Small Moments/Small Breaths

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art, changes, Dance, Dance Appreciation, Dance Forms, dance makers, dance making, dancer makers, dancers, dancing, Existence, faith, humanity, learning, lessons learned, me, observations, sharing, space, thoughts, truth

Small Moments/Small Breaths

Strangled by the separation of bodies in motion in shared spaces and the need to push forward in “uncertain” times I have finally come to a point where I no longer feel confident and secure in pushing forward. Sure, I have had to find the strength and courage to be there for the students and to be able to find the ability to keep on keeping on, but honestly, it has been a lot to carry and at times hard to breathe.

Once classes had ended I found myself a drift in these new spaces and new ways of figuring out what to do. Like so many, I struggled with not being able to be in the same space with all of these incredible bodies searching, striving and living the beauty of a body in motion artfully shaping space with incredible precision and grace. The lack of being present in the moment of transformation hurts the kinetic spirits of a community of movement. And no matter how much I am supposed to be brave, confident and courageous, alas I don’t think I am succeeding.

In  many ways this is good to be able to recalibrate and ask so many necessary questions. I believe this as well as believe that in the end this will be a moment of courageous change and a necessary shift for the field and for how dance lives in academia. Truth be told I have never seen myself as a “company” kind of artist nor one that is constantly academically justifying outcomes in an art form that, for me, is all about the process of discovery.

Within the context of this time, how do we reframe the ways in which we see ourselves within the field, within the our process and within our dreams? When being a body in artful motion has been in many ways irreversibly changed, how does one continue to find the surface of the waters of darkness to just catch a little breath to fill the lungs of hope?

Of course I am moving! I still continue to share EBAS classes with folks from all over finding new discoveries and new ways of being in communion. Sure I take long walks with Beathan and find myself in motion on so many levels. Yet, my heart is broken by the inability to be in communities of movement artists to grapple with new concepts and ideas together while watching and encouraging play and exploration.

As many know I am very much an introvert but being in a classroom either leading or collaborating is the way in which I am able to find connection, compassion and a fulfilled heart. I must say being alone isn’t lonely when the work you do on a daily basis is in community and in the love and passion for your work.

One of the things I love most about teaching is the extremely intimate hands on approach that I engage in with my students. I have healing hands and consider myself more a healer than a teacher, choreographer or artist. Certainly more so than an academic. Be that as it may, when the ability to physically connect and create a space of sensorial exploration and transformation is removed from your daily experience, it is crushing and suffocating to say the least.

So now that having to put on my big boy pants and carry on has come to a close, I must admit I am at a loss now that even the smallest amount of connection to movement and students has dried up. Now it is a matter of asking questions and spending a great deal of time accessing new ways of moving and perhaps new ways of making. Yet, I am not interested in the many forms that people are suggesting and pretending that it is just the way we have to carry on. I certainly understand that we need to move forward and figure it out, but still my heart breaks at the love lost in the ways that have meant so much to me.

Truth be told I am not a dance for camera person. It is a great field and there is so much great work happening, but it is simply just not something for me. Many of the directions we are being asked to explore are not for me nor am I particularly interested in being a part of. There are so many wonderful artists already doing this great work and exploring those avenues. I am just not one of them. No, I am one of those artists that lives and breathes the body and craves the discoveries and all the wisdom that a body in motion shares in that process. Is it so wrong to JUST want to be that? Is it a crime to not want to pretend that I am desperately afraid of losing the kind of physical corporeal wisdom that I value above all else?

So then why is it I feel I am not connecting to all of these new ways and that I am just not capable of pretending to be “going with the flow”? While I mourn the loss of contact and the physicality and exuberance of training and performing, do I still have to pretend that all of this doesn’t matter? Is pretending that the heart is broken and still carrying on a healthy thing to do or can we breathe and ask ourselves the kinds of questions we need to ask in a more calm, rational and open space?

This is the thing about calamity, we turn into very reactive individuals trying to solve problems that we have no answers for but feel we need to do it in the first place simply because we are falling prey to the corporatization of academia, the field and the prioritization of outcome or product driven models of success. Wouldn’t it be the time to breathe and ask ourselves some deep seated questions about how to move forward while truly addressing issues in the field that have continued to be overlooked? Would it be nice to stop the train and have conversations that are necessary in having to actually work in community rather than work as individuals in a community cloaked in the very models of suppression that exist?

I would most certainly welcome the space and time to share and grapple with how we are all feeling and move from a place of empathetic understanding as the beginnings of discovering the kind of field that is necessary at this time and the kind of field dance has the potential to be. If we find ourselves coupling together in the energy of survival, how are we asking ourselves clear questions through the lens of creative change instead?

