and ignorance. And remember, people of all walks love in very different ways. Let them, as opposed to forcing your view on the way in which you think love should be shared. When I realized the depth of my fathers love, I finally realized I had to see him and his love for the only way he knew how to show his love for me. Then, and only then, was I able to release the need that he love me the way I wanted but that he could not.

The same is true in all of our lives. The loudest person in the room yelling at you and expressing that they love you and would do anything for you, might just be the facade they need to help them feel that they in fact are loved and so desperately need your acknowledgment simply because they are blinded by the strangling of themselves. Might love be expressed in all kinds of ways? Might love even be expressed more through the quietude of the moment that two people share a space? Might we experience this love and this truth by simply being and sharing?

I feel compelled to no longer speak the language of love but rather to live love in the quietest ways that work in the ways in which my heart speaks. The truth of the radical heart might not be the loudest, but perhaps the one that surrounds you in a blanket of belief.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Thirteen

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changes, faith, health, humanity, life, me, observations, sharing, space, thoughts

If I told you bodies speak to me, you wouldn’t believe me.

If I told you I see pain within the pathways of your muscles, you would think me mad.

If I told you your heart has made a map of your skin, you would laugh at the absurdity.

If I told you your past stands next to you strangling your life, you might recognize that feeling and question your belief that my madness and absurdity might be your chance for freedom.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Eleven

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art, faith, friends, friendship, humanity, inspiration, lessons learned, life, me, sharing, thoughts, truth

I didn’t know those words meant so much. I had no idea the actions made touched so deeply. I was unaware that the energy that I carried spoke to you. I am grateful my presence in your life in some way has made an impact. It was never my intention to be anything or do anything other than what was right. To treat others with respect and dignity was what I thought we did for one another. I didn’t realize its significance.

As funny as social media is, as difficult and divisive as it has become, I still see the light within. I have been reminded of late by those from my world both present and past about what things have stood out about our interactions and our friendships. I am often surprised by the memories they carry or how much things meant to them. Surprised because for me, I just thought it was natural or just the way it should be.

When I am reminded of such wonderful memories, I am touched so deeply. I often wonder about decisions I have made and choices that have shaped my life. I ponder about the path I have chosen and the course of the waters that have carried me into this amazing life. I don’t question the direction but rather, why me? Why is it I see as I do? Why is it I feel so much? Why am I moved to tears of empathy when I should be stronger? Why am I able to do what others do not know is even possible?

When others share with me their memories of us, I am humbled again and again. I am reminded to keep on doing what I am doing without question and without fear. There is something at work here and it needs a vessel to do its work. There is something that needs to be shared and it needs a platform. Be that platform be making dances, making dancers, writing pages, singing a song or healing the body and the heart, it needs to be expressed.

And so I will. And so I do. And so I am grateful that our paths have crossed in some way that has brought you light. May our paths cross again so we can share that light once again in a smile or an embrace that expresses the gratitude we share. I didn’t know my experiences mattered, but I hope to keep on making what little difference I can.

Ever Grateful for YOU!

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Nine

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changes, faith, health, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, observations, sharing, society, space, thoughts, truth

There are moments when you observe the overwhelming convergence of goodness in your life confirming your hearts desire. Time and again we are being encouraged to keep going and to keep moving forward on the path of light we have chosen. If we are not careful to listen, we may miss these omens and grow discouraged about how the journey is proceeding. Listen more carefully to what the universe whispers and you will be reminded of where you are and what is next.

What is really amazing about all of this is that in so many of our conversations with people, friends or simply just acquaintances, you will recognize the truths that are hidden in plain sight. You will also recognize images and moments that insight is being dropped in your lap. There is confirmation that you are on the right track all the time. Lifting our head out of our phones and into others eyes will be a first step. Opening our ears to the quieter moments and the silences in between will also find us many a clue.

And if you are finding yourself in troubled times at present, there are whispers for you too. The question is, are you willing to do what is being asked of you? Are you willing to take the action necessary to turn your ship around? Are you willing to be patient enough to let the solution come to you in ways that will right the sails of your life? Correcting and recalibrating are also part of the many gifts being sent our ways on a daily basis. Being present enough to listen is the key once again.

It is much like the training of dance. How does one listen to the body to know truly where it is in space and if in fact we are in true alignment with ourselves and not just being held hostage by the perception of the body in conditioned space. Yes, we have been conditioned by so many factors outside of ourselves to blind us to who it is we are and what this physical gift is actually trying to accomplish. Becoming acquainted with your true physicality with a keen consciousness, you will find the shift and change of both the physical and emotional self with far less energy output and more energetic recycling.

And this of course is the truth with all physical practices and modalities. Find yourself in the true nature of your being letting yourself feel who you are, and you will experience great joy and fulfillment. Being present to be able to listen to the lost language of space. So much information about the secrets of the world live inside the silence of space.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Five

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changes, humanity, inspiration, lessons learned, life, observations, sharing, thoughts, time, timeless, truth

Traceless are the ways of good men

Moving as a shadow simply by reflecting the moment

There is wisdom and fortune in leaving no wake

We are taught to leave a legacy but get lost in ego

We are taught to project but cannot hear for the very noise of ourselves

This suggest we are more than we actually are

Timeless people care not for the messiness of the self

Timeless people choose the journey of the soul and let go of all else

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day 2

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body, Creativity, culture, development, Existence, faith, family, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, mind, observations, research, sharing, space, spirit, students, thoughts, training, truth, waiting, work, Writing

Not Knowing

I literally have no idea what I am doing. Seriously, I have no clue. I realize this as it has been this way my entire life. I suspect this is the way it is going to be for the rest of my life as well. Why would it be any different? I look back over the span of my existence and not once have I ever felt as if I knew, truly knew, what I was doing. Even as I write this I recognize that I have never felt comfortable with my written voice.

