Thirty Days of Thoughts: Day 1

Tags

Adventure, courage, courageous heart, Courageous Vulnerability, fear, heart, heart knowledge, heart path, journey, joy, life, listening to the heart, return, sharing, Writing

6/1/21

After a wild ride this past year it feels as if there may be room to breathe a little more easily and to put into motion all of the “heart” work that was done during the pandemic. Perhaps even a small expression of joy as the school year ends and there is space for a great exhale making room for the next big breath. 

I have decided to use this month as a writing challenge and return to a practice which scares me. Writing has never been easy for me and has created quite a large amount of trauma throughout my education in general. So to lean into this moment of joy with a challenging journey seems to be what my spirit is asking. I am turning to face the fear in order to break through for the sharing of some very exciting research. 

I would like to invite you on this thrifty day adventure of sharing whatever thoughts seem most relevant to be speaking to. I have no focus or theme other than sharing with you on a daily basis in order to connect, release and sharpen the practice of writing. I would love for you to join me in this sharing and to also to hear your perspective regardless of your lens. After all, listening to speak has been one of the key elements that have shifted ever more deeply for me over the past year and some change. 

And lastly, thank you in advance for taking the time and giving your energy and focus to the art of sharing. On some small level I would like to even challenge you to use these next thirty days as a check in for yourself as well. Set some time aside to create space within your day when you might find yourself listening with your eyes and being open to hear how your heart feels in these moments. 

May this be a transcendental adventure for us all! 

Sending light, love and levity!!!

Revealing the Light

Tags

changes, courageous heart, Courageous Vulnerability, development, Existence, fear, friends, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, light, love, sharing, society, thoughts, truth, Vulnerable, vulnerablitiy, Writing

There is light within us all. Regardless of where we come from, what we believe, who we are or what we have done; light resides in each and every one of us and animates our souls. Sometimes this is hard to feel and to know as so many are struggling with so much and simply moving through the day is often a huge weight to bear. And yet, I assure you there is light within. After all you are the light of the universe and that light is in the very essence of your DNA.

So how does one journey to reveal the light within? How is it that we can find a way to peel away the institution of crippling fear? There is no simple answer nor direct path, but there is a place to start. That starting point is learning to claim your light by recognizing that vulnerability is your greatest asset as well as the seed of what makes you uniquely you and gives authenticity to your voice as a beautiful light filled human being with something to offer this world.

Yes, vulnerability is the place where you must live to stand in the face of your fear. Standing on the legs of a courageous heart takes work and it takes pride. Be proud of what you are even if it is not the same as the people around you or like any other person you know. Be proud to state your name, your love, your vision and your truth. Be mindful not to hide away what you deem to be unworthy or not good enough. Doing so will hold you back from what your soulful desires actually are.

As a child I lived in a place of vulnerability and truth but allowed the world around me swallow that innocence and love. Scolded and shamed into no longer trusting the instincts and visions, a young boy became a young man who hid away what others did not understand or even know possible. Hiding the abilities that have been so graciously given strangles the very nature of our true being. And if we are not living in our most honest and vulnerable selves, we are no longer living because we no longer live in the presence of unconditional love. We no longer reside in the place of self love that is necessary for every single relationship we encounter be it romantic and otherwise.

So now I stand in courageous vulnerability to face the fears that have overcome the child within and the wisdom of the heart. Fear is no longer welcome when light shines on its darkness. When light shines it creates shadow. On the other side of shadow is a place for fear for we need to know it is there at all times but our awareness of it is partly what powers and empowers us to stand and face it. Peeling back the layers of a closed heart will release the light that lives in the spirit of the heart. We can stand firmly in the face of fear when we realize there is no greater place to live our lives than to be standing in the face of courageous vulnerability.

And as I challenge you, I challenge myself. As I turn to face my own fears I encourage you to do the same. Yet, do it in the ways that make sense to you and in the ways that feel right for you. We all own our own fears and therefor need to face and embrace them in the ways that work for us. Welcome tiny steps to build the kind of momentum that will transform your being. After all, momentum favors the willing. Be willing and therefor you will be. Be and you shall become.

Reveal the light that you are.