In my meditations I keep on hearing the body whisper “small movements. small breaths”. It is a recurring phrase that I hear but am not quite sure how to translate. The one thing I do know is it is suggesting small and conscious steps through conscious movement with conscious breath. I also think it is a response to the broken heart missing movement, connection and the joy of that collaboration. Perhaps slowing down into the present moment of every action with the awareness of that moment is the best way for me at this time to find the courage and confidence to breathe deeply in movement again.

Perhaps this is all I have to hold on at this moment as I figure out where I wish to go next. Perhaps this is the way of asking myself the questions of my intentions within the field and the kind of artist I wish to be moving forward. Perhaps this is the moment to question whether the kind of artist I am is viable at this moment or will the way I have loved working ever have value in the same way. Perhaps small movement and small breaths will be the way in which I am able to answer these questions finding a path the brings peace back to my heart.

Honoring the Space of Loss

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allowing, forgiveness, grace, gratitude, Greif, here after, hope, letting go, light, Loss, love, space

It is amazing how much space there is in the absence of love. Deep vacuous space in which a magnanimous soul inhabited. Recognizing this immense openness I become aware of the enormity of the spirit that existed here and am strangely filled with an incredible admiration and gratitude for being present in its grace.

I am also deeply aware of the energy and light that filled this space and all that was given to me. I have been graced with an incredible gift unlike I have ever known before.

As I absorb and simultaneously absolve my grief, I do not desire to diminish or close off the space that remains due to loss of physical presence. What I realize is I must embrace the absence of body and let it remain open and filled with spirit and the essence of the very love of that spirit. Thus, the space is honored by the immense peace that continues to resonate from it.

Love and the loss of physical presence does not mean that love is lost at all. All it does mean is that we need to celebrate and honor it in just a different way so as to let it continue to grow within us. You see the space of love is not meant to be filled or diminished. As a matter of fact, just the opposite is what the gift of loss is.

What I have come to understand is that what happens next is to find the courage and the strength to expand the heart even more to create even more opportunity to let love in again. Just as the universe continues to expand so too shall our hearts. So too shall we mirror and reflect this growth and so too shall we encourage and welcome even more love than we ever felt or knew possible.

I have been graced with such big love that I shall feel graced once again if I only risk to push open my heart and allow for the bigness of a heart as wide as the expansive universe itself.

If I have the courage to do this then then I have the conviction to welcome all the love there is. And if I welcome all the love there is, I have truly honored the love of the space that is left and that I embrace and live within at this moment. I am reminded once again and it is confirmed; there is no loss and there is no loss of love.

With gratitude for the forever graciousness of every being I have ever shared a moment,

Scott

Learning to Recognize the Moment of Transformation

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art, changes, faith, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, observations, sharing, space, thoughts, truth

There comes a time when we recognize the moment in which our life turns a corner. That realization to face the change with courage, dignity and humility is a quintessential pivot in our consciousness as well as in our well-being. This is a defining moment and one that will transform us and our lives completely.

Often times we are unable to recognize these miraculous moments due to the cacophony of noise that surrounds our everyday existence not to mention the noise residing in our own mind. When we are immersed in such noise we know we have succumbed to the betrayal of our authentic selves and have fallen into the falsehood of intellect rather than the intelligence of the heart.

One way to unravel this strangle hold is to immerse oneself into the reorganization of the physical body through conscious training by cultivating an intimate relationship in which the body is the tool to reestablish our relationship to ourselves. This is crucial to being able to create both the physical and emotional space for realigning the vibrations of a healthy being.

There are so many ways to go about this awakening. So many movement modalities and practices that one can connect with to foster a healthy relationship with mind/body. Whatever the practice you choose, give it time. Patience is a required element in the equation for peace and physical and spiritual well-being. Allowing yourself to explore time in an unconventional way so as to suspend habitual or conditional thinking will nurture a new physical paradigm.

Just as it takes time to train the ears to hear, the eyes to see and the heart to speak; so too is it necessary to give space to time to press open a moment allowing the body to unravel itself through its own weight and its own wisdom. Give yourself to the magnitude of your being so as to recognize the moment when the universe opens the door to the greatest road map for success, prosperity and spiritual bliss.

Borderland

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body, body knowledge, Chi, Energy, faith, healing, humanity, light, space, truth, well being, wellness

I live in the Borderland. It is a space between Here and Now, Before and After and the Known and Unknown. It is a vast space of reality in which many are called and seldom journey; A space of infinite physical wisdom and healing understood by all beings of this world. It is a silent, unspoken culture in which miracles live and breathe. Because of this great energy and light physical and emotional healing coexist. This is an immense and immeasurable vibration that surround all creatures enveloping them in the waters of creativity and life.

