Strangling the Man Within

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being a man, Conscious Living, Courageous Vulnerability, faith, gay, humanness, love, sensitivity, Soul to Soul, spirit, Suffocate, vulnerability, Vulnerable, vulnerablitiy

Strangling the Man Within

As young boys we are taught to be strong. We are conditioned to not cry, show weakness or reveal any kind of fear. Image after image floods our minds with what it means to “be a man”. This cultural and societal training is suffocating for so many of us regardless of the spectrum sexual or masculine identity we possess at such a young age. 

This is a wheel of conditioning and constructing that has been turning, and continues to turn, that we most often don’t see or recognize it happening to us and around us. Oftentimes we don’t even have an inkling of what is happening because we have never seen or have been exposed to anything or anyone like ourselves due to the strangling of sensitivity by a cultural preference to hyper masculinity. 

Upon reflection, I had no idea what I was even doing to myself or others in the name of this conditioning. In all of this heartwork I have been doing I am unraveling the pain and hurt caused by the conflict of my sensitivity in a time of being a man. As a boy I had such a difficult time squaring my sensitivity in a world that couldn’t understand them. And for a little boy,this hurt deeply. 

Being so developmentally young I was raw within the conflict and having to live in these surroundings. This conflict then comes out in only the ways conflict can. Rage, fear, hurt, pain, anger and heartache forces you into lockdown so as not to reveal who one is but to in fact hide our true nature in addition to all of the pain simply to keep one safe. 

This safety is in fact a prison. We imprison ourselves to close off in order to survive or hide our sensitive energies. With our limited understanding we close out the world by desensitizing ourselves in the hopes of our own survival. We do so because it is all we know to find some kind of peace within all of this conflict. 

Yet, we all know this is the furthest thing from peace. We struggle to belong. I struggled deeply to belong. I did my best to survive by living around the edges so as to keep my sensitivity in check, often never understanding why I was always on the outside looking “in”. Mind you, I was somehow able to do so with love in my heart which is what I attribute to why I had so many friends and why I was so liked. All of this despite my conflict. 

One memory I have of a moment of hurt was with my dad that constantly reminds me of where I was and what I was feeling within. This was early in my teenage years before I was able to drive. My dad picked me up from a gathering of friends and something had happened during that gathering that deeply hurt me. 

As we were on the way home I was doing my best to hold back my tears and reveal my pain. Clearly I was not fully capable of hiding my sensitivity on all occasions. Who is? And so my weeping, my tears fell into the lap of silence. 

Moments like this were difficult for my dad. His conditioning did not train him how to engage with a young man who is not like what is expected or what he expected of a son. To his credit he was able to dialogue with me and try to figure out what was bothering me. It was very bold of him to try and I was appreciative of this. 

During the ride, as we were getting closer to home, he said something that has stuck with me my entire life. He said “you just have to learn how not to wear your heart on your sleeve”. Translated it says that in order to be happy you must not let yourself show vulnerability or weakness by being sensitive. 

And just like that, one retreats. We remove the heart from our sleeves and throw them out the car window in order to keep ourselves safe in hopes of success. Not sure how successful we can be as men if we are no longer living with a heart that we have thrown away. 

So we do our best to carry on with our sensitivity locked away and our hearts abandoned on the side of the road. I wonder how many hearts are lying in disarray on all the highways we travel daily? How many young boys and men have abandoned our hearts simply to belong to something that isn’t even in line with who we are? 

Is it a wonder why we live in conflict, create conflict and perpetuate conflict? Is it a wonder why we are incapable of long lasting relationships that we so desperately desire and want? Despite our sensitivity we have not learned that it is safe to move about the world without hiding ourselves from it.  

It is possible to return to the side of the road and retrieve one’s heart. I have done it. In order to do the heartwork for our spiritual salvation we must return to the side of the road where we have left it. Go back, stop the car and get out to pick it back up. Put it back on your sleeve and let it begin to beat deeply and find its way and your way home. 

Know this, you are a boy, a teen, a young man and a man regardless of where you fall in the “masculinity” and sensitivity spectrum. Regardless of your affiliation, identity or sexuality; you are a man. And this man can be sensitive. This man can be loving. This man can be vulnerable. This man can simply be the man that they are. You can be the man you are. And it is your heart that will tell you so. 

Let that man speak again. Let that man feel again. 

I Think The Butterfly Knows

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acceptance, butterfly, change, changes, faith, inevitability, mindfulness, new beginning, new life, patience, peace, time, transformation, vulnerablitiy

I think the butterfly knows the hardship of transformation. They know the process takes time and understand that patience and faith are its only weapon.

I think the butterfly knows what it means to be vulnerable as on is left suspended with little defense waiting for the change. 

I think the butterfly knows the inevitability of change and what it must require of ones being to accept ones individual path to beauty and well-being. 

I think the butterfly knows how to embrace temporality as their life span is but such a small blip on the radar of time. 

I think the butterfly knows the value of being present and to welcome the tumultuous and dynamic physical shift that must occur in order to take flight. 