The entire light.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day Eight

Tags

art, changes, faith, health, Home, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, observations, space, training, travel, truth, work, Writing

On this day I pause to absorb the incredible light that is this life, my life. I am so full of gratitude for so much goodness that it is truly hard to compose the joy. I smile as I sit here and write this as I am once again reminded that I have been given the gift of a voice to use it to express myself in so many different ways. I have been give the gift of expression through movement, song and word. For this I am grateful and for this I shall sing.

As I woke today I was kissed on the cheek by Bradford as he so lovingly assures me that it is in fact to get up and there is no more time left for this sleeping thing. The time is now to start paying attention to his wishes and needs along with his brother. I mean it is morning and it is time for a romp in the yard and that thing they love called breakfast. What is really beautiful is that he will wait patiently after the first little kiss and stare at me until I stir. Gentle breathing with his head rested on my arm.

And so I enter my day, this day of celebration through the act of gratitude. It is my goal to pay attention to all of the beautiful moments this day brings. Paying attention to the beautiful energy and soul of my home and my sanctuary that continually folds me into itself and revitalizes my spirit. The energy of a home should be that of a sacred space that recharges ones spirit by letting them feel safe as they are surrounded by both energetic and physical blessings.

I have no plans to do anything special except be extra grateful for this life. I celebrate all that is my present, honor all that is my past and open my heart to all that is to be. I open myself to what is to come and know without a doubt there is magic in store. So much more than I can plan or scheme. I open my spirit and welcome the energies of the vast infinite universe to move whatever it is I need into my path. When this happens, it will be as natural as breath itself.

I once again was reminded of this yesterday when I was out looking for a new work to add to my collection and to my walls. I have been wanting a David Cressman for some time now as his paintings really speak to me. I cam across them a while ago and have been keeping an eye out for them and an opportunity to become a keeper of his art. I went through and found a Holly Markoff that complimented a work of hers I have and was about to walk out the door when something told me to walk to a corner of the gallery that I have not been to before. As I turned I could feel the calling of the beautiful work on that wall.

Not only was I standing in front of a wall of David Cressman, but my eye immediately was drawn to a work which consisted of a beautiful landscape with none other than the Eiffel Tower and the wonderful bridges of the Seine. The light in this work is glorious. As a matter of fact the piece is titled Golden Light of Paris. How perfect. And so, without question, the time was now to fold this new work into my sacred abode and add it to the ever expanding collection of incredible work. It was time.

And so I sit here writing as it hangs just over my left shoulder on a wall of work that brings my heart joy. Many of the works are from and/or are about the places that steel my heart. Paris, Tuscany and Santa Fe. There are also landscapes that honor Virginia and all of its beauty. The paintings remind me of the beauty that surrounds me at home to anchor me while I have the privilege of experiencing the magic of the city of light and the birthplace of the renaissance. Light speaks to me. Light speaks to my heart.

I am grateful I am able to listen. I am thankful that I have been able to create the space to listen. At first I was overwhelmed by what I could hear and see, but learned how to quiet the added noise that often times surrounds the song and focus in on listening to what was being shared. So much is given to us about the magic of this world and universe. So much truth is before our eyes on a daily basis and I am just thankful that I have opened my heart to tune into those truths and find peace in doing so.

When I look at my students, their bodies speak to me. Their truths of who they are and the desires for where they want to be whisper clearly. Their bodies reach out and ask for health and wellness. Their spirits are open. Even if they do not know they speak this, their spirits are speaking loud and clear. And for this, I have to listen. I am so thankful I am able to listen. I am so honored to be in this place of healing and well being.

You know I don’t really consider myself a teacher. I do not consider myself a choreographer. I don’t consider myself an artist either. I long ago claimed what I am and have been doing my work from that space for some time now. When I realized that what I was was different than what I was hoping to be, I was able to admit to myself that my spirit is actually a healer. From the moment of that acceptance of fate, I let go of needing to be good at what I do or respected for what I made. I stepped into myself and began to listen to bodies and how they wanted to live and live in the space.