When in the Borderland one has great faith in the miracles of the healing body. You are encouraged to allow the body to do what it was designed to do; to heal itself and to know the journey of wellness through being one with the body’s brain and the Borderland itself. Listen to the body and you will transport yourself to this space of wellness. Listen to your body and you will be graced with an abundance of healing. The body craves wellness which is its optimal place of being. It longs to return to the Borderland to be whole.

have faith in the miracles of the body and you will know the power of relentless possibility. You will find yourself within an intelligent body that understands what it needs and how to achieve the state of wellness. When you listen, you will know yourself. And when you allow yourself this immense vulnerability, you will have allowed yourself the journey to the Borderland.

This Is What I Do.

Tags

art, Ballet, contemporary ballet, contemporary dance, Dance, dancing, humanity, inspiration, lessons learned, space, truth, work

In my movement meditations I often return to the grateful mind space and acknowledge that I am so very fortunate to be here in this space and at this time. There have been countless times when life should have been taken from me save some miraculous cradling of the universe itself. Too many unexplainable events which should have erased me from this moment. And in those brief seconds of recollection, I am reminded to once again be grateful.

And so it is with this sensibility that I find myself in connection and concert with others bodies and their hearts. I have not chosen the path of the empath, but I certainly have learned how to embrace it as best I can. And still, I have much learning on how to be even better with these skills I have been given. With such skill comes a responsibility that known really knows how to prepare for.

I do what I do not for the same reasons others do this profession. Dance is not my life nor is the teaching of dance my life. Yes, I do make dances and I do shape dancers, but there is something far more profound that I take part in that often gets lost in the overall ego consuming work of this field. That work is the transformation of body and spirit through the bridge building of conscious sensation. One can never go back once one understands the power of synesthesia.

This moment of connected consciousness and the empowerment that happens for those individuals that understand the undeniable energy available to them is unquestionably the moment I live for. The moment of physical embodiment and enlightenment of the pure power of potential one possesses. It is this moment that transforms the spirit as it unravels the many untruths it has learned through fear and shame.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Fourteen

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ageing, changes, Existence, faith, health, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, observations, space, thoughts

The Boy Within

 

This morning I leaned in and asked myself who this salt and pepper faced man was in place of me at my bathroom sink. I stared into his eyes as a razor peeled back the faint hint of myself. It is me who stands in this mans body. It is I, the boy within. When did I become this man I do not recognize as self? Who’s body is this that I cannot feel as my own? When did the feelings of a boy become the body of a man?

 

It is a funny feeling to recognize oneself and yet not feel as if you are the person that stands in front of your reflection. Time has passed and yet it has not changed the youthful and inquisitive spirit within. I don’t feel as if I am any different on the inside than I did when I was young man embarking on a life of physical kinetic bliss. I still believe I am capable of so much physical articulation and authenticity. And yet, time has been speaking to my body and I have not been paying attention.

 

Am I naïve to think this boy within is telling me the truth or should I listen to the shell of myself and fall to the prescribed image and generally accepted truth that ageing is unkind? Should I listen to my heart that speaks of laughter, joy and love and the willingness to be open to love or should I accept that I will be alone and loveless simply because of the face staring back at me seems to be weary with time?

 

Do I lie to myself that I am beginning once again and that to be in this space of renewal is a part of a positive outlook on life or should I swallow the truth of the world that encourages me to grow old gracefully? Does this mean I acquiesce to the idea of aging? Has my spiritual belief system clouded my reality with the idea of living energetically well ignoring the fact that time still passes and ravages the physical?

 

I pulled myself away from the mirror to continue to get ready for the day ahead. A day full of movement guided by a consciousness that only I can know of myself. What I see on the inside is a body open and willing to do what I request. What I see on the outside is not the external representation of that thought.

 

And so I go forward to begin again; to become again. I am a beginners mind in a experienced body. And if I listen more keenly, might I understand more readily the needs of this physical self. May I reintroduce myself, this boy within, to the man that carries him around.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Thirteen

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changes, faith, health, humanity, life, me, observations, sharing, space, thoughts

If I told you bodies speak to me, you wouldn’t believe me.

If I told you I see pain within the pathways of your muscles, you would think me mad.

If I told you your heart has made a map of your skin, you would laugh at the absurdity.