As a young person I spent most of my time asking questions about how and why. I have a vivid memory of asking my parents what was before God. I was always inquiring about things trying to understand the unknown, the unseen and the unattainable. To this end I feel not knowing encouraged the inquisitive nature I carry with me today. For this I am grateful for not knowing but willing to ask questions.

Somewhere along the way my curiosity was squelched by don’t ask don’t tell. Recognizing my sexuality very early on reflected negatively on my inquisitive self. I became more internally focused on keeping myself secret and hidden that I left one of the best assets of myself on the shelf in the closet hidden behind imposed fear.

The culture in which I grew up in pressured normalcy. This being the traditional boy who plays sports, likes cars, likes rock and roll….etc. So when a boy like me goes to play baseball and has no clue what the damn sport is about let alone wanting to be there, stands in the outfield praying the ball won’t come to me. That same boy, the one fearful of going to bat, simply for the fear of not wanting to let his team members down. I knew nothing about baseball and yet I am supposed to like it. And yet, I still have to play.

The same is true for basketball. Clueless. I just don’t know or care about it and have no idea what the rules are, how to play or what professional teams area. To this day I could not name several professional teams. And for not knowing this, deeper this boy goes down the rabbit hole of not knowing. The deeper one goes, the more one feels ashamed for not knowing.

And this pattern continues, sport after sport. I did have some success in gymnastics and the little bit of wrestling I did. But still, always in a place of trying to figure things out when it seemed as if the other guys on the team know exactly what they were doing. They had been doing it for some time or had been taught by their fathers what these things were. Trying to keep up because I enjoyed my friends and secretly swimming in a sea of not knowing.

It wasn’t until high school when I decided to follow my hearts desire to be in theatre. I did so as a whim. I remember walking down the staircase while the director and set designer where walking up and I spoke up and introduced myself telling them I was going to audition. They smirked simply because they had no clue as to who I was since I had never been in any other musical or was even in choir.

That said, I knew nothing of singing other than I liked it and that I wanted to act. So I auditioned. And to my surprise, I got in. I got in and I got a leading role. Oh shit!!! I know nothing. Here I am in a musical, don’t know how to sing, don’t really know anything about theatre or musicals and I now have to do this. What the hell am I going to do? And look at these cast members who know so much. I can’t even read music.

The best thing about this experience was that not knowing anything allowed for me to interact and learn how to sing. The people who surrounded me accepted me anyway. They surrounded me and supported me in doing what I had no idea how to do. Because of this, I fell in love with the life of being in the theatre. Because of this, my life changed.

And so I decided to take signing lessons and found out about a whole new world called opera. I wanted to do that too. I wanted to do whatever it took to allow the voice of my heart to be heard by the rest of the world. I was willing to place myself in a position of courageous vulnerability still not knowing anything about the things I was doing or wanted to do.

As I trained further and further I realized after every audition that I needed to learn how to dance as not being able to was keeping me from getting work in the professional realm. So continuing on the path, I find myself taking a dance class. Oddly enough, a modern dance class. What the hell is this? But the people are so beautiful and the bodies are amazing! I feel amazing in my body when I am moving like this. I know I don’t look it since I am starting at such a late age, but none-the-less, the class goes one way and I go the other. Once again, living in the land of not knowing but now not caring.

So my entire college experience was one of not knowing and playing catch up. Always playing catch up seems to be the story of my life. And yet, as I look back, this is what trained my eyes to see movement the way I do. This is what trained me to heal like I do. This is what has trained me to teach as I do. This is what trained me to make dances like I do. The constant state of not knowing has forced a reality on me that I could never have figured out in a state of knowing. EBAS was created out of an injury due to not knowing my body fully or how it truly functions.

So as I stand in front of my classroom in sea of bodies, I know what it is like to not know. As a matter of fact I stand in front of my students every day not knowing. But what this forces me to do is stand in front of them and to see them. To truly see their bodies and the potential that lies within. It forces me to listen to their voices and to help them figure out what it means to learn more about this thing they love. And because we all love it, we work diligently on trying to figure it out.

Yet, with all things that are magical, there is no real knowing it. I still do not know this thing called dance. There is so much I don’t know I am not sure I should be doing what I do. The one thing I am sure of is that I know I do good. I see it in the bodies in front of me and I see it in the physical transformations of my student’s body, mind and spirit. Of all the things I don’t know, the light in their eyes and hearts I do know. And for this, I am gladly going along the path of continual not knowing. Perhaps I will stumble on some kind of intelligence. Maybe not the academic intelligence forced on us by our culture and societal norms, but a body knowledge that is the knowledge of humanity. This is I know is right for me. This I know is right for my soul.