I sing dances into being by listening to the voices of the bodies in front of me. I carve space with illuminating bodies in which vibrant with the soul of the work. When all forms are tuned to the essence of the work, I know the work is satisfied and it can be itself in this world. The same is true when the body vibrates openly so that the pathways are aligned and open to carry the body to well being to be able to physicalize work. There are layers to the making and creating of bodies and bodies of light in space. It all starts with the healing of these bodies through the reeducation of the physical self to align with the spiritual self.

And for this I am grateful. I am grateful I can celebrate knowing who I am. Thankful that I have accepted my deepest self and that I have not run away from myself out of fear. How glorious it is to walk the stillness of knowing oneself and celebrating with humility that this life has been a beautiful choice of grace and light. I celebrate the very essence of who I am and recognize, as well as honor, this amazingly beautiful life I have been graciously allowed to live.

And so I walk into my 48th year knowing that with an open heart magic will reveal itself to me always. There will be light laid beneath my feet so I will know where to step. The will be instructions given if I continue to listen. There will be blessings beyond imagining simply by being. May I continue to be as I circle the sun once again.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day 2

Tags

body, Creativity, culture, development, Existence, faith, family, humanity, inspiration, learning, lessons learned, life, me, mind, observations, research, sharing, space, spirit, students, thoughts, training, truth, waiting, work, Writing

Not Knowing

I literally have no idea what I am doing. Seriously, I have no clue. I realize this as it has been this way my entire life. I suspect this is the way it is going to be for the rest of my life as well. Why would it be any different? I look back over the span of my existence and not once have I ever felt as if I knew, truly knew, what I was doing. Even as I write this I recognize that I have never felt comfortable with my written voice.

As a young person I spent most of my time asking questions about how and why. I have a vivid memory of asking my parents what was before God. I was always inquiring about things trying to understand the unknown, the unseen and the unattainable. To this end I feel not knowing encouraged the inquisitive nature I carry with me today. For this I am grateful for not knowing but willing to ask questions.

Somewhere along the way my curiosity was squelched by don’t ask don’t tell. Recognizing my sexuality very early on reflected negatively on my inquisitive self. I became more internally focused on keeping myself secret and hidden that I left one of the best assets of myself on the shelf in the closet hidden behind imposed fear.

The culture in which I grew up in pressured normalcy. This being the traditional boy who plays sports, likes cars, likes rock and roll….etc. So when a boy like me goes to play baseball and has no clue what the damn sport is about let alone wanting to be there, stands in the outfield praying the ball won’t come to me. That same boy, the one fearful of going to bat, simply for the fear of not wanting to let his team members down. I knew nothing about baseball and yet I am supposed to like it. And yet, I still have to play.

The same is true for basketball. Clueless. I just don’t know or care about it and have no idea what the rules are, how to play or what professional teams area. To this day I could not name several professional teams. And for not knowing this, deeper this boy goes down the rabbit hole of not knowing. The deeper one goes, the more one feels ashamed for not knowing.

And this pattern continues, sport after sport. I did have some success in gymnastics and the little bit of wrestling I did. But still, always in a place of trying to figure things out when it seemed as if the other guys on the team know exactly what they were doing. They had been doing it for some time or had been taught by their fathers what these things were. Trying to keep up because I enjoyed my friends and secretly swimming in a sea of not knowing.

It wasn’t until high school when I decided to follow my hearts desire to be in theatre. I did so as a whim. I remember walking down the staircase while the director and set designer where walking up and I spoke up and introduced myself telling them I was going to audition. They smirked simply because they had no clue as to who I was since I had never been in any other musical or was even in choir.

That said, I knew nothing of singing other than I liked it and that I wanted to act. So I auditioned. And to my surprise, I got in. I got in and I got a leading role. Oh shit!!! I know nothing. Here I am in a musical, don’t know how to sing, don’t really know anything about theatre or musicals and I now have to do this. What the hell am I going to do? And look at these cast members who know so much. I can’t even read music.

The best thing about this experience was that not knowing anything allowed for me to interact and learn how to sing. The people who surrounded me accepted me anyway. They surrounded me and supported me in doing what I had no idea how to do. Because of this, I fell in love with the life of being in the theatre. Because of this, my life changed.

And so I decided to take signing lessons and found out about a whole new world called opera. I wanted to do that too. I wanted to do whatever it took to allow the voice of my heart to be heard by the rest of the world. I was willing to place myself in a position of courageous vulnerability still not knowing anything about the things I was doing or wanted to do.