If I told you your past stands next to you strangling your life, you might recognize that feeling and question your belief that my madness and absurdity might be your chance for freedom.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Nine

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changes, faith, health, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, observations, sharing, society, space, thoughts, truth

There are moments when you observe the overwhelming convergence of goodness in your life confirming your hearts desire. Time and again we are being encouraged to keep going and to keep moving forward on the path of light we have chosen. If we are not careful to listen, we may miss these omens and grow discouraged about how the journey is proceeding. Listen more carefully to what the universe whispers and you will be reminded of where you are and what is next.

What is really amazing about all of this is that in so many of our conversations with people, friends or simply just acquaintances, you will recognize the truths that are hidden in plain sight. You will also recognize images and moments that insight is being dropped in your lap. There is confirmation that you are on the right track all the time. Lifting our head out of our phones and into others eyes will be a first step. Opening our ears to the quieter moments and the silences in between will also find us many a clue.

And if you are finding yourself in troubled times at present, there are whispers for you too. The question is, are you willing to do what is being asked of you? Are you willing to take the action necessary to turn your ship around? Are you willing to be patient enough to let the solution come to you in ways that will right the sails of your life? Correcting and recalibrating are also part of the many gifts being sent our ways on a daily basis. Being present enough to listen is the key once again.

It is much like the training of dance. How does one listen to the body to know truly where it is in space and if in fact we are in true alignment with ourselves and not just being held hostage by the perception of the body in conditioned space. Yes, we have been conditioned by so many factors outside of ourselves to blind us to who it is we are and what this physical gift is actually trying to accomplish. Becoming acquainted with your true physicality with a keen consciousness, you will find the shift and change of both the physical and emotional self with far less energy output and more energetic recycling.

And this of course is the truth with all physical practices and modalities. Find yourself in the true nature of your being letting yourself feel who you are, and you will experience great joy and fulfillment. Being present to be able to listen to the lost language of space. So much information about the secrets of the world live inside the silence of space.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Eight

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art, changes, faith, health, Home, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, observations, space, training, travel, truth, work, Writing

On this day I pause to absorb the incredible light that is this life, my life. I am so full of gratitude for so much goodness that it is truly hard to compose the joy. I smile as I sit here and write this as I am once again reminded that I have been given the gift of a voice to use it to express myself in so many different ways. I have been give the gift of expression through movement, song and word. For this I am grateful and for this I shall sing.

As I woke today I was kissed on the cheek by Bradford as he so lovingly assures me that it is in fact to get up and there is no more time left for this sleeping thing. The time is now to start paying attention to his wishes and needs along with his brother. I mean it is morning and it is time for a romp in the yard and that thing they love called breakfast. What is really beautiful is that he will wait patiently after the first little kiss and stare at me until I stir. Gentle breathing with his head rested on my arm.

And so I enter my day, this day of celebration through the act of gratitude. It is my goal to pay attention to all of the beautiful moments this day brings. Paying attention to the beautiful energy and soul of my home and my sanctuary that continually folds me into itself and revitalizes my spirit. The energy of a home should be that of a sacred space that recharges ones spirit by letting them feel safe as they are surrounded by both energetic and physical blessings.

I have no plans to do anything special except be extra grateful for this life. I celebrate all that is my present, honor all that is my past and open my heart to all that is to be. I open myself to what is to come and know without a doubt there is magic in store. So much more than I can plan or scheme. I open my spirit and welcome the energies of the vast infinite universe to move whatever it is I need into my path. When this happens, it will be as natural as breath itself.

I once again was reminded of this yesterday when I was out looking for a new work to add to my collection and to my walls. I have been wanting a David Cressman for some time now as his paintings really speak to me. I cam across them a while ago and have been keeping an eye out for them and an opportunity to become a keeper of his art. I went through and found a Holly Markoff that complimented a work of hers I have and was about to walk out the door when something told me to walk to a corner of the gallery that I have not been to before. As I turned I could feel the calling of the beautiful work on that wall.

Not only was I standing in front of a wall of David Cressman, but my eye immediately was drawn to a work which consisted of a beautiful landscape with none other than the Eiffel Tower and the wonderful bridges of the Seine. The light in this work is glorious. As a matter of fact the piece is titled Golden Light of Paris. How perfect. And so, without question, the time was now to fold this new work into my sacred abode and add it to the ever expanding collection of incredible work. It was time.

And so I sit here writing as it hangs just over my left shoulder on a wall of work that brings my heart joy. Many of the works are from and/or are about the places that steel my heart. Paris, Tuscany and Santa Fe. There are also landscapes that honor Virginia and all of its beauty. The paintings remind me of the beauty that surrounds me at home to anchor me while I have the privilege of experiencing the magic of the city of light and the birthplace of the renaissance. Light speaks to me. Light speaks to my heart.