I think the butterfly knows what most of us human beings need to know; patience faith, vulnerability inevitability, acceptance, mindfulness and peace. 

Yes, without a doubt, I think the butterfly knows! 

Wisdom and Wellness Resides Within

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art, change, changes, courageous heart, empathy, heart, inspiration, learning, life, light, love, loving, observations, shifting paradigm, together, transformation, vulnerablitiy

I have been feeling compelled to sit down and reach out through writing once again. Looking at the date of the last post I realize I have been away for quite some time. I believe the last post was dated October first and now we are over six months beyond that. And boy has so much transpired and has changed since then. This is exactly the topic of thought that has been speaking to me recently and the need for this particular sharing.

Mind you, even despite all the recent and unprecedented shifts that the entire world has been required to take notice of, transformation has been taking place for me on many levels for quite some time now. Change that I feel has been necessary and honestly long overdue. I am just grateful I have been able to recognize the importance of that change for myself and for all of those I have ever or will ever come into contact.

The biggest most impactful impetus for deepening my spiritual and internal relationship with myself was when I began to ask questions about what there was left for me to do now that both of my boys had passed, relationship ended and being no longer in love with dance? It was an empty and bleak time of sadness, grief, and disappointment. What is left when the darkness seems to be holding your breath and your heart hostage?

Lucky for me I was doing a great deal of meditation to cope and to somehow find my breath and my heart again. In one meditation I was doing for the new year I was simply doing my best to focus on breath and to listen to my body as I have always required of my students. This particular meditation brought to  my awareness a line that said a few times “just look”. So after that meditation I felt like I understood what that meant and reached for my computer to do just that, just look.

What was I looking for, I knew I was looking for a love that needed me and a being that perhaps would shake my heart into remembering there are so many beings in need of each and everyone of us and that we are necessary and important energies to and for one another. And in this instance, I knew it was a dog. They have always been significant for me on so many levels and I knew at this point it was what the message was saying. Just look for a dog.

So there I was after my meditation opening a computer to see if there was a dog that was speaking to me; and almost as immediately as I got on the site did my little one reach out through technology releasing the strangle hold on my heart. I knew when I looked into his soulful eyes that he needed me and I most definitely needed him. But what was the likelihood this adorable puppy was still available? Well if you are a believer in synchronicity as I am, you know without a doubt things will be as they need be. And with that and a bunch of simple steps, he became mine.

This change to matter for something or someone changes us. Recognizing that we are in fact necessary for the well-being of others and that we all have tremendous gifts to give, way beyond the value of money, is transformational in and of itself. This kind of awakening is the beginning of understanding our individual ability to access a resilience that is undeniable and incredibly powerful. There is great power within when we allow ourselves to let others in despite the unmistakeable necessity of vulnerability.

Being in this state and recognizing the need for each one of us to understand we have something to offer and that we are capable of so much more than we are able to fathom in this moment is crucial. This along with accepting that we too need others in all kinds of ways to fulfill what it means to be full so we can be fully human. It is after all those that surround us who fill us up with so much that we are able to allow ourselves to have such incredible human experiences necessary for living in love.

So for the past year and a half I have been doing my best to make shifts and changes in my life that welcomes a sense of being present and aware in and of my actions. I have worked at creating more space before I speak or allowing space for others to speak. I have tried to listen to my students more by creating more space for them to feel and to recognize their bodies are speaking to them and that this space for reflection is when we can open ourselves up to this great sensorial listening. The body has so much to say and is such an incredible gift to our wellness both physically and energetically.

Slow and steady revealing of oneself is an effort filled and conscious choice we must make in order to live more energetically fulfilling lives that are well balanced, congruent and more heartfelt. It takes patience and fortitude to build a resiliency in order to give ourselves over to accepting transformation. If we are able to quiet the voice of fear we will be able to turn up the volume of our body. Once we are able to listen, we will be able to transform. It is with corporeal wisdom that we are then able to see more clearly because we are now seeing and sensing from our hearts.

Currently we are living in a frenetic and trying time. So much chaos, uncertainty and fear. And rightly so. It is a new world and one that will need a great deal of breath, compassion, empathy and love to navigate through. Yet, accepting and acknowledging that this is difficult, heartbreaking, uncomfortable and unknown is such a very great place to be in recognizing that we have a choice to welcome and embrace change and therefor be the transformation necessary for our own lives and for the lives of others. This is the time for acceptance of the self and all that we are capable of becoming and learning through being present in the midst of instability. This is resilience and thus becomes resourceful and soulful.

I must admit I am rather excited about having to shift my work into a whole new medium for myself. I accept I have a huge learning curve but also acknowledge that my students do too. We can do this together. I can be a person who might create the space for us to navigate and grapple with these shifts through the training of the body through our EBAS practice as well as creating work and making work work for us. This process is not only artistic but simultaneously is healing and heartening. We will discover what we are made of and that what we are made of is ever so beautiful and divine.