As I trained further and further I realized after every audition that I needed to learn how to dance as not being able to was keeping me from getting work in the professional realm. So continuing on the path, I find myself taking a dance class. Oddly enough, a modern dance class. What the hell is this? But the people are so beautiful and the bodies are amazing! I feel amazing in my body when I am moving like this. I know I don’t look it since I am starting at such a late age, but none-the-less, the class goes one way and I go the other. Once again, living in the land of not knowing but now not caring.

So my entire college experience was one of not knowing and playing catch up. Always playing catch up seems to be the story of my life. And yet, as I look back, this is what trained my eyes to see movement the way I do. This is what trained me to heal like I do. This is what has trained me to teach as I do. This is what trained me to make dances like I do. The constant state of not knowing has forced a reality on me that I could never have figured out in a state of knowing. EBAS was created out of an injury due to not knowing my body fully or how it truly functions.

So as I stand in front of my classroom in sea of bodies, I know what it is like to not know. As a matter of fact I stand in front of my students every day not knowing. But what this forces me to do is stand in front of them and to see them. To truly see their bodies and the potential that lies within. It forces me to listen to their voices and to help them figure out what it means to learn more about this thing they love. And because we all love it, we work diligently on trying to figure it out.

Yet, with all things that are magical, there is no real knowing it. I still do not know this thing called dance. There is so much I don’t know I am not sure I should be doing what I do. The one thing I am sure of is that I know I do good. I see it in the bodies in front of me and I see it in the physical transformations of my student’s body, mind and spirit. Of all the things I don’t know, the light in their eyes and hearts I do know. And for this, I am gladly going along the path of continual not knowing. Perhaps I will stumble on some kind of intelligence. Maybe not the academic intelligence forced on us by our culture and societal norms, but a body knowledge that is the knowledge of humanity. This is I know is right for me. This I know is right for my soul.

Thirty Day’s of Thoughts: Day One

Tags

bliss, chasing dreams, dogs, dreams, enchanted life, enchantment, faith, humanity, inspiration, realities, travel, Writing

My head rests on a mountain of pillows

My body flanked by silky fur breathing me to sleep

My dreams float in a sea of phantasmic imagery

My voice vacillates between English, French and Italian

I sleep in an ecstasy of unimaginable bliss

I wake to the weight of love laying across my chest

I cannot move for the ritual that must ensue

I am content as I transfer from one reality to the next

This is a cycle that keeps my heart full of bliss

This is a life careening on the edge of creative joy

This is a body secure in its own beauty

This is a soul at peace

I Finished Another One

Tags

change, courage, development, encouraging, faith, fear, gay, growth, hope, inspiration, love, Love Between Men, reading, spirit, Support, words that hurt, words that inspire, Writing, young relationships

I have just closed another book. Upon doing so, I have whispered into the air the words I have been whispering every time I have closed a book for the last 27 years. “I finished another one my dear, (……)”! I have uttered softly these words aloud or under my breath for some time now and have not shared this secret with more than a handful. The secret of the phrase, or the persons name in which I speak.

I have held both of them close for two reasons: 1. Because it has taken me this long to have faith in myself as an intellectual being and 2. Because the persons name was my very first love who, to this day, I am not sure is out. Out of the respect for him, I keep his name silent, but out of the need to share the triumph of courage, I share now.

Several things about this story are important. First off, words hold great weight. They can be used to inspire and educate, to uplift and encourage as well as to degrade and hurt. Even though many times people do not realize the words they speak cause severe damage, they do regardless if they are malicious or unaware. We should all be more mindful of our words and the ways in which we choose and use them.

Second, we must remember that there are so many things in our lives that we have believed to be true that were or are not and that we can over come. Society encourages individuals to believe things simply because one is different or unlike them. Regardless if there is even an ounce of truth to the assumption, because I am different, it must be true. Do not believe this. Listen to your heart to save the heart from ache.

So what does all of this have to do with closing a book and speaking those words? Well, for the past 27 years I have never believed or had the courage to believe that I could read or write well at all. I did not want to read or write out of the fear that someone would think I was stupid and uneducated. Feared being found out that who I was, was not in fact who I wanted to be.