I am grateful I am able to listen. I am thankful that I have been able to create the space to listen. At first I was overwhelmed by what I could hear and see, but learned how to quiet the added noise that often times surrounds the song and focus in on listening to what was being shared. So much is given to us about the magic of this world and universe. So much truth is before our eyes on a daily basis and I am just thankful that I have opened my heart to tune into those truths and find peace in doing so.

When I look at my students, their bodies speak to me. Their truths of who they are and the desires for where they want to be whisper clearly. Their bodies reach out and ask for health and wellness. Their spirits are open. Even if they do not know they speak this, their spirits are speaking loud and clear. And for this, I have to listen. I am so thankful I am able to listen. I am so honored to be in this place of healing and well being.

You know I don’t really consider myself a teacher. I do not consider myself a choreographer. I don’t consider myself an artist either. I long ago claimed what I am and have been doing my work from that space for some time now. When I realized that what I was was different than what I was hoping to be, I was able to admit to myself that my spirit is actually a healer. From the moment of that acceptance of fate, I let go of needing to be good at what I do or respected for what I made. I stepped into myself and began to listen to bodies and how they wanted to live and live in the space.

I sing dances into being by listening to the voices of the bodies in front of me. I carve space with illuminating bodies in which vibrant with the soul of the work. When all forms are tuned to the essence of the work, I know the work is satisfied and it can be itself in this world. The same is true when the body vibrates openly so that the pathways are aligned and open to carry the body to well being to be able to physicalize work. There are layers to the making and creating of bodies and bodies of light in space. It all starts with the healing of these bodies through the reeducation of the physical self to align with the spiritual self.

And for this I am grateful. I am grateful I can celebrate knowing who I am. Thankful that I have accepted my deepest self and that I have not run away from myself out of fear. How glorious it is to walk the stillness of knowing oneself and celebrating with humility that this life has been a beautiful choice of grace and light. I celebrate the very essence of who I am and recognize, as well as honor, this amazingly beautiful life I have been graciously allowed to live.

And so I walk into my 48th year knowing that with an open heart magic will reveal itself to me always. There will be light laid beneath my feet so I will know where to step. The will be instructions given if I continue to listen. There will be blessings beyond imagining simply by being. May I continue to be as I circle the sun once again.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Four

Tags

animals, art, changes, dogs, Home, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, space, truth, work

The quiet of a Sunday morning is one of the most grounding and calming times of the week. Waking to the gentle and patient kisses of Bradford while the rest of the world is still sleeping is such a moment of clarity. He wakes me not to go out, but to be cuddled and to be rubbed. He gets as close as he can without getting inside my skin so he can role over and give his belly to me. He loves this time. Perhaps one of his favorite also.

Baxter on the other hand climbs up and stands on my chest only to lay down on it releasing all of his weight upon me. He prefers to stare into my eyes until my free hand can rub underneath his chin. He has never been a huge cuddler, but when he does, he pours all of his weight into you.

So from this waking bliss we move through the ritual of letting out, feeding and preparing for some after breakfast outside time. Baxter in particular likes his time outside. He loves nothing more than to sit and watch life, and the occasional cat, pass bay. He lifts his head ever so gently to smell the neighborhood. He will sit for long periods of time just taking in the day.

Bradford on the other hand likes to sit next to me as I move through my own rituals of the AM. He is patient to allow me to go through my motions and process my day. He sits quietly right at my feet as I write and sip that wonderful morning coffee. He also likes to cuddle as close as he can when we move into our cycle of reading.

After a while though, it becomes very clear that Baxter is ready to explore the neighborhood and the city. He loves a good walk and gets terribly excited when he is asked if it is time. I am convinced he understands english and if he could talk, he would speak it as well. I am also convinced he can spell. But that is for another time.

And so the morning takes us out into the quiet of a Sunday. It tends to be much more calm outside on a Sunday. Streets are clear, not a person in sight and the parks open for the free running of the hounds. They love getting off leash to run as fast as they can to smell all they can before having to start the journey back. If it is a warmer day, we do the long walk along the park trails and the flood wall. This is what they really love.

When the weather turns much warmer and the river water catches up, there will be an element of swimming involved as well. Baxter could stay in the water all day if allowed. Bradford likes to wade, but Baxter loves to go on long swims to fetch whatever is thrown. He won’t fetch on land, but in the water, he would go for hours.

And after all of this, we return home to the quiet of our sanctuary. They pass out and I dive more deeply into the dreams of my books or the manifesting of my work. So much work is done in these few waking hours on a Sunday that I hold them sacred. I hold them dear. They are the moments in the week that rejuvenate and inspire for the week to come. If it weren’t for these rituals shared with these two boys, I would not have the peace that I do.