I am looking forward to creating space to allow my students to look within to find their wellspring of heart and of voice. I am looking forward to the changes I will see in myself as I do my best to welcome being present and in being forgiving of self and of others during the process. I am viewing this necessity of change as yet another part of my growth spiritually, emotionally and artistically. I recognize this is something that perhaps I have been needing and that perhaps we have all been needing. I for one am seeing my work with new eyes and with a new heart.

May we all find a way to welcome the wisdom of wellness to speak to us as we quiet ourselves through movement and the changes necessary to thrive. May we reach out if we need help. May we reach out to give hope. May we be with others in ways unknown but yet critically important. May we be the light to fill others so that we all shine for and with one another. May love light this way.

Revealing the Light

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changes, courageous heart, Courageous Vulnerability, development, Existence, fear, friends, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, light, love, sharing, society, thoughts, truth, Vulnerable, vulnerablitiy, Writing

There is light within us all. Regardless of where we come from, what we believe, who we are or what we have done; light resides in each and every one of us and animates our souls. Sometimes this is hard to feel and to know as so many are struggling with so much and simply moving through the day is often a huge weight to bear. And yet, I assure you there is light within. After all you are the light of the universe and that light is in the very essence of your DNA.

So how does one journey to reveal the light within? How is it that we can find a way to peel away the institution of crippling fear? There is no simple answer nor direct path, but there is a place to start. That starting point is learning to claim your light by recognizing that vulnerability is your greatest asset as well as the seed of what makes you uniquely you and gives authenticity to your voice as a beautiful light filled human being with something to offer this world.

Yes, vulnerability is the place where you must live to stand in the face of your fear. Standing on the legs of a courageous heart takes work and it takes pride. Be proud of what you are even if it is not the same as the people around you or like any other person you know. Be proud to state your name, your love, your vision and your truth. Be mindful not to hide away what you deem to be unworthy or not good enough. Doing so will hold you back from what your soulful desires actually are.

As a child I lived in a place of vulnerability and truth but allowed the world around me swallow that innocence and love. Scolded and shamed into no longer trusting the instincts and visions, a young boy became a young man who hid away what others did not understand or even know possible. Hiding the abilities that have been so graciously given strangles the very nature of our true being. And if we are not living in our most honest and vulnerable selves, we are no longer living because we no longer live in the presence of unconditional love. We no longer reside in the place of self love that is necessary for every single relationship we encounter be it romantic and otherwise.

So now I stand in courageous vulnerability to face the fears that have overcome the child within and the wisdom of the heart. Fear is no longer welcome when light shines on its darkness. When light shines it creates shadow. On the other side of shadow is a place for fear for we need to know it is there at all times but our awareness of it is partly what powers and empowers us to stand and face it. Peeling back the layers of a closed heart will release the light that lives in the spirit of the heart. We can stand firmly in the face of fear when we realize there is no greater place to live our lives than to be standing in the face of courageous vulnerability.

And as I challenge you, I challenge myself. As I turn to face my own fears I encourage you to do the same. Yet, do it in the ways that make sense to you and in the ways that feel right for you. We all own our own fears and therefor need to face and embrace them in the ways that work for us. Welcome tiny steps to build the kind of momentum that will transform your being. After all, momentum favors the willing. Be willing and therefor you will be. Be and you shall become.

Reveal the light that you are.

The entire light.

Fulfilling Our Humaness

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Ballet, Believing, compassion, Conscious Living, contemporary dance, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, Creative Flow, Dance, Dream, faith, hope, humanness, journey, light, love, trust, Understanding, universal consciousness, universal heart, vulnerablitiy, well being

Dare we land on our dreams? Dare we fulfill our innermost desires? Dare we find our true bliss? I say dare because most of us fear the things we want the most. Do we actually have enough courage to walk in the light of success and absorb it with humility and gratefulness?

Many are deterred by the sheer work that it takes to even follow along their own heart path, let alone thinking of what it might take to navigate the turbulent world of success, once you get there.

Is it really that much easier to acquiesce, falling back into the line of people marching in a circular direction, round and round, numb and not feeling, simply to accept mediocrity? Is this what we choose rather than fear we might just get to the ridge of our dreams, peak over and say to ourselves, “is that all there is?”

If this is our thought process, conscious or unconscious, there needs to be some serious rewiring of our thinking. Even more so, we have some serious cultural and social shifts we need to address along the way.  If these are our thoughts, perhaps we might want to start, one small step at a time, figuring out how to steer our boat into the wind. Perhaps it is time to find that winds current and hoist the sails so that we might start moving into the direction of our dreams and moving into the direction of the action.

In order for all of this, we must ask for help. We must be vulnerable enough to release our desire to manage and manufacture. We must let go of manipulation and greed, and we must accept that perhaps our dreams might even be larger than we could have ever imagined them to be.  Wouldn’t it be funny if we were not even visioning big enough, and that that might be the incongruence holding us back?

Then, what if, through allowing ourselves these things, we were able to land on our dreams? We would touch down in a place though impossible and yet now a reality. Then as we stand there, we do not ask ourselves if this is all there is, but we acknowledge our gratitude for the journey, the lessons learned along the way, and realize that this dream is what it truly means to fulfill our humanness.