That said, being gay and having your boyfriend tell you you were incapable of finishing a book or even a magazine for that matter even layers the whole issue. Yes, that is what he used to tell me all the time. So of course, when one is in high school, has a boyfriend in the same high school that no one knows anything about and that the fear of anyone finding out scares you, of course the reality of the situation can get a little skewed. Growing up in a world where who you were was a secret and the fear of anyone finding out keeps one from asking too many questions or sharing too many things one would like in situations that need comfort or understanding.

I began to believe this sentiment. I mean, he loved me right? We loved each other. He must be right? I mean what do I do? Not very good at school. Run in a completely different crowd. All the boxes of who I am externally do not match any sense of intelligence or writing ability. Right?

And so I have carried this for a very long time. It has weighed on me through college, my professional career as a dancer and choreographer, grad school and presently my academic life. Living in fear that one would be found out is not the kind of life one should carry around with them. It gets in the way of the good life and the life in which is actually the one you are supposed to be living.

So after all of these years, hundreds of books read, mountains of journals, papers, manuals and blogs; I realize perhaps all these years I have let someone hold me back from realizing all of who I could have been. I gave away my power to be loved. Love like that is not love. It is fear in the guise of love using words to hold close that which they do not understand. Words can trap a spirit from being what it is truly meant to be. So be careful with your words. They might scar someone deeply.

Now, however, I whisper those words and I smile. I giggle as I have come to realize the writer and intellect inside me. I use those words as inspiration. With every book I gain momentum. With every post I find more courage. Writing the EBAS manual was monumental and presently being in the throws of writing my book inspirational. Even if the only inspiration is for myself and the book never sells a copy, although I know it will because my friends love me, it will still be worth it.

And so as I sit here and close the pages of another book, I raise it to the sky and say, “I finished another one my dear, (…..)”!

Chasing Dreams: Day 6

Tags

Believing, chasing dreams, Conscious Living, courage, Courageous Vulnerability, Creative Flow, Creativity, dreams, faith, humility, passion, patience, round and round, Seeing, spirit, universal consciousness, universal heart, well being, Writing

Chasing ones dreams is a lot like a dog chasing its tail. We spend so much of our time exhausting ourselves as we move in circles forgetting that we are spiraling inward collapsing in on ourselves.

We then find ourselves completely spent because we have engaged so much of our time and energy going around and around facing our own ass while biting for something that is not actually obtainable. What are we doing trying to take a bite out of our own body or destroying our physical well being to satiate our larger than life ego?

It is ironic that we allow ourselves to get to a place that our ego drives the creative process rather than staying int the flow of creativity and letting our work make itself while we facilitate it’s progress in this particular plane of existence. When we become more important than the work, the work ceases to be important.

It is time for a returning to enchantment. We would be wise to revisit the contemplative space that allows for the creative energies of the universe to flourish and manifest. May we remember what it is like to share in the community of creativity while riding the sky of possibility. Could we dare to open our wings from our hearts so as to sift through the endless creative potential of the universe letting what will be choose us?

Thirty Days of Thoughts

Tags

Ballet, courage, courageous heart, Dance, Energy, faith, healing, hope, love, modern dance, science, sharing, space, spirituality, Technique, Writing, writing as a practice

So here it is, the 30th day of April, the day I embark on my challenge to write more and practice the art of sharing my thoughts through words. I normally share my perspective through abstract images created in a kinetic space by the carving of that space with the human body. Yes, I typically arrange bodies, time and ideas through the form of dance. I am a choreographer.

For some time now I have been feeling the need to share in a different medium yet have not had the courage enough to express my thoughts in a written format. I have, for the longest time, been afraid of writing due to my fear of not possessing the skills to do so eloquently or technically. Being this is the time for me to move within myself to find the courage to shift many of the things in my life, I have decided to challenge myself through sharing and transparency.

Life is a practice. My life in dance and healing has been a huge practice. Why is it that I should think I should be good at writing without the same intent and discipline? I should not. So, here it is, Thirty Days of Thoughts.

