My thoughts are walking around something that I have shared before, courageous vulnerability. As I have moved through almost two thirds of this thirty days thirty thoughts process, I am realizing how much this very concept is crucial to the completion of my goal. I see how important it is to be able to be comfortable and confident in knowing your limitations, boundaries and capabilities at the present moment. So often, we place impossible expectations on ourselves, and others, thinking we are in a place far beyond the reality of now.
Being in academia for twelve years now I have come to realize how afraid I had been by always comparing myself to others while masking my fears with a strong and strict personality. I never set out to be in academia. Never for the life of me thought, I was smart enough to profess anything. The only thing that really mattered to me was simply to be able to dance and make dances living in a creative bliss.
Existing in an environment that made me very uncomfortable and folding underneath self esteem issues related to feeling academically inadequate, I sabotaged much of the possibility for success. I always wanted to be somewhere else rather than in the white towers and black robes of where I was. I was uncomfortable and awkward, suffocating and shrinking in a place where I was supposed to be happy. All of this conflict and it is a wonder I made dances at all.
Nonetheless, I stayed. Not only did I stay, but also I did pretty well. From the outside, it looked as if I was having much success, but on the inside, I walked hand and hand with fear as my feelings of doubt and inadequacy ruled my behavior and emotions. In many ways, my feelings of being held hostage were not situational or because of others, they were all because of me.
Just a few short years ago; I realized the need for some big shifts. I realized that if in fact I was going to find that place of creative bliss that I was going to have to be the one to climb the mountain. It was up to me to face the fear, find the voice and stand in courageous vulnerability and be whom I am.
Therefore, small step after small step; small shift after small shift, I began to melt. I became bit by bit more porous. I found myself becoming more comfortable where I had previously been very uncomfortable. I started accepting my abilities, both strengths and weakness, as what made me who I am. I began to take ownership of all that was me and stood naked in the face of fear.
As much that has transpired over the past few years, as many shifts that have taken place, I still feel as if I am just beginning this journey. Just as this little project to take on sharing my thoughts and ideas publicly through this forum and revealing my vulnerabilities while practicing my practicing skills, I am finding courage finally in letting others see me for all I am and not just the person I am projecting.
It is here, this place of courageous vulnerability that I hope to grow. It is here that I wish to make beautiful dances from, write about the thoughts of my work, and allow myself to become a better teacher of the thing I love so dearly, dance.