I welcome you to follow me through my challenge. I welcome your feedback. I welcome your energy. I welcome your support. I may not get it all “right”, but I promise myself to get it all done. Some thoughts may be short; some maybe long. The point is to practice and share in order to build confidence and momentum. Therefor, let the flow begin.

Answering a question

Tags

artist, choreographer, Creativity, Dance, Dream, dreams, following your bliss, hope, passion, w, Writing

I was asked this morning by a former student how my life was and if I was living the dream. I stopped for a moment and considered this question and responded that teaching at VCU was never the dream but it is my life. My life is the dream in all actuality. My entire existence is the dream that I believed it would be. I am, in fact, living the dream of my life.

This kind of question puts us in a place of having to justify or categorize our success. Asking it of others and feeling like we need to somehow justify this very moment always creates a conflict of our own spirit. I suggest we stop asking these kinds of questions and ask the simple question of “are you finding happiness?”. I suggest this because many of us are never where we hoped or desired. Many of us are in process. To judge another on a process or one that is not their own is to force someone to be someone they are not and limit their greatest potential.

I have found, not until recently, that I understand  my path has taken time and that there is much more unfolding needed to get me to where my full potential is. I am only just beginning in many ways because I have been letting go and unlearning so much of what has been extra baggage or weight on both my heart and my art. It is only now that I feel I am beginning my journey with a sense of freedom and humility that I have never had before. Releasing my heart into the action of the direction along with my body. There is true freedom and release here. For this I am grateful.

Now, for those of you VCU people reading this, I am where I need to be. I am happy where I am teaching and fulfilling much of what I have been put on this earth to be. I am a teacher among many other things and I am not ashamed of this. I am proud of it. Proud because I do good work and I share the love and passion of the art form in a way that is unique to me and adds to the overall educational process of the dancers. I work as a team member to participate with my colleagues embracing the multifaceted process that working as a team brings to the development of a holistic and amazing dancer.

What embracing this does mean is that it adds to my sense of being and my sense of being an incredible artist as well. Teaching does not diminish my existence as an artist. Being in the studio only enhances and deepens the process of growing as a choreographer. I am an excellent choreographer and on my own path of discovery and deepening of my own choreographic integrity. One does not need to be in a place, with a certain company or written about in certain publications to be good or to justify your ability. What makes you a choreographer is the action of making work. We must move in the direction of making work to claim who we are. So we make. I make and therefor I am. It is with time and discovery that I grow and I become.

This is the same with my writing. I am writing and therefore I am a writer. I may not be the best writer or a fully published writer, but I am writing. I am growing through my work and sharing through each word just as I place each image on the stage. We are who we are in the presence of our actions. Take action!

Having said all of this please know that in taking action you do not take for granted the need to do so with integrity, respect for the form or the deepening of your skills. We must always remember to remind ourselves to continue to reach for our best, to be our best and hold ourselves to the standards of growth and expansion. Doing this with integrity and diligent process is what makes us artists, choreographers, writers and whatever else our hearts dream of. This alone is living the dream. This is our dream.

Now for those of you who have everyday jobs and want to live more creative lives, this applies to you to. You are creative every day in every thing you do. Do not think that because you don’t work in the arts that there is no way you could ever be an artist. If art is in your heart, art is in you. Make! Make away! Find what your heart is drawn to and do. Find your heart begin to sing when you do what you love. Make art a part of your every day being and art will be your life. And when. Someone asks you what you are doing and if you are living the dream you say” why yes, I am! I am living my dream!”

Hello world!

Tags

A First, Courageous Vulnerability, Magic, New, Welcome, Why Not?, Wonder, Writing

Just like you said it would be, easy. I am sitting down to write my first of what hopefully will be many posts. As I have spent the last year and a half in contemplation over much shifting and changing, this is now the outcome of that process. And so it is, I am here to share and to stand in courageous vulnerability as I press the keys bringing word to page.

I have no direction at present but the direction that I face, moving through, moving forward, moving on. As my life is rather full of creative endeavors I will most likely be writing about many things from dance to healing as well as navigating the stars of my life. I am sure through the sifting through of space and time I will come to some kind of focus be there conclusion or not.

May the word bring you as much joy as it has been bringing to my life and may I honor the voice within in doing so.

Cheers to you and to the universe we live in as we all traverse this magical thing called space and time!